39. Declan
Her words caused me to freeze. “You went to see Brogan?”
A guilty expression crossed her face, and fuck, I hadn’t meant for her to feel bad about it. I just… I didn’t know what I wanted to hear or even know.
“Yes. I needed to see him. I didn’t know if they’d even let me, or if he’d even sit down to talk to me.”
“And he did?”
“Yes, and I’m sorry that he refuses to see you,” she said to me.
I still remember trying to go the day he’d arrived at Rikers, even though Jenni, Paige, and Cindy had all advised against it. Brogan truly hated me, and it hurt so fucking much.
“If you give him time, I’m sure he’ll come around,” she offered up and I shrugged. “Surely, he’ll understand that you thought you were doing the right thing by him.”
“No. Brogan will never see that. Once he gets something in his mind, it's very hard to change it.”
“Hard, yes, but impossible—”
“What I did to him was unforgivable, and if I’m the cause of any conviction, I don’t know what I’ll do.
” The earlier despair was returning, and I hated this helpless feeling.
Brogan and I had our share of fights over the years, even before we were together romantically.
We'd been friends as boys, as teenagers, and as men.
The one constant was that he'd always been steadfast in his beliefs, determined to a fault, and he’d held grudges.
“He never forgives, and he certainly never forgets.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said as she moved closer.
The last thing I deserved was her sympathy, pity, or whatever the fuck this was, but I wrapped my arms around her back when she wrapped hers around me.
“All I’d wanted to do was help him, so I thought by giving Layla the money she needed that she’d break up with him and that would be that.
If she’d left, he and I could truly be happy once more without her shadow hovering over everything we said and did. ”
“I’m sure he’ll see that in time,” she murmured against my chest.
“And I needed Layla to be the one to break things off so his bastard of a father would fuck off. Brogan had only agreed to something with Layla because he thought he might lose his birthright, and it wasn’t just the money or power.
He truly wanted to revolutionize the pharmaceutical business and make his ancestors proud.
If she broke things off, his father couldn’t punish him over it.
Brogan would keep his title. His legacy meant everything to him. ”
“Not everything,” she said to me as she raised her head to look at me. “He loved you, and before and after my memories, I had seen that.”
“Only, I’d betrayed him. And it wasn’t the first time, either.”
“W-what do you mean?” she asked as she moved away from me this time.
“Brogan’s always known that he could never come out with me, so I’d let him believe all this time that it’d been equal-sided.
He’d always believed I couldn’t risk my reputation.
The truth is that I just didn’t want him to feel guilty about being the one keeping us in the closet.
Again, our relationship is built on lies that’d always come from me. ”
“None of this is insurmountable.”
“I don't really know anything anymore. If I had, I never would’ve done what I did. If she’d broken up with him and his father was forced to accept things, it’d allow us time to be happy again, because in the beginning, we’d been so happy.”
“What happened and when?” she asked me.
“Once his father decided to retire, Stanley Sinclair wanted grandchildren. He wanted male heirs to pass the company down to. It’s when everything changed.
He began to ride Brogan more. He was always in his face and did everything he could to make our lives together miserable.
It was only when Brogan agreed to the fake relationship with Layla that he’d backed off.
I suspected he thought Brogan would fall in love with her, while he’d just planned to give her a child but remain with me. ”
“How would that have happened? Would Brogan have slept with her like he had with you and me?”
I shook my head. “It would’ve been done via fertility treatments. In vitro, I believe. Brogan hated Layla, and I knew he wouldn’t touch her with a ten-foot pole. He also wouldn’t have fucked someone else when with me.”
“But he did. You both did. I mean, I’m standing right here.”
I let out a sigh. “It was different with you.”
“Ahh yes, it was blackmail,” she spat out bitterly.
“In the beginning maybe, but that changed.”
“Why, Declan? What changed?”
“We both began to care about you a lot. We were attracted to you, and it wasn’t one he’d ever had for Layla.”
She didn’t look all too convinced, but she shifted questioning. “But in public, he—”
“It was all a sham. I knew how much Brogan hated being paraded around with her, which had been one of the reasons I’d done it.”
