Chapter 12 Secretly Watching
SECRETLY WATCHING
“That looked like a success to me,” Meredith said once the last of the people were gone.
It was six and he’d been here since seven this morning.
Meredith showed up at eight, the wedding at noon, ending at five. All vendors and family or friends of the wedding party had been cleaning up and finally exited the barn.
Ash just left, his father too. It was him and Meredith left to close up.
“It was,” he said.
His pockets were lined with tips, which he didn’t care so much about. It had more to do with being present for anything that happened with his name attached to it.
This was a pretty mild wedding.
He’d only had one so far that was rowdy. The way a good time should be, but he always wanted to ensure there was no damage to the property either.
He pulled some cash out from behind the bar and handed it to her.
“What’s this?”
“Part of the tips.”
“I don’t need that.”
“You should get it,” he said. “You came back and worked the bar too. I saw you slipping around and picking up things without people knowing.”
Empty glasses, helping with the caterer to clean up plates when they got behind. Bringing out dishes for the cake to be cut.
For someone who tripped over her own feet, she was pretty discreet when it mattered.
She reached for the cash, moved to her purse behind the bar, and stuffed it in there without looking. He could appreciate she didn’t count it out as many would.
He wasn’t sure why he made a note of that.
Maybe because, to him, he’d been secretly watching her all day.
The wide smile on her unpainted lush lips.
The joy behind her light brown eyes.
The giddiness of the newly married couple with her bouncing in place, her long wavy brown hair swishing around her shoulders.
He’d seen a tear or two she’d wiped away also.
He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought of it before. That she was a romantic at heart.
Considering what she’d told him about her ex, maybe that was why he hadn’t.
“Did the other weddings go late?” she asked.
“Nah. We have a set time. I don’t want my parents worrying that people are on the property past ten. Weddings end at nine if they have to clean up themselves. If we handle it, it’s ending at ten and we can deal with it the next day.”
“Will you let people come back the next day to get things if they choose not to clean up?” she asked.
“Not right yet,” he said. “It’s a work in progress.”
“And you’re so hands on, I bet you need a day for yourself too.”
He snorted. “I’m not used to getting that.”
Not since he’d been home and not before.
Even when he wasn’t on duty as a Navy SEAL, he was still on. He could be called at any point to take off on a mission and had to be ready.
Shit that was drilled into their heads.
Not everyone followed the rules though, and those that didn’t, they found their asses in a bind.
He shook his head and picked up the bin of dirty glasses.
“Why did you do that?”
“Do what?” he asked.
“Shake like a dog.”
“I hadn’t realized I had.” Nor did he think she paid that close attention to him.
“Well, you did. You know, like something popped into your head and you wanted it out at all costs. I call it a phantom weight.”
“Phantom weight?”
“Yep,” she said cheerfully. “All that stuff in your mind that shouldn’t be there and you think it’s not, but it shows up at the worst imaginable times and weighs more than a tractor trailer.
And just like a tractor trailer, you can slam on the brakes to stop it from happening, but it won’t end right away.
Has to slip and slide its way out of your mind at its own pace. ”
“Sounds about right,” he said and walked past her.
He didn’t miss her frown that he wasn’t sharing more. Why would he?
It was the one thing he hadn’t done since he’d been home, no matter how much his parents and siblings wanted him to.
Guilt was a heavier burden on him than the phantom weight she talked about.
Another thing that he couldn’t get out of his mind that crept in unexpectedly.
He loaded the glasses in the dishwasher. Once it was full, he turned it on and walked around the kitchen to make sure everything was off and cleaned up.
It looked better than it had the other times they’d finished with an event.
Meredith had been back here and she did a damn good job.
Better than his mother did, but he wasn’t foolish enough to voice that to anyone.
He hit the light switch, returned to the reception area, saw Meredith standing on a table in her little heels, her legs wobbly, and reaching for the banner left tacked up.
“What the fuck,” he mumbled and took off toward her just as she’d lost her balance and in her attempt to right herself, actually took a tumble backwards.
He caught her in his arms as if he were cradling a baby.
