Chapter 18
My body and mind wake before I open my eyes. I’m filled with the hope that he’ll still be here, but my eyes finally crack open to the recognition that he isn’t. I tell myself I can’t be mad, knowing exactly what this would be when I threw myself at him last night.
Killian doesn’t do relationships. One night is the most I could expect from him, and although I’m disappointed.
I’m more disappointed in myself that I allowed myself to hope for a different outcome.
I shake my head as I sit up and stretch.
Everything aches in the best way possible.
We had an amazing night, and if nothing else, I have that, and no one can take that away from me.
I can’t imagine sex ever being like that with anyone else.
Sighing, I grab my clothes and step into the bathroom.
The mirror is fogged, and I don’t think Steven would be up this early, and the thought that Killian showered before he left hurts a little, too.
I’m still coated in cum and sweat. While I’m not mad about it because I had the best night, I do feel slightly perturbed.
Where do I go from here? What do I say to him when I see him again?
I fire the shower up and decide I’ll head to the library. I’ve got an assignment due. Even though I’m not ashamed of what we did, I don’t really want to run into him for a while.
I dress quickly, snatch my bag and laptop, and rush out the door, heading straight to the library.
I practically run all the way there, not wanting anyone to see me, and especially not wanting to bump into Killian.
When I push into the library, I make my way to the back.
Becky is sitting at the last table in the corner.
I slide into the seat opposite her and give her a tight-lipped smile.
I start by pulling out my laptop and setting everything up on the table. Her eyes widen, and she leans forward, resting on her elbows. She grins at me and whispers, “Spill.”
“What?” I frown at her, confusion clear in my gaze.
“Did Derren do that?” She leans closer and rests over the table, pointing at my neck.
I rub at it and look at my fingers, wondering what the hell she’s talking about.
“He might as well have pissed on you to mark his territory.” She giggles and flops back into her seat, gripping her side.
I jump up from the chair and rush towards the toilet.
The door crashes as I slam my way inside, running straight to the mirror.
“What the fuck?” I gasp, staring at my neck.
It’s covered in love bites. Big purple marks all over.
I push down the neck of my sweater; they pepper my skin all around my neck and my collarbone.
Some are big, really big, and I just stare at myself in the mirror.
A big reminder of the slut I was. The marks are a dead giveaway that I’m a tramp.
I close my eyes and hold myself up on the counter.
What the fuck am I going to do other than hide?
My stomach drops when I realise what I’ve done. What I allowed to happen with Killian. My hands shake, and I close my eyes, gripping my fists on the counter as my mind races.
Who the hell am I right now?
I cheated. I cheated with Killian. Unable to have screwed everything up any more if I’d actually tried.
The thought of what Derren will do to me if he finds out sends a shudder through me.
I try to focus, but thoughts of Derren invade my mind, the way he was at dinner.
The way he took from me, only to leave me when his friends messaged.
He literally got what he wanted, then ran out of there, leaving me standing naked in my room.
I shake my head. It’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at Killian, no matter how I feel about him.
Especially because of how I feel about him, knowing full well how Killian works.
I’ve witnessed them wanting more, but once he’s done, he’s done.
I knew this, and yet I still fell for it.
I still allowed it to happen. In fact, I instigated it.
It’s no excuse, but I was hurt by what Derren did and how he’s been treating me.
But how does this make me any better? It wasn’t just once, either.
I repeatedly let Killian have his way with me all night.
My skin starts to tingle, my dick gets hard, and I stand there uncomfortably.
Angry at myself for everything. Where do I go from here?
Can I even face Killian? What about Derren? What the hell was I thinking? I splash cold water on my face to reset, straighten my jumper, and smooth out my clothes.
I mentally kick myself before walking out of the bathroom with my head held high.
I’m not ashamed of what I did. I’m not ashamed of taking what I wanted from Killian.
I am ashamed that I cheated. Regardless of how Derren has treated me, he didn’t deserve that.
My steps back to Becky are slow and measured as I take a seat at the table and blow out a breath before gesturing to her to lean closer.
“You have to promise me you won’t repeat what I tell you.”
“Okay.” She screws her face up.
“I’m serious, Becky. You’re my best friend, you need to promise me.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t say anything.”
I clasp my hands together and lean further across the table. Staring at my hands while I whisper. “It was Killian.”
“What was Killian?” The confusion is clear on her face.
“For an intelligent woman, you’re thick as fuck sometimes, Becky.” I point to my neck.
She gasps. “Killian. Did that?”
I nod.
“Holy fucking shit, tell me everything.”
Sighing, I lean back in the chair, and she rushes around the table to sit next to me. I stare at her for a second and tell her everything. Absolutely everything. She listens intently, her mouth hanging open the whole time, and I finish off with. “And here we are.”
“Well, firstly, Derren clearly has more dick in his personality than in his trousers. And secondly, fuck, Killian is so fucking hot. Please tell me you’re dumping Dickless and fucking the hottie again.”
I rest my elbows on the table, and my hands come up to cover my face, hiding. I shake my head.
She snatches my hand away.
“Why the fuck not? Scott, Derren clearly doesn’t give a shit about you.”
“We just need to figure some things out. We’re just on different pages at the minute. It’s early days, we just need to spend more time together. He might not even want to, Becky. I’ve fucked it all up. How can I even look at him now?”
“You’re kidding, right? You’ve fantasised about Killian for years, you have a real shot with him, and you’re gonna toss it aside for Derren. Come on, Scott, you can’t be that stupid?”
“That’s not helping. He doesn’t want a relationship.
This is Killian we’re talking about. One-hit wonder, Killian.
” I air quote the nickname before shaking my head.
