Chapter 28
I rush out into the cold air. It floats around me, sinking into my bones.
Tears streak my cheeks, and I shudder as I run across the courtyard to the back gate.
After slamming my hand on the button, I dash out of the gate and into the alley and bolt, not looking back, running straight home.
I couldn’t leave through the front door in case Derren was waiting for me.
I can’t face him after I let Killian under my skin again.
Unable to think straight when I’m around him, even though I want him so much.
I’ve always wanted him. And now I’ve had a taste of him, it’s all I can think about.
The way his mouth feels on me, the way his skin feels against mine, the way his hands feel on me, the way he smells, and the way he tastes.
Alone it’s addictive, but all of it together is so overwhelming.
I want him so badly, but I know he’s not a keeper.
He’ll have his fun and toss me aside, and I’ll be one of those sad people who follow him around, hoping for a second glance.
I can’t be like them. I can’t let him get to me, to manipulate me.
He only wants me as a plaything because he knows I’m supposed to be with Derren.
I storm into the house. Tears silently run down my cheeks.
I run straight to my room and throw myself facedown on the bed, gasping in pain as I catch the tattoo.
After rolling over and tentatively removing my jeans and underwear, I stand in front of the mirror, and my hand shakes as I remove the covering from my hip and lower abdomen.
I don’t want to see the reality, but I also can’t bear not knowing.
I slowly peel the protective layer back and gape at the tattoo.
It’s the same design he showed me, the same beautiful scroll design that I was in awe of.
But it’s his name—Killian—spread from the side of my dick all the way up to my hip.
It’s gorgeous, or at least it would be if it had been what I wanted, what I expected.
I feel betrayed. I feel violated, and I feel stupid that I let him get to me.
I let him touch me, pleasure me; so desperate in need of contact, I cheated on Derren… again.
What the hell is wrong with me? Disgust rolls over me, and I close my eyes.
But my body abandons me at the thought of Killian, the way he makes me feel when he touches me, and the way I give myself over to him.
The way he looked up at me. The way he takes me in his mouth.
I shudder, shaking myself. My dick swells at the thought of him, my mind racing, trying to contemplate where this could go.
How could I have done this to Derren again?
And how the hell am I gonna explain having this tattoo permanently on my hip?
When I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognise myself anymore.
I’m not a cheater. In my mind, it repulses me how someone could do that to another person, let alone someone they claim to love.
I’m disappointed in myself. My mind knows it’s wrong, but my body?
The way Killian looks at me and makes me feel…
I will risk burning my entire relationship with Derren to the ground for just one precious, seductively addictive moment with Killian.
I cover the tattoo over and flop onto the bed. My phone rings, and I stare at it. Derren’s name flashes on the screen, and shaky hands reach over to pick it up. I lift it to my face and click answer.
“Hey.” My voice wavers.
“Hey, you still in there? I’m outside.”
“No,” I snap. Before blowing out a breath.
“No,” I answer, calmer. I feel my heart racing, I’m panicking, and I’m starting to sweat.
“I… Derren… I couldn’t go through with it.
” My voice shakes. I can’t believe the lie falls from my lips so easily.
I’m not a liar or a cheater, but here I am, turning into someone I don’t recognise.
“You didn’t do it?” I can hear the shift in his voice, the contempt that seeps in.
“No, Derren, I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t.”
“How long were you in there?” I can hear the mistrust in his voice.
“Not long. Just being in there with him, I was uneasy. I couldn’t let him touch me. I left through the back door and came straight home.”
“Oh,” is all he says, and a long silence spreads between us before he says.
“The guys are here. I’m going out. I’ll see you soon.”
“Oh, okay,” I reply. “Derren. I love you.”
“Yeah,” he says coldly, and then hangs up.
Does he even want me? At least he’s going out with his friends, which means I won’t get to see him.
Long enough for me to figure out how to edit the tattoo or remove it.
I know that’s not reasonable, and I know it’s impossible given how new it is.
