24. Enslee
The weekend went by so quickly, but I’d never felt closer to either of these men.
While I’d naturally gotten to know Declan better over the course of the past week due to Brogan being out of town on business, that night after sex and Brogan’s nightmare, he and I shared a moment outside where he’d told me something he’d never even told Declan.
I didn't know why it made me feel warm inside to know that he trusted me.
I didn't even trust myself simply because I couldn't remember anything.
Brogan had trusted me to keep his secret from Declan, someone whom I knew he obviously loved.
When I’d first woken up without memories, I thought the two of them just shared me, but I quickly realized they actually shared each other with me, not just me with the other.
Knowing the three of us were in this together gave me a sense of belonging, and I suspected it was the first time I’d ever belonged somewhere in my life.
Despite my past being a black hole of nothingness, for some reason this felt different than anything I’d ever been through before.
Since we’d been together for a while, I must love these men, but I still couldn’t fully feel it.
What I did know was that they’d become so integral to my being right now and the things we did together… the things we shared.
Have I ever shared things individually with them?
I couldn't remember, and as the weekend went on, I couldn't help but feel bad for what Brogan had been put through.
I didn't know why I automatically knew it was conversion therapy. The funny thing about my memory loss was that random things would come back to me, but not anything I’d wanted to remember, things I needed to remember, or people I needed to remember.
I kept asking myself how I would have known that was gay conversion therapy.
And disgust would fill me every time I even thought about those three words.
How psychologically traumatizing that had to have been for him, especially because I knew most of it was administered via medication and torturous therapies.
Knowing it’d been inflicted upon him made me admire the man he’d become today.
That just proved the strength that he had.
I felt like I might’ve had my own trauma, but my mind also blocked it.
In doing so, I also blocked out the good times.
I guess it was a double-edged sword, with one side dull and one sharp.
But I still kept thinking about the conversion therapy and where I would’ve known about that.
Eventually, I could see myself talking to someone in a scary-looking place.
It was a kid, likely no older than sixteen, dressed in white and sitting at a table.
There’d been something about a gun and a shooting.
He focused on his sexual orientation, explaining how he'd been bullied.
I couldn't remember what crime was committed with the gun. I’d been taking notes on a notepad and trying to ask probing questions, but as quickly as the memory appeared, it started to fade.
As the kid got up, I tried to focus in on the letters on the back of his white jumpsuit as he walked away.
UDC, or the Utah Department of Corrections.
Was this when I’d gone to Utah with Declan and Brogan?
Who was this boy to me? Was it a friend, a relative?
As excited as I was to have another memory back, I hadn't wanted to share anything about it until I was sure what I was remembering. It could’ve been my own imagination, but it’d felt so real.
I’d been sitting there with so many tears in my eyes that the letters blurred as a curtain of moisture blinded me.
Again, I’d scribbled a few more things into a notebook, which was nothing more than I did now.
Jenni had recently provided me with a notebook earlier in the week, and I’d already started writing down anything I could remember about myself.
Maybe if I saw all the pieces scattered like a jigsaw puzzle, I could eventually put them back together because the truth was that I was still broken.
I didn't feel it in a crushing, destructive sort of way, but the pieces were still shattered, nonetheless.
I went back to my room quickly scribbling down Utah Department of Corrections, trying to describe the boy and the things that he’d told me.
I then set my notebook down and took a deep sigh.
It wasn’t much, but maybe enough to eventually build off the memory.
I returned to the living room and picked up my romance book, and it wasn't long before Declan and Jenni arrived home.
“Enslee,” she said, and as soon as she saw me, she came straight into the living room to give me a hug.
Jenni was the closest thing I had to a girlfriend, and it was something I suspected was probably true in the past too.
For whatever reason, I felt like a loner, which might’ve explained why I’d been so willing to enter into whatever this was that I had with Declan and Brogan.
They gave me a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose.
Jenni pulled away, but her smile was still bright.
“We really do need to do a girls’ trip one day.
We could hit the city and get our nails done, do a little shopping, and possibly catch a show on—”
“We’d actually prefer for her to recover her memories first so that she doesn’t get too overwhelmed out there,” Declan cut in.
“My invitation is always open, even after you recover your memories,” she assured me, and I smiled back at her.
“She’ll be better one day,” Declan said to the young girl.
I pursed my lips together, not liking the way that he said “better” as if there was something wrong with me.
I rolled my eyes, not sure why. It seemed to come so naturally to me in that moment.
I suspected it was also the first time he'd ever actually spoken to me like that too.
Well, he was really speaking to Jenni, but he was speaking about me as if I wasn't sitting in the same room.
I glared at him and realized it was the very first time he’d ever done that. Did he know I was holding something inside? Brogan had sworn me to secrecy, and I didn't want to break that trust. But it was almost as if Declan knew I was hiding something from him.
Or maybe not, because upon seeing how upset he’d made me, he came over and sat down beside me.
Jenni went into the kitchen and started looking through the refrigerator, presumably for something to eat, while Declan picked up my hand and brought it to his mouth.
He kissed the top of it, then held it between his chin and his hand.
“I'm sorry about what I’d just said. It came out wrong. We’re simply trying to look out for you. The last thing we want is for you to get scared out there. New York City is massive and is oftentimes overwhelming to those of us in it every day.”
“I’d be with Jenni.”
