Chapter 15
Chapter
Fifteen
VIKTORIYA
S ofiya shows up at my door the next day.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I wanted to see how you were doing. After the ballet yesterday … You tackled Vera, Vik. That’s not normal.”
I open the door wider for her. “I take it you want to come in.”
We settle in the living room, each on opposite couches, almost like we’re squaring off for a fight. Sofiya and I have had a lot of fights over the years.
“I just want to know if you’re ok.” Sofiya’s empathy surprises me. I was prepared for her to scold me for how I acted—not try to understand me.
“I’m fine, Sofiya.” I cross my arms and lean back in my seat.
“You don’t sound fine.”
I’m a mess, is what I am. I’ve never been a mess in my life. Between missing dance and my complicated feelings for Aleksander, I don’t even recognize myself right now. I’m changing, and I’m not sure if it’s for the better or worse.
“I didn’t ask you to come here to psychoanalyze me. So, you can go if that’s what you’re doing.”
Sofiya looks me over with sadness in her eyes. I know I’ve put it there. “I just wanted to extend an olive branch. We’re both married now. Our lives are completely different than they were over a year ago. Our parents are dead. You and me and Mila, we’ve all been hurt. It’s understandable if you’re struggling.”
I flip my hair over my shoulder. “Do I look like I’m struggling?”
“Yes.”
I blink and slowly uncross my arms. “I could ask you the same question. Are you struggling?”
“Are you deflecting?”
“Just answer my question,” I snap.
Sofiya sighs. “Mikhail and I are trying to have a baby. It’s been months now, and I still haven’t gotten pregnant. I’m struggling with that.”
Her honesty shocks me. Sofiya and I have always competed with one another. Our father made it so. She rarely told me anything about her feelings.
Probably because I tend to push her away.
I know I’m doing it again now. She’s being honest with me, and I could do the same. I could tell her about my eating disorder. Because that’s what I have. There’s no use denying it any longer. I’m hurting myself, and I want to stop. Aleksander wants me to stop.
I just don’t know how to accept kindness in my life. In ballet, there was never any room for kindness, not if I wanted to get to the top.
But I’m not a ballet dancer anymore, am I?
“I didn’t know,” I say after a moment. “That must be rough.”
“It is. We always talk about having our own children. I know he’s ready to be a dad again. It just hasn’t happened yet.”
There’s a physical gap between us from couch to couch. If I were a better sister, I’d get up and close that gap.
“You can’t give up. You just have to keep trying.”
She smiles sadly. “I know. I’m trying not to stress over it and hope it happens naturally.”
“I hope you get it. You always seemed the most motherly out of the three of us. It should have been me, being the oldest, but I don’t have a nurturing bone in my body.”
“That’s not true.”
I scoff. “It most certainly is true. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you how much of a bitch I am.”
“Vik, you’re not a bitch. You’re opinionated and strong-willed. Men don’t always like that in a woman, but it doesn’t make you a bitch. You’ve comforted me before. You saved Mila’s life. You have a nurturing side.”
“Why are you being nice to me? I don’t deserve it.”
Sofiya gets up and closes the distance between us to sit beside me. “Because we’ll always be sisters. So, if there’s anything bothering you, you can tell me.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue. My eating disorder.
But to admit to it would be to admit my shame. It would be admitting I’m not perfect. I’m a mess, and Viktoriya Morozova should never be a mess.
“I’m fine,” I reiterate. The moment I say it, I can see the disappointment in Sofiya’s eyes. The way her shoulders slump and her face turns downward.
“Ok. If you say you’re fine, then you’re fine. But just answer me this: Why did you attack Vera?”
“She’s a bitch. I had enough of her attitude.”
Slowly, she cracks a smile. “Fair enough. I’m here, though, if you ever need to talk.”
I want to take her up on the offer, but I remain silent.
Aleksander takes me back to the BDSM club. I agreed to go because my body craves the release he can provide. After my conversation with Sofiya, I need a reminder that I’ll be all right.
“I’m going to push you tonight, Viktoriya,” he says, leading me into a private room decorated in dark woods and brown tones. Seductive. But instead of having a bed like the room we used before, this one is devoid of a bed. In its place is a cage, just big enough for a person to sit in.
I stop dead in my tracks at the sight of it. “What is that?”
“You need to learn to trust me. I know you were locked in a cage at that auction.”
“So … you’re going to lock me up again? How could you?” I pull away from him.
