30. Brogan
Iwatched Enslee head out of the driveway, even hitting the button to open the gate for her so she didn’t run through the damn thing in all of her haste.
This was the worst-case scenario, especially because I had no fucking idea what she would do now.
For a moment, I hadn't even wanted to tell her about the camera because when it all came down to it, I wouldn't release those videos to the world no matter what she decided to do. In the beginning, I thought I might, but as we’d gotten to know her, everything had changed.
Granted, it wasn't the real her, but maybe it was. Perhaps the person she projected to be on social media was exactly that: a projection. When not weighed down by the chains of the past and the burdens of the present, you could actually be free to dream about a future. I’d once thought maybe that could be my fate in life, but it just wasn't meant to be.
The walls were quickly closing in around me.
Everything was about to blow up in my face.
What would one more felony be? Kidnapping?
It wouldn’t even be the worst I'd been accused of doing if they somehow indicted me and convicted me for murder.
Abducting someone else and letting her go would be the least of my worries, but this was a crime that could directly impact Declan.
He had a future and a bright life ahead of him.
I couldn't let his hopes and dreams die because of me.
Life was a game that’d fucking played me. And death, I felt like I’d been dead since birth, so that didn’t matter, either. But Declan… He mattered to me, and more than my own life did. He didn’t have to go down for my crimes, or supposed ones.
Fuck, he was in Mexico trying to find Layla, and while that would help, he wouldn't fix the situation with Enslee.
There was the possibility that if he found Layla and produced her, Enslee might realize we weren't dangerous psychopaths.
At least not Declan. I gave zero fucks if she thought I was the same kind of psychopath my father often called me.
Maybe he was right, and I was one, but I didn't do anything to Layla. If I was going to go down for a crime, it needed to be one I’d actually committed.
I poured myself a drink, but I just stared at the alcohol in the glass.
I couldn't even bring myself to drink it. Instead, I picked up my cell phone and dialed the only person who could make anything better. If anybody on this earth could do it, it’d be him.
The line rang multiple times, and each ring felt so long. Finally, he picked up, and I heard his breathless voice, “Hey, baby. What's up?”
“Declan,” was all I got out before he spoke again.
“What’s going on, Brogan? You don’t sound like yourself right now. Did something happen?”
“Only the worst thing that could happen.”
“What is it? Is it your father again? The lawyers? The police?”
“No. They're all still there. It’s Enslee.”
His harsh breath escaped before his voice dropped. “Did she recover her memories?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I don't know how or when, but I came home, and she confronted me about it as she held me at gunpoint.”
“She did what?”
“She held me at gunpoint.”
“Are you okay? How the fuck did she get a weapon?”
“I don't know. I'm assuming she had it in her van. I mean, it's not like we really went through it that morning. We’d just grabbed some clothes and a few personal effects. I tried to calm her down, but she was furious. I mean, I guess she has every right. We did sort of kidnap her.”
“I know, but it wasn't our fucking intention.”
“I know that. If she’d never shown up at my office—”
“I know, Brogan.”
“And that’s not all.”
“What else?” I could already imagine him tensing his jaw.
“I told her about the videos as well.”
“What did she say?” he asked, sounding even more worried now.
“I think she's going to keep our secret, but I can't be sure. I feel like shit for ever having anything to blackmail her with. I'm terrified of this getting out to the public. Our relationship… and not because I don't love you or that I'm not proud to be with you, because I am. It’s just that everything has already gone to hell with this Layla situation. They’ll insist that I got rid of her to be with you. I had the means, the opportunity, but the one thing they’d been looking for was motive, and this would be it. And I'm afraid you’ll end up going down with me.”
“I've told you before that we're in this together. If you fall, I fall with you because no matter how many times we get pushed down, we’ll always rise.”
“I can't be so sure about that. Have you found Layla yet?”
He let out a loud sigh. “No, not yet. We've been talking to the locals. It's kind of surreal because they know me as my characters. I honestly think they're too busy trying to get my fucking autograph to help me. I'm not going to give up, but I think it’s best that I come home.”
“No, don't do that. I need you to stay in Mexico and find her.”
“I can't leave you to deal with everything on your own. I'm coming home.”
“No,” I said to him once more. “I don't want you here right now.”
“Brogan, don't do this. Don't push me away again. You always fucking do this when things get really bad. You can’t protect me by shutting down on me. Besides, it's not going to work this time. It's never worked before, and it's not going to now.”
“I'm not shutting down on you. I'm shutting down on myself.”