“When I woke up, he was gone, Becks. He just left without a word, no note, nothing. There’s no moving forward from that.
He let me know what he thought about last night, loud and clear. ”
“Scott, at least talk to him.”
“No, I can’t. I need to make my peace with that and sort things out with Derren.”
“Scott, please, he’s not a good guy. Surely you can see that. Look how badly he’s treated you so far, and the sex is shit.”
“We can work on that. We just need time to get to know each other more… intimately. Then it will all fall into place.”
“Well, fine, go back to Derren. I’ll go and see Killian, because the way you spoke about him and the evidence on your neck, I’m about to slide off the end of this chair, I’m that wet.”
“Fuck’s sake, Becky,” I groan. She giggles and winks at me, and I flop forward, throwing my arms under me and crashing my head onto them.
She rubs my back and leans down and whispers into my ear, “Don’t worry, I’ll invite you to the wedding.”
I glare up at her. “Not funny, Becky.”
“Well, you don’t want him, and I ain’t seeing a fine man like that going to waste. I’ll take him off your hands, and you can be miserable with Dickless.” She rises slowly from the seat and makes her way to the other side of the table.
I shake my head and fire up the laptop. I don’t know what will happen with Derren or whether I’ll actually have to tell him what happened, but I think I’ll just take a step back from guys and see how this situation plays out.
My fingers fly over the keys as I lose myself in my work.
Becky and I keep giving each other odd looks here and there, talking about mundane things and the projects we’re working on.
My phone rings. I flip it on mute and lay it on the table facedown.
Not needing to be distracted any more today.
I ignore the constant sound as it vibrates on the table.
“Aren’t you gonna see which one of your harem that is?” Becky winks at me, and I groan.
“I don’t want to know who it is or what they want right now. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with anything other than this assignment?”
I type, I research, I edit. It’s rinse and repeat until my assignment is finished and emailed to my professor. If all else fails, I’ve knocked it out of the park with this paper. Even if my love life is going down the drain, my academic achievements aren’t.
Today has been long already. I pack everything and finally turn my phone over. Becky leans forward, and I snatch my phone to my chest before peeking at it.
“So, who is it?” She eyes me curiously.
I flick through the numerous missed calls and texts from Killian. I can’t bring myself to read any of them. But there’s one message from Derren.
Derren: Wanna go out tonight?
How the hell do I answer that? I can’t. There’s no way I can go out covered in love bites from another man.
Scott: Can’t. I’m not well, sorry
“It’s Steven,” I lie, and gives me a look, flopping back in her seat and collecting her stuff.
I don’t like to lie to anyone, but what else can I do?
It’s not like I can say, “Yeah, I’ll come out, but just for your information, I had the most amazing sex with a guy I’ve been crushing on for years.
He threw me around the bedroom, fucked me harder than anyone ever has and left me in bed covered in cum, love bites, and potential regret.
He rocked my world, and I don’t think anyone will ever match up to him now.
I crossed that line, and all other men will pale in comparison for the rest of my life.
I rest my head in my hands, contemplating my life choices.
Because while I hate that I cheated, I can’t bring myself to regret it.
I should, but the more I try to beat myself up over it, the more I ache about him leaving me.
I want more. It was everything I dreamt it would be and more.
Derren doesn’t reply, and that kinda irks me, which is totally irrational.
He hasn’t asked whether I need anything or expressed any concern.
I collect my things, and my phone buzzes. When I pick it up, I see it’s Killian calling.
Becky just glares at me. Waiting for me to give in and tell her the truth. But I don’t know how I’m feeling, let alone how to explain it to her. I snatch at my phone and answer it.
“I’m busy, Killian. What’s the matter?”
“Hey, I just wondered where you were? I came back this morning, but you were gone.”
I stare at Becky, her arms crossed over her chest, her jaw tense, almost like she’s the one I cheated on.
“Look, Killian, let’s not read too much into it, okay? We both know it was a bit of fun. It doesn’t have to be anything else.”
“Scott. Please, can we talk?”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Killian. It doesn’t have to be weird. I had a great time. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Becky’s eyes burn into mine as I hang up the phone, clutching it to my chest.
My heart is racing. I don’t know how my voice didn’t crack, but now I just want to cry.
I feel like I’ve ruined everything with the one person in the world who always had my back, who always put me first, protected me, and loved me unconditionally, more so than my own brother.
How could I have been so stupid and not thought this would destroy everything?
Becky packs the last of her things and stands to leave.
“Killian didn’t deserve that. He’s one of the good ones. You’re making a huge mistake, Scott. Derren isn’t a good guy. When he hurts you, which he will, I’ll be here for you, but don’t expect me not to say I told you so. I love you, but you’re a fucking idiot.”
She storms out of the library, leaving me with my mouth hanging open and a lump in my throat. I grab my things and head home in a daze, my mind racing. I can’t believe Becky would say that to me.
When I get home, I leave the key in the door, turn the lock over and put the chain on.
It’s not something I’ve ever done before.
Killian has a key. He treats this place like home, but right now, I just need to not blur any more lines.
I’m so confused and, if I’m honest, I’m more hurt that I woke up alone this morning.
I could have handled the rejection if it came directly from him—honest and to the point—but sneaking out in the night. I need to keep him at a distance.
I climb the stairs, use the bathroom, and sink into bed. When I pull the covers around me, it’s only then that the smell floods me. It’s him. It consumes me and squeezes my heart.
My vision blurs as I let the tears flow.
I can’t believe I was so careless with someone who means so much to me.
And as I wrap myself tighter in the feeling of him, the smell of him, I know this will never happen again.
I let myself feel all the loss and love while I silently sob into my pillow that still smells like him.