I just don’t know how to make this all right.
I curl up on the bed, my mind races with thoughts of Killian and Derren until I can’t quite decipher which one is who I want to be with and which one is not good for me. They blur together as I slip into a deep sleep, exhausted from so many emotions swirling around.
When I wake, it’s late. The sky is dark and moody, accentuating my feelings. I tug off my T-shirt, replacing it with my pyjamas. The fabric feels soft and comforting against my skin, and I head downstairs.
Steven is on his game console, and I step into the living room, standing awkwardly beside him. His gaze flicks to mine and back again as he plays, chatting into his mic.
We’re not really close. Killian was the one who looked after me, who stepped up, and that breaks my heart a little.
Because normally, he would be the one I run to.
He would be the one to talk things through with, to sort everything out.
Always making me feel safe, but now, he’s a part of the problem.
I get the feeling that Killian doesn’t really want me and just doesn’t want me to be with Derren. I feel the minute I choose Killian, he’ll leave me. He will have had what he wanted, me choosing him, and no longer be available.
Steven’s gaze settles on me.
“I’ll be back.” He slowly tugs his headset off and places it and the controller on the coffee table. He eyes me curiously before turning to face me. “Spill.”
I sigh. My hands twist in the bottom of my pyjama top, nerves rolling through me. I don’t know how to start. “I…” I take a big breath, and my eyes meet his; they’re so much like my own. I find myself wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him. “I wanted a tattoo.”
“Okay,” he says cautiously. “Why?”
“It’s complicated.” I look down again, wondering how to say what I need to say.
“I’m listening.” He’s wary. I can see the look on his face.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry.” I turn to leave, stepping into the hall.
“Scott, wait. Just sit down and say it, okay?”
“Will you listen to everything before you pass judgment?” I frown at him because, right now, I need my brother. I need a point of view that isn’t my own.
“Sure,” he says as he relaxes and pats the sofa beside him. I swallow hard before I sit uncomfortably. I wring my hands together on my knee, staring at them.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Start at the beginning, kiddo. I know I’ve missed a lot. I’m here though, okay.”
I nod, blowing out as much tension as possible before I fall into the list of regrettable decisions.
“So, I started seeing Derren.” I word vomit, telling him about the first night out and Killian coming to fetch me.
Being abandoned at the bar, and Killian coming and getting me.
I avoid the topic of our basic sex, unreciprocated pleasure, which I thought was too embarrassing.
Until I blurt out about sex with Killian, the way he made me feel, then the guilt trip from Derren.
“He then said I needed to prove I loved him by getting his name tattooed on me. He wanted Killian to do it.”
He sat and listened to the whole thing until this part, then he butts in, “Please tell me Killian wasn’t so fucking stupid to tattoo Derren’s fucking name on you?”
I stand slowly, tugging down my pyjama bottoms and then peeling back the covering. There’s a pause before a grin spreads across his face, then he bites down on both lips, pulling them into his mouth to stop himself laughing.
“It’s not fucking funny, Steven,” I snap, pushing the cover down and pulling my bottoms up.
“Wait, listen. Sit back down.” He shakes his head.
“He’s in love with you, you plank.” The grin on his face is smug, like he knows something I don’t.
“He said he loved me.” But then I told him I couldn’t go through with the tattoo. And then he didn’t say it, he didn’t say it back. I know I hurt him again.
“Not Derren. Killian. Killian is in love with you, you muppet. He will do anything to protect you, and for whatever reason, something has changed in your dynamic. Something has changed in the way he sees you. You know Killian probably even better than I do. Show me the ink again.”
I stand up and peel the covering off. With his hand pressed against my hip, he shifts closer, looking at each detail before sitting back.
“Dude, this work is impeccable. It’s beautiful.”
“He lied to me, though. I can’t trust him ever again.”
“When did he lie to you? Killian has never lied to you, not even about little things?” I know he’s right, but this time he did. It hurts.