“One of?”
“Every day he was with that blood-sucking leech, he lost a bit of his soul. I never imagined she’d just disappear, but since they’ve found a knife, maybe she didn't leave willingly. Maybe whatever she needed that money for… Whoever it was might’ve taken it, then disposed of her.
Oh God, and I basically led them right to Brogan.
I gave them a suspect. He would’ve never given her that sum of money all at once.
I’m such a fucking idiot. No wonder he hates me. Hell, I fucking hate me.”
“They still have to prove an actual murder took place… to build a story. I mean, if he had an agreement with her, it could explain everything. Wouldn’t…” she paused, and I saw the same recognition dawn in her eyes that I’d had before. “Ahh, would probably have made things worse, huh?”
“Just another motive. Not only did he want to be with his gay lover, but he didn't want to have to keep paying her or follow through with the financial terms to keep that secret.”
“Damn,” she said. “I need to get all the facts on this case. I have someone who might be able—”
“The facts are that I’m the one who’d set this in motion. Brogan’s innocent, but after my stunt, he might never see daylight again.”
“You had good intentions, though.”
“The best laid plans often go awry. He's never going to forgive me because I’ve given the prosecution all they need to convict him.”
Enslee came closer and wrapped her arms back around me. The soothing way she ran her hand up and down my back only made me feel worse because the one who needed the comfort right now was locked away in a fucking cage.
“Did he mention me?” I finally asked her as I pulled away, but she shook her head.
“Well, I mean, he did ask if you’d sent me, but that was it.”
“What did you tell him?”
“The truth. You didn’t know I was there.”
“Did he say anything else?”
As his final words about never wanting to see me again came rushing back, the knife in my chest just kept twisting brutally… unforgivingly… deservedly…
“I'm sure if we put our heads together, we can come up with something,” she said to me.
“You’re actually willing to help me? Help him… help us?”
“Yes, because in the time that I’d been here, I genuinely developed feelings for you both.
They were created from lies, but the emotions themselves had been real.
And being honest, it might’ve been the most real thing I’ve ever had in my life.
Regardless, I care about you and him, so if there's anything I can do, I want to do it.”
“We don't deserve you, or at least I don’t. Nonetheless, I’m thankful for you.”
“You’re welcome,” she murmured softly.
“And Brogan and I… we never would’ve followed through with blackmailing you. Those videos were made at the time because we thought we needed to have something, but once we got to know you, it wasn't even a consideration anymore.”
“I know,” she said before flashing a weary smile. “Brogan told me the same thing earlier. I forgave him, and I forgive you just as I know he’ll forgive you too.”
“No, he won’t. Forgiveness is not in his vocabulary. I’d betrayed him, and that's irreversible. I might’ve essentially taken away his freedom over selfish jealousy.”
“You can’t already admit defeat before the battle has officially started,” she pointed out. “Let me get with my contact and see what I can find out about his case. Hopefully, I can get back to you tomorrow or the next day.”
“Okay,” I said to her, and when she made it to the door, I had to know. “Enslee…”
“Yes,” she said as she turned back toward me.
“H-how is he doing? Like in jail and all?”
Sympathy flashed across her features before she hung her head wearily. “He’s surviving.”
“Fuck, that’s not reassuring,” I muttered.
“After what happened in his past, I’m sure you can see how—”
“What are you talking about happened in his past?” When she just nervously bit her lip, I raised my voice. “Enslee!”
“Did he never tell you about any of it?”
“No, since I have no idea what ‘it’ is. What did he tell you?”
“Fuck, he’d sworn me to secrecy, but I never believed that you didn’t know. Considering what he’s facing right now, I doubt he’d expect me to be bound to that promise.”
“You’re scaring me,” I said to her, and when tears filled her eyes, I cursed. “Fuck! Just spit it out already.”
“What do you remember about the time his father had caught the two of you fooling around together?”
“Only that Stanley Sinclair kicked me out of his house and ranted to my father about me being some sort of sexual deviant trying to corrupt his son. He’d warned my father to keep me away from his golden boy or else face the consequences.”
