18. Zora
ZORA
Bogdan holds the door open for me and I walk into Dr. Popov's office wishing I were anywhere else on earth.
The waiting room is empty because Bogdan called ahead and made sure it would be, and the receptionist doesn't even look up when we pass her desk and head straight for the exam room at the back of the hall.
Popov has been our family doctor for longer than I remember, and when we call on him, this is standard procedure.
"I can't believe you're doing this to me," I say as he closes the door behind us.
Being dragged into the doctor as if I'm a naughty child about to be punished is humiliating.
I'm an adult and I make my own choices. The fact that my brother thinks he gets to micromanage those choices really pisses me off.
"You said you've been sick for a week." He crosses his arms over his puffed-out chest the way he does when he's trying to assert his authority over one of our fighters. It makes me want to kick him in the shin.
"It could be food poisoning," I grumble, knowing full well if this were food poisoning, I'd have been in the hospital by now. All the signs are there, and I was just stupid enough to let my brother know I'm having them. Why he even cares is beyond me. It's not his life that's over if I'm pregnant.
"It could also be what I think it is, and if it is, we need to know now."
Dr. Popov comes in carrying a clipboard and a pair of latex gloves, whistling.
He glances up at me with a smile and nods at Bogdan.
I'm not naive. I know he already told the doctor what's going on and why we're here.
He would've been forced to in order to set up this clandestine appointment.
It's even more humiliating that I can't just be here on my own.
"Zora," he says, setting the clipboard on the counter. "Your brother tells me you've been experiencing nausea."
Before I'm even able to open my mouth in response, my brother chimes in with his two cents. "She needs a pregnancy test. And can we make it quick? I got stuff to get done."
"I can speak for myself," I hiss, glaring at him. He scowls and leans against the wall, pursing his lips at me.
"Then speak." Bogdan looks at me. "Tell the doctor what you've been feeling."
I stand there awkwardly until he nods at the chair across the room, so I have a seat. "I've been a bit nauseous in the mornings. Sometimes in the afternoons… Kinda tired, not really much of an appetite when I know I'm just going to throw up again."
Dr. Popov nods and makes a note on the clipboard. "When was your last menstrual cycle?"
"I don't remember exactly. It's not like I track it." Heat rises in my neck up to my cheeks. I picture them glowing red, which seems to make Bogdan giddy with power.
"We'll draw blood," he says, setting the clipboard down and pulling on the gloves. "The results will take about fifteen minutes, but then we'll have an idea if it's pregnancy."
"What if it's not?" I'm still fighting that edge of food poisoning, which goes against all rational thought.
"Then there are a few things it could be.
" He ties the tourniquet around my upper arm and I look away while he finds a vein.
"Electrolyte imbalance could be the culprit, or dehydration.
Sometimes women's hormones get unbalanced, a thyroid condition or something.
" He smiles as the needle goes in and I feel the pinch.
Anger thrums in my chest, making my palms sweaty and my body too hot. Dr. Popov is professional, though, not belittling the way Bogdan is. When my eyes rise up to meet my brother's I can tell he's already trying to spin this to figure out a way to use it against me or Kazimir. It's disgusting.
"What are you staring at?" he asks when I realize I've been glaring at him for more than thirty seconds.
"You're an ass," I grumble, and he chuckles at me.
"You just now figured that out?"
Dr. Popov eyes me for a second before he removes the needle and presses a cotton ball against the puncture.
I fold my arm up, pinching the cotton ball in place as he labels the vial and excuses himself without commenting on what he's heard.
Dr. Popov has been listening to Volyn family members bicker during checkups for decades and he's learned that the safest place to be is outside the room.
The door closes and I sigh and look to my brother.
Regardless of whether he's a total jerk or not, he's family, and I know he has my back even when he doesn't like the situation.
Mom and Dad taught him to be this way. "What if it's positive?
" I ask him, and he pushes off the wall to walk over toward me, handing me a bandage from the counter that the doctor neglected to give me in his haste to get out of the room.
"Then we figure out how to use it."
"Use it?" I shake my head, not believing what I'm hearing. "You're talking about a baby, Bogdan."
His dark eyes hold mine without blinking. "A Kuzin heir born to a Volyn woman… Do you understand what that means? The access that gives us? The control?"
I can't even respond to him. My head drops as I apply the bandage to my arm and toss the cotton ball in the trash and Bogdan resumes his inner world which is probably concocting ways to manipulate any Kuzin family member into giving him what he wants all over this baby.
All I can think about is what Kazimir will say when he learns he's going to be a father.
My heart feels like it could explode any second, and I know that can't be good for an unborn baby. If smoking and drinking fucks them up, surely, excess cortisol is just as bad. It makes me feel sick to my stomach again, but there's no way I'm throwing up in front of my brother.
Dr. Popov comes back thirteen minutes later—seven hundred and eighty seconds.
I know because I counted every one of the agonizing breaths while my head spins and my anxiety rises.
He closes the door and stands in front of me with the clipboard, and I can read the answer on his face before he opens his mouth.
"The blood test is positive," he says. "Your HCG levels are elevated, which confirms pregnancy. To determine how far along you are, we'd need to schedule an ultrasound."
"Can we do it now?" Bogdan asks, and I am immediately on my feet.
"No." I look at Dr. Popov and shake my head. "I will not do that with him in the room."
"Zora—"
"I said not today," I say, cutting Bogdan off mid-sentence. "I'll schedule the ultrasound on my own time."