“Because I want you to face your fears. You don’t trust me yet because of what happened at that auction. I need to show you that you don’t have to fear captivity. That you can find freedom within it. You can find freedom in your mind with it.”
I stare at him like he’s fucking crazy. Honestly, he might be a little. Aleksander, after all, came from nothing. Who knows what he had to do growing up in the streets?
“I can’t do that.” I point at the cage. “I can’t.”
He slips his fingers under my chin, making me look up at him. “I know you’re scared. But I’m doing this for you.”
“How is locking me up supposed to help me?”
“You’re bound to your fears, Viktoriya. To your mind. You need to learn to let go. You need to learn to trust me fully.”
“What if I never do?”
He sighs deeply. “Then there will always be something between us.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing.”
“Do you really believe that?”
I’m not sure what I believe anymore. Here I am, taking orders from a man who grew up poor. Aleksander is beneath my station, yet he thinks he has the power to control me.
I hate him for it.
And yet, I’m drawn to him. To the power he wields. To the strength he possesses.
I haven’t thrown up as much since we married. I haven’t felt as anxious. As stressed. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever be able to remove those thoughts from my mind fully.
I glance at the cage, then quickly look away, my heart rate spiking. “I’m not sure I can do this.”
“You can. You will do this, Viktoriya. Not for me but for yourself. Is that understood?”
My eyes lock with his. They’re so steady and blue. So calming yet so invigorating. “Understood.” The moment I say it, I feel strangely better.
“You will sit in that cage until I let you out. You can speak, but even if you beg me to let you out, I will not. I will only let you out when I know you’re ready.”
Ready for what exactly? A part of me is scared to ask.
He lets go of my chin and walks over to the cage, opening the door and motioning me to it. “Get inside.”
With a deep breath, I do as he says. The inside of the cage is cold and hard. Nothing soft about it. I have to sit on my legs, so my heels dig into my skin. My short black dress is hiked up around my waist, exposing my naked lower half. I try to get comfortable, but it’s impossible.
Then Aleksander shuts the door and locks it in place.
Immediately, I’m struck with fear. “Let me out,” I say, gripping the bars.
“You know I’m not going to do that, Viktoriya. Get comfortable. You’re going to be here for a while.”
“But I’m scared,” I admit.
His eyes soften. “I know you are.” Without a backward glance at me, he leaves the room.
“Aleksander!” I shout. “Alek!”
He doesn’t come back.
I rattle the cage, but it doesn’t budge. My heart beats so fast, it hurts. Blackness starts to seep in around my vision. I can’t do this. I’m going to die in here. I’m going to get hurt.
I keep shouting for Aleksander to return, but he doesn’t. I scream for so long my throat turns raw. Eventually, I slump back against the cage and try to calm myself down.
I can survive this. I’ve survived worse things before. Literally. I killed Akim for buying me and trying to touch me. I survived his guards who beat me. I survived my parents’ deaths. I survived having my ankle broken and being unable to return to dance.
I will survive this.
I’m alone for some time when the door opens again. I’m expecting to see Aleksander, but instead, it’s a man I don’t know. He’s older. He reminds me of Akim.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my throat scratchy.
“I’m here to watch you.”
Dread settles in my stomach. “What? Watch me do what?”
“Whatever you want.” He leans back against the wall and keeps his eyes on me.
“Are you a creep? Leave me alone.”
“That’s not a nice thing to say, is it?”
Before I can respond, another person enters the room. A woman. Brunette, tall, pretty. She smirks as she looks me over.
“At least you’re nice to look at,” she says, settling against the wall by the old man.
I hold my head higher even though I can feel the flush on my cheeks. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to watch you,” the woman replies.
“Why?”
“Because your dom wants us to.”
My dom? I frown, thinking of Aleksander. Why would he invite these random strangers to just watch me?
It’s then it settles on me. He’s trying to recreate my time at the auction when a crowd of men stared at me. These people are here to watch me so I learn not to fear it.
But how can I not fear it? I’m used to people watching me when I dance—not when I sit in a cage with nothing to do but watch them back.
“Enjoying yourself?” I ask.
“Immensely,” the woman replies.
“You’re a lot chattier than a sub should be,” the old guy says.
“That’s because I’m not a sub. Aleksander is my husband.”
The woman smiles. “Interesting.”
I want to scream at these people to leave, but my throat hurts too much. So, I settle back against the cage and ignore them. Aleksander is testing my patience. He’s pushing my boundaries, just as he said he would.
The door opens again and in walks Aleksander.
“Enjoying the company?” he asks.