“That’s terrible. Instead of being understanding, he…” she paused, then shook her head. “I really dislike the man.”
“That makes two of us. What about that time, though?”
“Do you remember why he’d left town?”
“Yeah. His father dragged him off to a pharmaceutical thing.”
“No, he didn't.”
“He didn’t?”
What had Brogan told her that he’d never told me?
“He took him to Europe, but it wasn’t for business.” She was now trembling, so I knew whatever she was about to tell me was bad.
“What did he do to Brogan?”
“He’d brought him to a facility and had him locked up in a cell, then tortured him.”
“Tortured him?” I asked, not giving a damn that my voice had fully raised.
“He made him undergo an extreme form of conversion therapy.”
“W-what did they do to him?”
“They’d tied him up, then beat and tortured him to get the gay out of him.”
“For fuck’s sake, that’s not how you do that?
” I scrubbed my hands down my face as I remembered how laid-back and carefree he’d been before that trip, and how he’d returned distant and angry.
“I had no idea. It explains why he was a shell of himself afterward. We’d fallen out when he’d returned.
Brogan made it seem as if fooling around with me had been an experiment he no longer wanted to partake in.
When he and I grew distant, I’d assumed that being around me was awkward.
Our friendship almost died until we’d ended up together in college and everything changed. I guess it wasn’t a long-term thing.”
“The treatments didn't work, Declan. His father kept trying, though.”
“What exactly did they do to him?” I didn't want to know, but I needed to know. This might somehow be the missing key to everything over the years. It was likely the one piece of the puzzle that’d always been just out of reach. “What did he do to him?” I asked again.
She swallowed hard before elaborating more. “They’d tied him to beds, chairs, or from the ceiling and had beaten, electrocuted, waterboard—”
“Noooo,” I said as my eyes welled up with tears.
“He said they’d do those things while forcing him to watch images of gay men. You see, in GCT, they believe they can torment the subject until they’re no longer stimulated by anything gay.”
“The dissociation. It makes so much sense now.”
“The what?” she asked.
“Since he’d returned from that place, there’d been periods of time where he’d dissociate from himself.
It's like he's there, but he's not there. Normally, it's brought on by stress, but it’s usually caused by PTSD, and I’d always wondered when and where he’d experienced that, but now I know.” When I saw her wipe at her own eyes, I sighed.
“And since you’ve shared something with me, I'll share something with you.”
“What is it?”
“The night you’d recovered your memory, I came back to the States and found him at his place, where he was in an almost catatonic state. He’d dissociated, then tried to blow his fucking head off.”
“Oh my god,” she managed to get out before slapping her hand over her mouth.
“I’d tried everything to bring him back to the present, but it didn’t work.
He was too far inside his mind. He’d actually pulled the trigger, but thankfully the only bullet in the gun wasn’t on that round.
I've always wondered what caused the PTSD because I’d never been aware of any trauma in his life.
Fuck, I hate his goddamn father. If anybody deserved to be knifed or to take a bullet to their fucking head, it's that man. He's a monster.”
“I'm sorry, especially if I contributed to him doing that.”
“It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. You’d only crossed paths with us because you thought you had scored an interview with him. Everything that happened after that had been our fault. We're the ones who scared and chased you, causing you to fall. Instead of getting you medical care at the hospital, we’d then brought you here to threaten you. Once you came to without any memories, we’d come up with the diabolic plan and had been the ones to put it into motion.
We’re both guilty of that, but not anything regarding Layla. ”
“When I’d left, I’d been so angry about everything, but as time passed, I’d realized that while everything had been a lie, I wouldn't have traded that time with you both at all. I’d grown to care about you two very much.
Upon recovering my memories, it’d made me realize how empty my life had been before.
Work’s always been my life. I thought I’d been happy, but it was all a mirage…
a lie… The only truth was that I’d never felt with anyone what I’d felt with you and Brogan.
You two made me feel alive, even if it’d started as a lie.
Looking back now, all of us had lied to each other.
Those mistruths were what we clung to because the lies were what bound us. ”