47. Declan
After we’d finished off the pozoles, elotes, and chiles rellenos that I’d ordered in for us from room service, we both sat out on the balcony.
I’d kicked my feet up onto the small table in front of me while Enslee was content in the chair across from me with her legs tucked underneath her.
We both had our agua frescas, which contained watermelon, lemon, and basil.
It was mid-afternoon on what I assumed would be yet another day wasted.
Where in the hell was Layla? Or whoever this blonde was?
I let out a sigh, then felt Enslee’s eyes on me well before I looked up to find that assumption to be true.
I knew she wanted to ask me something, but every time she opened her mouth, she’d quickly close it, especially when my eyes would meet hers.
I smirked once or twice, and her face turned beet red, then she’d look away and busy herself with her laptop.
After several minutes of this, I finally cleared my throat.
“Do you have something to ask?”
“Umm… I was basically thinking about Brogan and his relationship with his father. I also remember you telling me how he felt about you, and it has me wondering about your own family. You’ve told me before that you had no siblings, but what about your parents?
How do they feel about everything? Do you get along well with them? ”
I grinned before responding. “I love my mom and dad. They’re the most supportive and understanding parents one could ever hope for. They’re a stark difference to Stanley Sinclair.”
“Tell me about them,” she urged, and I immediately started to relax.
“I remember the night Stanley Sinclair caught Brogan and me kissing. While he’d suspected it’d been the first time we’d fooled around, it hadn’t been.
As he’d gone on about me being some sick, sexual deviant, my father had the phone on mute as he’d multitasked.
I sat there stone-faced, wondering when my father would start in on me too.
On occasion, my father would unmute the phone to say a word or two, but mainly just verbal confirmations.
After he’d gotten off the phone with him, I readied myself for a lecture. ”
“Were you scared?” she asked me, and I nodded my head.
“I was so nervous when he’d asked me to close the door and take a seat. We’d been in his study, and I knew he was about to yell and didn’t want Mom to hear what he’d wanted to say. I’d taken a deep breath, closed the door, then I turned around and sat back down.”
“What did he say to you?”
“The first thing he asked was if this had been a new development because he knew Brogan and I had been friends since we were little kids. I told him that kissing Brogan was still fairly new, but that night hadn’t been our first time doing so.
He was pensive until he asked if I loved Brogan.
Even before any of the kissing, I’d always loved him, so of course I told him that I did. ”
“And?”
“He asked me when I’d known it, so I’d told him I'd always loved Brogan. While platonic, it’d still been love.
After all, Brogan was my best friend. My father understood it all, and we’d ended up talking for over an hour.
He’d asked me all the natural questions, such as how and when it’d first happened.
The more I’d talked to him, the lighter I’d felt.
I’d been relieved because the two of us had been sneaking around for so long that it was hard to keep up the charade around others.
For the first time, I’d now felt as if I didn't have to hide who I was. It was freeing and also scary because I was confused as well. I’d never been attracted to a man, but there was something about Brogan.
Even now, I can honestly say I'm not attracted to another man, only him.”
“You still like women too?” she said more in question than simply observation.
I glanced over at her and smirked. “The way I’ve pounded your pussy should confirm that.” She blushed, and her face turned an even brighter shade of red. “I’m bisexual.”
“So, your father was understanding about everything?”
“He was, and my mother too. They offered to take me to talk to someone in case I was still confused or just needed an ear to listen to. I didn't want to do all of that. All I’d wanted to do that night was call Brogan to make sure he was alright, but my father convinced me to give him and his father some time to come to terms with things. Sure that he was right about Stanley, I’d let my guard down, then Brogan left town with his father.
And until you’d told me where he’d actually gone, I'd always believed it’d been on some pharmaceutical trip. ”
I hated the way the last two words stuck in my throat before I’d spit them out with all the bitterness I tasted.
I knew why, and I could sense anger rising inside me.
“If I'm being honest, it actually hurts me to know that he never told me because we'd been together for a decade. He’d never mentioned anything about the conversion therapy.”
“It was a painful time in his life, and he's still haunted by the nightmares of what they did to him. I don’t proclaim to know everything, but I know he'd had nightmares twice that he later talked to me about.
While he didn't give me a lot of specifics, some of it was more me guessing and him confirming or denying. Regardless, it was traumatic, which might explain why he freaks out. You did say that he dissociates, right?”
“Yeah, and I'd always wondered what had caused that. Now that I know, it's a knife to my chest because maybe there’d been something I could’ve done to help him… something more that could’ve shown him how much I love—”
“He knows you love him,” she interrupted.
“Yeah, and now the only problem is that he no longer cares about that. As I said, he'll never forgive me.”
“You were only doing what you thought was right.”
“I know, but there’s more about me that you don’t know.”
“Such as?”
“The reason my father’s in a wheelchair is also because of me. Again, he thought he was doing what was right, but look at what happened to him.”
“W-what happened to him?” she stammered.
“After Brogan and I had been together a few years and my acting career had really taken off, I started getting booked for multiple blockbuster films in a row. One of them was in Los Angeles, and I remember wanting to be there to participate in an LGBTQ+ parade. I’d wanted to march in support of the community, especially since it’d been one that had embraced me, or at least I suspected they would if I'd ever been able to publicly come out. I’d mentioned the desire to march to my publicity team, but they told me I needed to focus on the new role instead.