I glare at him.
He nods once and turns to the two people. “You can leave now.”
With one last look at me, the old man and the woman walk out the door.
“What are you doing?” I ask Aleksander once we’re alone.
“I’m testing you, Viktoriya. You need to learn to trust rather than to fight everything. So, I’m going to sit here.” He grabs a chair and sits down. “And you’ll tell me when you’re ready to leave that cage.”
“I’m ready now.”
He shakes his head. “Both you and I know that’s not true. So, tell me again when you’re really ready.”
I open my mouth to object, then promptly shut it. How does he know me so well? I’m not ready to get out because I’m still too scared.
I’m scared of what Akim did to me. I was scared standing in front of all those men as they bid on me. I’m still scared by the memory.
I’m scared I’ll never dance again. And I’m scared I don’t care enough about dance to make it happen.
I’m scared I’ll let myself trust Aleksander, and he’ll break that trust. If he does that, then my hard shell will come right back up, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle that.
I lie back and shut my eyes as a tear trickles down my face. I do what Aleksander has been telling me to do ever since we married— just feel .
I let all my fears and anxieties wash over me. I let the memory of Akim and the auction hit me. And I let the presence of Aleksander comfort me.
I stay like that for a long time. If I had to guess, at least thirty minutes. There’s no clock in the room for me to know for sure.
But I know when I’m ready.
I open my eyes to find Aleksander watching me, an open expression on his face. Was he observing me as I closed my eyes?
“I’m ready,” I say.
He nods. “You are.”
I stretch my body as I get out of the cage. Aleksander stands there with his arms open, waiting for me to come to him.
Instead of fighting it, I let myself walk into his arms and feel him hold me close.
For once, I feel truly calm.
We run into Damien as we leave the club. The sight of him brings back the memory of when he rejected me. When he thought I wasn’t good enough.
“Damien,” Aleksander says in a tense voice. He might not have any beef with Damien, but Mikhail does, and I know Aleksander takes his job seriously.
Damien nods. “Interesting to see you here,” he says to me. “I didn’t know a Morozova girl would come to a BDSM club.”
I stand closer to Aleksander, still seeking that comfort from him. “What does it matter to you? You didn’t want me, remember?”
“I do remember. Too much of a mouth on you.”
Aleksander tenses. “Be careful.”
“I am. I thought I would have some fun tonight.” He nods towards the club. “Have a good evening. And Viktoriya, you can always send your younger sister my way.”
I gasp. Damien wants Mila? Since when?
He smirks before heading inside.
“Don’t let him bother you,” Aleksander says, walking me to the car. “I haven’t spent much time with Damien, but what I do know is he likes to get under peoples’ skin.”
“He was talking about Mila.”
“Your sister is safe.”
“She wasn’t from Gleb. She wasn’t from Boris. And now another Bratva man wants her?”
“I’ll talk with Mikhail, make sure there’s always a guard on her, keeping her safe. How does that sound?”
“That sounds … good.”
But the moment I get into the car, tears hit me, and they refuse to stop coming. I’ve never cried this much before. I blame it on Aleksander. He’s making me get in touch with my “softer side,” and it’s turning me into a mess.
“Why are you crying?” he asks once he gets into the car.
“It doesn’t matter.” I wipe my tears.
He grabs my hand and covers it with his own. “It matters to me.”
“I have too much pride to say.”
“Tell me.”
I sigh and face away from him. I can only say this if I’m not looking into his eyes. “Damien embarrassed me. He rejected me. Whenever I see him, I’m reminded of that. And now, he wants my sister.”
“So, is this jealousy?” I can hear the tinge of jealousy in his own voice.
“No! I’m not jealous. I don’t want Damien for myself. I just want … I just want to not feel anything for a moment. I don’t want to be reminded that I messed up.”
“How did you mess up?”
“I chose Gleb.” Over you .
“That’s in the past now, Viktoriya.”
“Is it? He’s still out there. You and Mikhail haven’t found him yet. He could come back to hurt Mila or me. He never did get his money from us.”
“If he shows his face again, I will fucking murder him. That’s my promise to you.”
I suck in a shaky inhale. “Thank you.”
“Can you make a promise to me? Promise me you’ll leave that behind you. You’ll be with me in the present. Focus on us and nothing else.”
Easier said than done. My demons will always haunt me. I know it.
So, I can’t promise Aleksander anything. All I can do is smile and give him a small kiss on the lips. I kiss him because I want to.
Because it feels good to feel good.