I don’t even waste time waiting to see if my brother is following.
I storm out, stomping up the hall and through the waiting area out the door.
The sun feels warm on my skin, but I'm so angry, I can't enjoy it.
I pace on the sidewalk for a few minutes while Bogdan finishes up with the doctor and when he finally comes out, he says nothing.
Following him to the car, I start to feel massive anxiety.
I could’ve just ordered an Uber rather than subjecting myself to this car ride, but I need him to know I’m done.
I can't keep going back to Kazimir and feeling this guilt.
The longer I put myself in this position, the more likely it is he finds out I'm pregnant, and that can't happen.
The first Volyn grandchild and a possible heir to the Kuzin throne is a death warrant on my baby's head. I won't let him or her grow up in that world. I have some thinking to do.
We get in the car and drive in silence for a few blocks and Bogdan breaks first. "We need to talk about how we're going to use this." His words make my gut tight with anger.
"I'm not using my pregnancy as a weapon. Do you understand me? I only slept with him for—"
"You didn't sleep with him for fun, Zora.
You're sleeping with him because this family sent you to do a job.
" He turns a corner and checks his mirrors.
"A Kuzin baby changes the entire equation.
We can use it to manipulate Kazimir's decisions, to force his hand on business dealings, to create obligations he can't walk away from. "
"Or we could never tell him I’m pregnant." I'm fuming, ready to belt the shit out of him. How dare he assume decision making power over my life like this.
"That's not one of the options." He glances at me. "This is too good to pretend it's not happening. You can't just flake because the job got hard, Zora."
"What about the option where I decide what happens with my own body and my own child?" I'm starting to doubt my own sanity and my own loyalties. What if I tell Kazimir that I’m pregnant, tell him my brothers found a way to manipulate me? I could lie and tell him I had no idea they were doing it.
But I’m horrible at lying directly. Everything I've done was an indirect lie made easy because I do like Kaz. A lot.
"You decided what happened with your body when you got into bed with him without protection. Now we're dealing with the consequences." I can't believe how coldhearted he's being. "This isn't a conversation about your feelings, Zora. This is a conversation about the family's position."
Tears rise in my eyes and I can't stop them from slipping down my cheeks. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of seeing me cry, but here I am bawling like a child. It has to be the pregnancy hormones, because I never let myself be this emotional, especially in front of him.
I never signed up for any of this, and he's taking it way too far. "He told me he loves me," I say, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about the look in Kazimir's eyes when he said it.
Bogdan chuckles darkly. "Of course he did."
"He means it." I snap my head to look at him as he sits there smirking.
"I'm sure he does." He drums his thumbs on the steering wheel. "That makes him easier to control. A man in love will do things a rational man won't. And if he wants that baby, imagine what he'll be willing to go through to get it. It's not time to get sentimental."
"I'm not sentimental."
"You're defending a man who's supposed to be a target… You got in too deep, and now it's hurting you and you don't realize it only gets worse." For a second, I think I see his face soften, but I would never believe anything sympathetic that comes out of his mouth even if he tried.
"I'm not doing this anymore," I tell him. "I'm done."
Bogdan shakes his head and says, "Excuse me?"
"I saw what your men did to him at the airport. Kazimir's face looks like it went through a windshield." I strengthen my resolve and continue. "I didn't sign up to destroy him, Bogdan. I signed up to help weaken their organization’s trust in him."
"You signed up to do what this family needs you to do." He pulls to a stop at a red light and grabs my bicep hard. I yelp and try to pull away, but he only pinches harder. "And what this family needs is for you to finish the job."
"I don't want to do this anymore. You have to understand this is crossing a line for me." I am almost whimpering, pleading with him to let me out of this job. Can't he see how bad this is hurting me?
"Then you're no longer useful to this family in the role you're in. And if you're not useful in this role, we find you a different one." He turns back to the road as the light changes, letting go of my arm. "There are three families in the east who've been asking about marriage alliances…"
"You're threatening to marry me off if I don't use a child as a weapon?" The threat feels like a gut punch. I reel in shock and stare at him, not believing what I'm hearing.
"Only if you decide you're too good for this job." He accelerates through the intersection, but now there's a rigid glare on his face. I can't even find the words to describe how fucked up this is.
I don't have words to respond so I lean my seat back and rest my head.
Normally, when Bogdan does stupid, hurtful things, I talk to Alisa about it.
She's my rescue and the only source of comfort I have most of the time.
But this isn't something I can tell her about.
If she learns I'm pregnant, she will worry I’m rushing in, but she'll assume I'm happy and in love.
And if she learns the truth, she'll never speak to me again.
Besides the guilt of what I'm doing to Kazimir, I can't let her down either, so all of this has to stay my secret. Except it's killing me.
"I'm not your enemy. I'm your brother. And I'm trying to give you the best possible outcome in a situation that doesn't have a lot of good ones," he says as he pulls up in front of my apartment.
Then he tries to grab my arm, but I pull it free and open the door and get out.
He calls my name one more time, but I'm already walking toward the building and I don't turn around.
This is bullshit. Why did I ever think my brothers cared about me? All they care about is their agenda and making money. I'm just collateral damage to them, not their little sister whom they should protect.
Maybe I just need to come clean to Kazimir and let the chips fall where they may. At least he would know what my brothers are up to.
I doubt they'll ever follow through on their promise to let me lead anything, anyway.