“I know, but we don't want to have to worry about you right now. If you’d really like to have some pampering done, we could arrange for someone to come here to do your nails. You could even rent some movies and have whatever food you want delivered.”
“No, that’s okay. It’s not what we were going to do at all. It was just the principle of actually being out and about. You and Brogan could take me out sometime. I’m sure the two of you would—”
“You know I’m an actor, so it’s too crazy out there. The paparazzi alone would freak you out, and Brogan works a lot since he’s the head of his company. For the time being, we just think it’s best that you stay here. Can you trust me on that?”
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but he seemed so sincere. I brushed the side of his face with my knuckles. “Yes, of course.”
When he leaned in, his breath tickled my lips. “You're such a good girl,” was all he said before his lips fully came down on mine.
I held onto him as he kissed me, and the world and everything else stopped in that moment. It was Declan. It was me. And it was perfect. Unfortunately, it didn’t last too long because the other woman came into the room.
“Hey, you two,” she said teasingly, and when Declan pulled away, he was smirking.
“Busted,” he remarked, then the amusement disappeared from his face, causing me to sit up straighter. “I have some news to share with you, Enslee.”
“You do?” I asked while arching a brow.
“I need to head out of town on a location shoot, so I’ll be gone for several days.”
“How many?” I asked, and while I tried to tamp down my irrational anger over his news, it was hard. Every time I thought I was making progress with one of them, they disappeared, causing me to feel like we’d have to start back over the next time we were all together.
“I'll be gone about three to five days. Don’t worry, though, because Brogan’s going to be home every night except for tonight.”
“Oh!”
With Declan away, maybe I could talk more to Brogan. His story had triggered a memory inside of me, and with his help, maybe I could unlock more of them. I just hated it’d be at Declan’s expense.
“What do you want to do tonight, Enslee?” he asked, and as I opened my mouth to respond, Jenni came over to us and beat me to it.
“Do you need anything else, Declan?” she asked him. “Or you, Enslee. I don’t mind picking whatever up and bringing it back.”
“No, go ahead and get back to the city before traffic becomes a nightmare. Get a good night’s rest because we need to leave early in the morning.”
“Will do, sir,” she said as she saluted him, causing me to laugh aloud. He picked up a pillow and swatted me with it, which made me laugh more. “You two have a fun night.”
And with that, she was gone. I was still giggling slightly until I stared up at the dark eyes looking down at me. There was something inside those blue orbs, but not what I usually noticed when gazing into them.
“I-Is something wrong?” I stammered in question.
“Something’s very right which is wrong,” he murmured softly before blinking away whatever had caused that look in his eye.
“What would you like to do tonight, Enslee?” As his stomach growled, he then added, “And more importantly, what do you want to eat?”
I remembered that Edna had made chicken and rice, but I wasn’t in the mood for that. I’d tried to take notes on what she was doing, but between the spices I couldn’t pronounce and the number of steps involved, I’d wished for something easier.
I was a simple girl. I had no idea what that meant, but I could hear myself telling someone that in the past, and more than once.
A simple, small-town girl on a mission to expose the truth.
What truth that was, I had no idea. Maybe Declan did, but until I knew what was a legitimate memory and what wasn’t, I didn’t want to bother either man with them.
“Could we maybe watch the second season of your show over some pizza? I think I like pepperoni and sausage.”
“One of the best things in all of New York is its pizza. Let me place an order, then I’ll get the show set up.”
“Okay,” I said, and just like that, any irritation I’d felt for this man disappeared.
After Declan called in the order, he headed to shower. By the time he was finished and queued the show, the pizza arrived. Minutes later, I had a slice on my plate, and he had two on his. I’d barely been able to finish my one, but he’d put away almost three as we watched the show.
We’d made it to the end of the fourth episode when I tried to stifle my yawn but was unsuccessful. Declan saw it and let the first one or two go, but by the time I yawned a third time, he turned off the television.
“You’re going to fade away on me, Enslee. Let’s get you to bed.”
Before I could protest, he rose to his feet and swept me up into his arms. The way these men carried me as if I was a featherweight still amazed me, but then just being this close to the very man I was just drooling over on the screen was amazing too. It was almost too surreal to be real.
Declan paused near the room I’d been mostly staying in, but I clung to him and shook my head when he went to bring me inside of it. “Why don’t you ever sleep with me alone?” I asked him, immediately hating the needy tone of my voice.
“I thought you might be more comfortable in here.”
I leaned in and pressed my mouth to his skin, kissing along his chin, jaw, and cheek. “I’ll be more comfortable wherever you are. I can’t and won’t lie about how great it is to be with both of you, but I don't need Brogan present to have sex with you, Declan.”
His expression turned guilty, and maybe it was because I’d mentioned the very thing I had noticed. Neither man ever made me feel undesirable until they were alone and acted like we were virtual strangers. It was as if they fed off each other.
Had it always been this way?
I doubted that because I was honestly hurt by it now, so I knew I would’ve been back then too.
Besides, I knew what it felt like to be fucked by each man when together, but never alone.
That contributed to this burning need to experience what it’d be like to be with them individually, especially since both men were very different from one another.
Brogan was far more raw and animalistic, while Declan was rough, yet gentle at the same time.
A complete contradiction that kept my head spinning.
“If you’re sure,” he said, and upon my nod, he continued down to the bedroom at the end of the hallway, then tossed me onto the bed.