“Baby,” he said, and I exhaled sharply.
“I’m dealing just fine with everything on my own. I’d simply wanted you to be aware of what was going on. I'm also going back to the city so you can let Edna know there's no reason for her, Jenni, or anyone else to come down here until you get home.”
“I’ll do that, but Brogan…” When he paused, I swallowed hard.
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I'll talk to you later,” I said before I hung up.
It was one of the first times in a decade that I didn't tell him that I loved him back, and I didn't do it because it wasn't true.
I didn't even do it to hurt him. I did it because the truth was, I didn't deserve anyone's love, especially not his.
My father thought I was just a deranged psychopath, and maybe I was.
Maybe I'd just been denying my own inner self for so long.
It would be a good reason why I didn't recognize myself when I stared at my own reflection in the mirror.
Deciding to get the hell away from here, I poured the drink down the sink and washed out the glass, then picked back up my briefcase and left.
I probably should’ve stayed just in case Enslee came back, but I knew she wasn't coming back.
She'd gotten away. I'd honestly be surprised if she wasn't already at the damn police station filing a report.
I headed back toward the city, where my thoughts were consumed with Declan, Layla, and everything else going on. I also couldn't stop thinking about Enslee and the pain on her face. I hadn't been lying when I said that I’d grown to care about her.
I’d never felt like there was a missing piece in my life, but the addition of her to mine and Declan’s brought a brightness to a world the two of us knew could be extremely dark.
It was like a light bulb had been turned on in the room, and now it had gone out.
It had been broken beyond repair, and I doubted it would ever be turned back on again.
I considered reaching out to her in a few days, but what good would it really do?
She hated us, and rightfully so, but no one could hate me more than I already hated myself.
It’d been a lifelong loathing. As a boy, I'd hated myself for not being the kind of son that could make my father proud, or the kind of son that would make my mother want to stay, or the type of friend Declan deserved, and later never becoming the man he deserved still.
I wasn't even the CEO generations after generations of Sinclair men deserved, as my father pointed out at every opportunity. I was a fucking monster worthy of nothing good in this world. It’d explain why I kept losing everything.
Long ago, I’d stopped believing therapy or medication could help.
When everything inside of me was meant to stay broken, it didn’t make a difference whether I was or not.
My head was a cesspool of dark emotions and suicidal ideation as I headed north.
The blinding lights of oncoming cars blended into one another, as did the vehicles passing me in the far left lane of the interstate.
I couldn’t focus on anything other than the raging thoughts in my head and the music screaming from my speakers.
Popular Monster could’ve been my theme song. As it were, the lyrics seemed to describe my mindset and life perfectly. Only, I wasn’t terrified with every fucking day I got closer to the grave. I almost welcomed it… looked forward to it… craved it…
I hadn't even realized I made it back to my penthouse until I found myself in my dedicated parking space. I stayed in the car for god knows how long. It was maybe a half hour to an hour spent just sitting there. Eventually, the cold from outdoors seeped in and I went inside.
Once in my penthouse, I changed out of my suit and put on a pair of sweatpants before starting the fireplace to remove the chill, but it was bone deep. Not even the warmth emanating from the hearth could help.
My phone was steadily ringing, mostly all calls from Declan, but I ignored him as I sat there despondent.
I was unsure of what to do or where to go from here, but I kept seeing his face, and also Enslee’s.
I saw the three of us lying together on the couch as we’d laughed and talked about everything, while also talking about nothing at all.
And how we’d watched television, swam in the pool, ate together, but mostly the three of us just existing together.
For a fleeting moment, it’d actually felt like a life I was living.
I wasn’t trying to run from the past, or trying to control and manipulate my future.
I’d been living in the moment, simply existing as someone other than the damaged and broken man I was.
Now, even that life was over. It was becoming so hard.
Declan kept wanting me to run toward the light, toward our future as if there was a finish line.
If so, it wasn't for the continuation of our life. It was for the end of mine.
The longer I sat there, the more I knew what I needed to do in order to protect those I loved, which included Enslee.
It took me losing her to realize how integral she’d also become to my life, and in such a short amount of time.
In her eyes, I’d once hung the moon and the stars, but I’d only sent them crashing forever down.
Once I was gone, I didn’t believe she would turn Declan in to the authorities.
The one she’d been running from that day had been me.
The one who’d decided to kidnap her had also been me.
The one who’d decided to blackmail her had been me.
And the one to completely break her had been no one else but me.