Chapter 32 #2
“Jax,” I say slowly, my voice trembling as dread wreaks havoc on my system.
I thought I wanted to know. I really did, but I don’t.
I don’t because there’s a reason he’s bringing it up now.
There’s a reason he wants me to ask, and suddenly, the room feels smaller, like it’s closing in on me, like at any moment, we’ll both disappear.
“What did you do to get me out of that cell?”
His shoulders fall, as if they’re simply too heavy to hold, and my entire body feels the same.
“I promised to wed Helena.”
My heart stops. It gets sucked into a gaping fucking hole that I will never be able to recover it from.
“Princess of—”
“Bragunda.” I finish for him because I know exactly who she is. I take a step back, and I see red.
“Still want me now?” It’s a taunt.
A fucking taunt, this gods-damned bastard, this fucking ass—
Wait.
This is exactly what he wants. He wants me mad. He wants me to hate him. He wants me not to want him.
Too fucking bad.
“Yes.” I raise a brow.
He wants me.
He wants this.
Us.
I know he does because not only can I feel it, but he just fucking said it. He said if we were to do this, then he would never not be mine.
And he meant it.
I know he did.
This insanely desirable man is also undeniably brilliant. Brilliant enough to already be plotting a way out of that stupid fucking promise.
He will not wed her.
Helena does not get to have him.
“Did you fucking hear me?” I say, stepping closer to him.
His hand flies to my throat, squeezing the smallest amount as his thumb glosses over my bottom lip. His nostrils flare, his eyes are almost completely black, his pupils dominating his irises, swallowing up that golden light. He looks primal. Feral.
And I fucking love it.
“I said—”
He crushes his lips to mine, and I am done, absolutely destroyed beyond measure.
He angles my head, deepening the kiss in a way that makes me feel him everywhere, branding him into every fiber of my being.
But then he stops.
His lips hover just above mine, his breath warm against my skin, and I ache to close the distance again, to take what I need, but he holds me firm, his hand still gripped around my throat.
“You will be my ruin, Nova, and I’ll gladly allow you to be.
” His fingers tighten just enough to make me swallow.
“But I need you to know I meant what I said. If we do this. If we really do this and you let me have you in the way I’ve been dreaming of having you, in the way that’s been tormenting my every waking moment for weeks now…
” His eyes drag down my body, slow and deliberate, as if he’s memorizing every inch of me.
My core tightens, longing for his fingers to trace the path his eyes follow, and my legs nearly give out beneath me.
“There will be no going back for me.” His voice is so raw and ravaged, pained in a way I can’t even begin to understand.
“So if you care about me like you say you do, if you want me the way that your body tells me you do, then I need you to back away, I need you to wait, because I am slowly losing the ability to resist you, and it will shatter me ten times over when you change your mind about this. About us. So please, Nova—” his voice breaks on the plea, “please tell me to stop.”
His lips find mine again. The kiss is all-consuming and desperate. A surrender of control like this is a battle he’s more than willing to lose.
My fingers twist in his hair, my body pressing flush against his, every part of me screaming for more.
But then—I freeze. He said when I change my mind. Not if.
The realization rattles through me like a raging storm, twisting my insides, blurring my vision.
What could possibly be so awful that I would ever not want this? Ever not want him?
I pull away.
It feels like ripping myself in half, like denying myself air, but maybe…maybe this is for the best. Maybe we need to put a hold on whatever this is, on whatever we are.
But not because of the reason he thinks.
I need to get my head straight before the trial. Because I don’t just want Ryjax now. I don’t just want him this one singular time.
I want him always.
I want to touch him, to feel him, every single day for the rest of my gods-damned life.
So I better make sure I live.
I lift my chin, locking my eyes with his. “If that’s what you want. But I need you to know that there is nothing you can say, nothing you can do to change my mind about you.” I feel it in my soul, so deep and inarguable it might as well be carved into my bones.
Ryjax is mine.
And I am his.
I will always be his.
“And after my trial, I’ll prove it to you. I am yours, Ryjax, and I will never not want you.” My nails dig into his shoulders, and his golden eyes darken, flaring with something fierce and barely restrained.
“Say that to me after you know everything, and I’ll never deny you a single fucking thing.
” He inhales through his nose. “But only if you answer one question for me now, Nova, and I need you to tell me the truth.” His voice is suddenly gentle, the atmosphere in the room completely changing, as if we weren’t just battling, as if we weren’t just fighting a war with our tongues.
“Anything,” I say, and I mean it. I will answer any question he throws at me. I will tell him whatever he wants to know.
“Why did you stop fighting?” He breathes into my hair.
I go still.
It’s that same tone again. The one I heard months ago. The one he used when he first asked me this question.
And I know exactly what he’s referring to.
When Norin and the others attacked me.
My throat tightens.
“Because I was weak. Because I was nothing. Because I didn’t deserve to be one of the few who get to live.”
His chest brushes against mine just before his palm grazes my cheek, urging me to look at him.
“And now?” His eyes fill with heat, with want, with need, and my pulse stutters.
“I am not weak. I am not nothing. And I will survive.”