I’d not pushed back, but I’d complained to my parents about it, and they’d decided to march in my place. ”
“Did his injury happen at the parade?”
“Yes and no.” At her confused look, I took a deep breath and continued.
“He’d been headed back to his car with Mom, and they’d no sooner stepped away from the paradegoers when a bigoted asshole drove onto the sidewalk to mow down the ones who’d been marching because he didn’t like what everyone was celebrating. ”
“My god, that's terrible. I think I remember seeing something about that around the time it’d happened.”
“Anyway, my father pushed my mother out of the way, but he hadn’t been able to avoid the collision himself.
Between the force and location of his fall, he severed several bones in his spine.
We honestly thought we might lose him, but he survived, though not before paying the price.
Brogan was once tortured, and later my father was paralyzed all because of me.
My mother had lost a part of my father, and Brogan had lost parts of his soul.
Meanwhile I’ve gone on completely unaffected. ”
“You’re not unaffected, especially to be this ridden with guilt.”
“My father endured several brutal surgeries as the doctors tried their best to help him, but he’s never been able to walk since because of someone else’s hate at an event meant to spread love.”
“I’m sorry, Declan. I truly am. I don't know why people won't allow others to live their lives and be happy. What you choose to do to find your own happiness shouldn't matter to me and vice versa. Love is love, whether it's between two women, two men—”
“Two men and a woman,” I said to her, and she looked over at me and smiled.
“I'd once thought I had that,” was all she said. Again, I was reminded that all I did was hurt others.
“We really do care about you, so in a way you still have that, Enslee.”
“I care about both of you as well, which I know sounds crazy. It started off as a game because everything I thought I was trying to get back had been lies, but that was the past. It didn't account for the present. I didn't know what people had said or did prior to that, but I know now.”
“We really wanted to make this up to you, and one of these days we will make amends for what we did to you.”
“I don't need anything from you both, at least not where I am concerned. I do need something, though.”
“And that is?”
“Promise me that you’ll never give up on Brogan. If he were here, I’d tell him that I needed him to forgive you.”
“Well, there’s zero chance of that happening. Like I’ve previously said, Brogan—”
“Yeah, I know. You said he'll never forgive you, but you'll never know unless you try.”
“So much has happened,” I replied sullenly.
“Yes, but—”
“He’s in jail, caged like an animal as a criminal, when he did nothing wrong. As he lies in that cell each night and day, he’ll remember who put him there. It was me.”
“We both know he didn’t kill anyone,” she said to me.
“I know because the night she’d disappeared, he’d been with me. He hadn’t murdered her, or spent hours cleaning up her condo, erasing any traces of blood.”
“And the fact that there was no evidence of a cleanup or signs of a struggle or crime.”
“It doesn’t matter because had I not been the one to give her that money, she wouldn't have been able to make a clean break. I still remember the call from Brogan after he’d had dinner with her that night.
He'd been so happy that she’d agreed to let him out of their agreement.
He’d been on cloud nine, which made me believe I’d done the right thing after all. ”
“What happened the rest of the night?”
“We’d slammed back a few shots, had sex, and I remember lying there beside him as I looked out the windows at the city lights.
Normally, I’d see a few here and there, but it was awash with them that night.
It was how it should’ve always been for us.
The next morning, he’d been so happy that I hadn’t wanted to ruin it by telling him what I’d done. ”
“So, you just stayed quiet?”
“Yeah. By the time she was actually reported as missing, I’d become wracked with guilt.
I knew he hadn't done it, but I didn't know who did because she couldn't have gotten away on her own. I became more focused on trying to help him find her. I knew he had his own team of investigators, but I’d wanted to find her, and thought I had when my men thought she might be in Cancun. I should’ve known his investigators would be able to uncover what I’d done, but I was still too much of a coward to confess.
In fact, it became easier to stay quiet the more time passed.
Now, I might’ve done irreparable harm to his life. ”
I stood up and started to pace. I thought for a moment that she’d get up with me, but she stayed put. The silence stretched between us until finally she spoke once more. “Would you have come clean if given the chance to go back and do so?”
I turned toward her. “That’s impossible, and I don’t like to live in the past. The truth is that I hadn’t told him about my part in it because things were going great for us until she’d been reported missing by her father.
Even then, I didn’t come clean with him because I’d never imagined they’d find any evidence of a crime.
He’d literally found out about my involvement minutes before he lost his freedom for what could be the rest of his life. ”
“I saw his demeanor that first night in his office, but how did he react when she’d been reported missing?” Enslee asked me.
“Outside of a few periods of dissociation, he’d been otherwise normal.
A few times he’d become nervous and appear a bit shaken up, but that was usually after a visit from his father or lawyer.
Brogan had convinced himself that she was doing this for attention, and even possibly cash, until he’d found out from his own investigation team that she’d been given a large sum of money before her disappearance.
I’d wanted to confess everything to him right then and there. ”
“Why didn't you?”
“By the time she’d gone missing, the walls had started closing in around us. I thought I could still shield him from the truth. Lesson learned. He’s in prison while I’m roaming free, but the guilt imprisons me more than bars ever could.”
With that, I resumed my pacing, feeling the heat from her gaze as it followed me. I scrubbed my hands down my face, then turned my attention to the view outside.