“He said he would tattoo Derren’s name on me. Then he tattooed his own.”
“Okay, really think about it. What did he actually say?” Steven looks at me with that smug smirk again.
“Something about giving me the tattoo I deserve. That people would know who I belonged to when they saw it.”
“Well, I don’t think he lied. I think he gave you exactly what he said he would. And it is stunning, let’s face it, he’s fucking talented.” He is, but this isn’t the point I’m trying to figure out right now.
“That’s not helpful, Steven. Can you cover it up?” My brother is as skilled as Killian. He just kinda let his career slide after we lost our parents.
“I mean, I could… but I won’t.”
“What the hell, Steven, why not?”
“Look, I don’t like Derren. I don’t think he’s good for you. After what I saw, he doesn’t deserve you.”
“And Killian does?”
“Who has been the one constant in your life? The one who always looked after you, put you first, protected you?”
“He pushes me around and calls me Nerd,” I say, unsure, frowning at the thought.
“Has the way he said it ever been mean? The way he says it now, has it changed?”
I think about it for a while before I bite my lip. “I think his tone has changed. It used to be teasing. Now it feels loaded.”
“I know he’s older, but other than that, what would be so bad about being with him?”
“He’s your best friend, Steven. Isn’t that breaking some kind of bro code?”
“Do you not think he’s your best friend, too? Look, Scott, just take a second and think about it. I mean, really think about it. Think about who actually makes you feel anything good.”
“But…” I don’t know what to say. How can I end things with Derren? I feel an obligation of sorts to him after everything.
“It won’t work between me and Killian, Steven. He’s just not a relationship kind of guy.”
“Well, it doesn’t sound like Derren is much of a relationship kind of guy. He doesn’t treat you well. What’s the sex like?”
“For God’s sake, Steven.”
“Seriously, Scott, what is sex like with Derren? Does he do it for you?”
“Well, we just don’t really know each other yet.”
“So, the sex is shit then?” He laughs.
“No, it’s not shit, it’s just… He doesn’t. He wouldn’t. He won’t.” I get flustered, trying to talk to my brother about my sex life; it’s always been easier to talk to Killian about this.
“I know how the sex with Killian was.” He grins, and I realise it flowed out of me, all the gory details.
“Ugh, no, just no, I am not talking about sex with Killian anymore.”
He digs me in the ribs. “It was hot, wasn’t it?”
I thrust my head into my hands, covering my face with embarrassment.
“It was so fucking hot,” I groan.
He barks out laughing, like full-on belly laughing. “Why the hell are you fighting it so hard?”
“I just don’t want to ruin things with him. I need him. He’s too important. But, God, I’m just messing this up so bad.” His arm slides around my shoulder, and he pulls me into an awkward side hug.
“Look. I know I’m not the best at this stuff, and normally you’d go to him, so why not just go to him?”
“Ugh, this is so freaking hard.”
“Look, sleep on it, take some time. Just don’t let Derren manipulate you. I mean, tattooing a random dude’s name who’s shit in bed on your body is fucking nuts.”
“Thanks, Steven.” I stand and turn to face him. “I’m gonna go to bed, and I don’t know, just think.” He gives me a smile and nods. He turns away from me, picks up his headset, and grabs the controller.
“Yeah, dude, I’m back.”
And I guess we’re done here. I head back to bed and pick my phone up.
I type a message to Derren and one to Killian.
I then delete them both, type them all over again, before deleting them and tossing my phone back on the bed.
I wrap myself in the covers and try to sleep because I just can’t focus on one thing.
On one person. My mind twists and distorts the two men into one who would be perfect.
I’m startled awake by my phone. I snatch at it.
“Hello,” I groggily answer.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow night. We need to talk.”
“Derren?” I pull the phone away, staring at the screen. He’s gone. I flop onto the bed and groan. My mind has tortured me all night with dreams of what could be and twisted the outcome to make me regret every choice I’ve made. I decide to let fate take control, to go with it. What will be will be.