18 - BOILING POINT
Lacey
The Bluebird was nearly empty at noon on a Wednesday. Janice was already at our table by the window, no latte in front of her, just water. She rose when I came in and pulled me into a long hug.
"Hey," she said quietly when she let go. "Sit. Tell me."
I sat. I didn't quite know where to start.
"My dad called last night."
She nodded once and waited.
"He's seeing someone. Carol."
"Okay." Her voice was very gentle. "How are you with that?"
"I don't know."
She didn't fill the silence like she did normally. Her hands were folded on the table. The server came over and we ordered. Then she turned her whole attention back to me.
I told her about the call. She actually listened. I'd forgotten what that was like. The bubbly voice I hadn't recognized. Twenty-eight years of bitterness coming off him like a coat he'd finally agreed to set down. How he had not asked, in any phone call of my life, whether I was seeing anyone.
I'd been angry, I told her, and I hadn't known I was allowed to be.
Janice's hand came across the table and rested on mine. Just rested.
"Lacey," she said.
"What?"
"That's a lot."
"Yeah."
She didn't say anything else. Her thumb moved once, slowly, across my knuckle, and then went still.
"Why are you doing that?"
She blinked. "What? What am I doing?"
"Not flirting with me, not telling jokes. You're being careful with me. Stop it."
She looked surprised for a second, then let out a loud laugh and leaned back.
"Fuck, Lacey. I haven't known what to think since the club. I screwed that one up. You weren't ready, and Ricardo—" She let it trail. "I don't know."
"Maybe I wasn't ready," I broke in, "but don't pin it on Ricardo. And don't pin it on yourself either. I almost lost control and then I freaked. I've never been so embarrassed."
Janice reached over. "It wasn't what I wanted for you, Lace."
"No, let me talk. Why can't I have fun? Why do I always stop everything? It was the right place, probably the right time, I just hadn't imagined—" I stopped. "No. I'd imagined the place and the sex." I paused. "I hadn't imagined my own reaction."
I looked up at her.
"I hadn't imagined how much I'd want it. That's what scared me. Losing control," I confessed.
I sat looking into the middle distance.
Finally Janice spoke. "That makes sense, Lace. Loss of control is scary."
She was being careful again. I hated it.
"So what would've happened if I'd lost control, Janice?
I'd have felt something great, and that's it.
Where's the downside? My dad's voice? My dad's off having a great time with his new girlfriend.
Brad's disapproval? The man who had a threesome on our couch while my innocent cat watched? Why can't I just have fun?"
"Lacey, I really don't want to therapy you, you know why. But you also know there's nothing stopping you from doing whatever you decide to do. You're as free as any woman in the world."
I looked down. "I'm afraid. I know that. I'm afraid of who I'd be if I just let go." I looked back up. "But I'm also afraid of never having any joy, Janice. I'm practically middle-aged and I've never once let go in my life. Maybe I never will."
She let me sit in the silence.
I could say it if I let myself.
"God, listen to me." I reached for my water like a prop in a play. "Coming apart at lunch because my father got a girlfriend. Somebody alert cardiology. Turns out the heart specialist has one."
Janice didn't laugh. I caught the split-second crease between her eyes.
"Lace."
"I'm fine. Really."
The food came and we ate. Janice came back to herself somewhere in it, finally making jokes again, telling me some story about a woman from a conference and a hotel stairwell that I only half followed. But the pressure stayed in me the whole time, unreleased.
"Janice." I set down my fork. "What if I wanted to go back to the club?"
She was quick on the uptake.
"That would be fine. I'd love for you to come back. I could give you a proper tour this time. It's huge inside. Just the two of us, if you want."
I nodded. "I guess I ran Ricardo off, didn't I?"
She looked skeptical. "Yeah, well. I'm having second thoughts about Ricardo for you. He's a little too eager, in my opinion."
"What's that supposed to mean? Maybe he just really likes me. That's possible, you know."
Janice leaned forward. "Look. I've only ever seen Ricardo with other women at the club, never with an innocent. I'm not sure he's got the patience, or that he'll notice your—"
I started shaking my head at patience. "Jesus, Janice. I'm not a teenager. He's eleven years younger than me. He doesn't need to baby me along."
"Lacey. He told me you turned him on because it was like corrupting the innocent. He played it like a joke. I'm not sure it was one."
I tilted my head. "Isn't that what you're doing? Inviting me to the club, all the rest of it. What's the difference? I'm tired of being the innocent. That's sort of the whole point, isn't it?"
She almost looked guilty. I was getting a whole new range of expression out of my best friend today.
She took a breath. "Okay. Let me get my thoughts straight, babe, before we have a misunderstanding.
To be clear, I have no feelings for Ricardo, none.
And yes, I hear you, from where you stand I'm corrupting you too.
What I mean is this. When he said it, it didn't sound like a man who wanted to show you a new way to live.
It sounded like a man who wanted to watch you fall.
Like he wasn't the nice guy I've always known. That's all."
"I'm not as delicate as you think. And aside from lying to you for years, I've got, um, kinky fantasies of my own. Ricardo's not going to make me do anything I don't want to do. If anything, I'm afraid of what I'll end up wanting. The idea that he wants to corrupt me." I paused.
"It's a tiny bit hot."