52. Enslee #2
Brogan wasn’t a monster, though. He deserved a break after these last few months.
And it didn’t even include the conversion therapy he’d been subjected to that still stayed present in his nightmares.
His relationship with Declan was strained, to put it mildly.
And there was still a lot to process about Layla.
I’d known he’d faked a relationship with her, and while it was over, the reason why he had still remained.
If he keeps bottling it up, he’s going to burst from the pressure.
I’d once reached that point. And I ended up setting my whole entire world ablaze.
“So, you really did end up working on my case,” he mused as he broke up the silence, not answering my question.
“I told you I would. Do you remember the day at the prison when I’d visited you?”
“Briefly,” he replied. “Actually, that’s a lie, and I’d promised myself that I’d quit using them on you. Truthfully speaking, you were the most welcome sight in that entire cesspool. On the other hand, I hated seeing you there as well.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn't want you to see me, and not just in prison, but me.”
“I've always seen you, Brogan.” Although I didn't elaborate, I think he knew what I meant. I moved closer to him while keeping some distance between us. “You know I see things in you that you think are hidden. I just want to let you know they’re not. We're a lot alike… you and I.”
“How so?”
I moved a bit closer and pressed my palms to his chest. I let them linger for a few seconds before moving them up and slowly wrapping them around the back of his head.
“We both try to protect others at the cost of our own sanity. You've kept your darkest moments to yourself, just as I have.”
“What dark moments are you referring to about yourself?”
I flashed a watery smile at him. “This isn't about me. It’s about you. Despite everything that’s happened between us, I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. I'm also sorry I’d ever barged into your life that night, making it worse.”
“You didn't barge into my life. Although I couldn't see it at the time, you doing so is the best thing to have happened to me in a long time.”
“Even though I was irritatingly persistent?” I teased but quickly sobered. “Let’s be honest, though. You and I both know the best thing that’d ever happened to you was Declan.” He growled at the mention of the other man’s name, then he removed my hands from his neck.
“There’s no more Declan and me.”
I let out a small huff. “You can deny it… He can deny it, but the truth is that you two need each other. Surely with everything in the open now, you can move past this.”
“What do you mean about everything being out in the open?”
It dawned on me that Declan hadn’t known his deepest and darkest secret. Trying to backtrack, I quickly responded. “I just meant now that he knows why you…” I quickly clamped my big mouth shut.
“What does he know, Enslee?” His voice rose multiple octaves when he said my name.
I’d never had a poker face, and I couldn’t have stopped the guilt rising in me from spreading across my face had I tried.
His eyes narrowed, and I knew he knew. “Please tell me that you never told him about my nightmares, and more importantly, what caused them.”
I bit my bottom lip because Declan’s words about Brogan never forgiving nor forgetting entered my mind, so I finally allowed the tears to start to fall. “It just slipped out. I promise I didn't intend to—”
“Goddamit,” he cursed before he walked over to the fireplace mantle.
With a fell swoop of his hand, he knocked everything off it and I winced.
Glass shattered, but I ignored it as I needed to make Brogan understand.
Each time I opened my mouth, however, nothing came out.
I’d known about Declan’s betrayal, then followed suit and did the same damn thing.
It didn’t matter that mine had been unintentional.
“How could you do this to me?”
“How could you do that to him?” I asked in return, throwing his question back at him.
“It wasn’t something he ever needed to know. Why weigh him down with something he couldn’t fix, control, or erase?”
“When you love somebody, you love all parts of them. That includes not only the good, but the bad… the beautiful and the ugly.”
“And what about your past, Enslee? Investigators have looked into you as well…” I felt my face pale at that. Before I could ask what they had found, he continued, “What have you covered up in your past? And why are you so determined to run from it?”
“There’s nothing to fix in my past. Everyone and everything is gone. Stop deflecting because this isn’t about me. It's never been about me. It’s always been about you.”
“That was my secret. It was my choice to tell him or not to tell him.” He raked a hand through his hair, and I saw the anger leave his eyes as his earlier pain filled those dark orbs once more.
“I want to be mad at you, but I can't. Declan’s betrayal hurts more because of our feelings for one another. You’ve never confessed to loving me.
You might have loved Declan, but you’d never confessed it to me. ”
“Did I need to?”
“No, and unlike Declan, you never made promises to me, so I can't hold you to them.”
“You made promises to Declan too.”
“I never broke a goddamn promise I’d ever made to him.”
“You're wrong about that, and you're also wrong about something else too, Brogan.”
“What else am I wrong about now?”
“You’re wrong about my feelings for you. I do love you, and I thought you’d known it the night I kneeled before you in the shower. I thought you knew it the nights I’d held you after your nightmares. And more importantly, I thought you knew it when I did what I had to do to get you out of prison.”
“You love me?” he questioned.
“I do,” I confessed.
“Then you're a goddamned fool.”