“What are you doing?” he shouted.
Her brown eyes were wide, her face was pale, and her mouth was open.
“I was trying to take the sign down. They forgot it and just texted me.”
“You could have asked,” he said. “Or gotten on a ladder rather than a table that isn’t meant for climbing on.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m not used to asking for help. And I thought I could do it.”
“Well, you couldn’t,” he snapped.
He should put her down but found he liked her in his arms too much.
Not a good thing.
Her face was flush now, as if she realized he was still holding her and didn’t need to be.
“Why are you fighting this so hard?” she whispered.
He didn’t need her to explain more.
It was all over her face.
Maybe she was seeing it on his too.
But he was too old for her.
Too callous and inflexible.
Someone like her needed a man that she could talk to at the end of the day. To share dreams and hopes.
Talk about colors, flowers, and paper hearts.
Yeah, not going to be him.
“Why are you pushing so hard?” he asked.
Her eyes were roaming over his face, her hand on his arm, caressing it as if she was petting him.
Trying to calm his racing heart that he was positive she had no clue was happening.
At least he hoped to hell not.
“Because I see something that you don’t want me to.”
He shifted his arms and put her on her feet. He needed the distance.
“I doubt that.”
“Don’t get all cantankerous on me.”
“It’s the way I am,” he said, walking away.
She reached out to grab his arm. The move surprised him enough to stop, even though there was no force behind it.
“No,” she said. “You want me to think it. You want to push me away. To hurt me. Or hurt me enough that I’m scared to be around you.”
Fuck.
He didn’t want her to fear him.
Nor did he want to hurt her.
Hell, half the time he was saving her from hurting herself.
But he didn’t want her emotions.
He didn’t want to feel something for her when he knew he couldn’t have her.
It’d never work.
She was his younger sister’s friend.
The complete opposite of him.
He had too many demons he couldn’t battle and he’d never let them seep onto someone else.
“I don’t want to hurt or scare you.”
“But you want to push me away,” she said, lifting her chin.
She sure was a stubborn one.
There was no reason to answer that.
She dropped her arm and he went back behind the bar and checked on the taps, the register, and emptied the cash, stuffed it in the deposit bag and slapped it on the bar top with more force than necessary.
“We’re done here,” he said. “You can go.”
She laughed, her head shaking this time. Just a slight one, but he caught it.
“That’s your way to end this conversation rather than face it head-on. I didn’t think you were that much of a coward.”
“You think you can push my buttons?” he asked, stalking toward her, stopping right in her personal space.
He was looking down at her. He had a solid foot over her five-foot-three-inch frame. More than a hundred pounds on top of it.
“Looks like I’m doing it.”
He pursed his lips together. “You can’t handle me.”
She shrugged, the grin on her face taunting him. He wouldn’t admit he was impressed by her stance. “You’re telling yourself that because you’re too afraid to give me a chance.”
“I’m not afraid of shit,” he said, his laugh almost cruel.
“You’ve got rainbows and sunshine in your eyes and, sweetie, it’s been way too many years since I’ve seen or felt any of that.
Trust me, you don’t want me to take it away from you because just being in my presence will.
Do us both a favor and wipe it from your mind. ”
“I can’t,” she said. “But talking to you is like banging my head on a wall. I want to do it, I really do, but then you’ll think you have to save me again and maybe I’m sick of you seeing me only in that light.”
She turned on her heel, grabbed her purse, threw it on her shoulder and stalked out.
He wanted to call her back.
To tell her he didn’t mean to be a dick.
But he did mean it.
He wanted to push her away.
He wasn’t lying when he said he’d suck the light and joy out of her.
She didn’t deserve that to happen.
He let out a breath, hit the lights and climbed into his truck, then drove to the gates on the property to shut them for the night.
If his parents or Reenie weren’t here, even Ford, they’d let themselves in with the code, but he always locked the property down at night to not have to worry about trespassers.
He climbed back into his truck and drove to his house alone.
Where he’d be for years if he kept this shit up.
Yet he couldn’t get out of his own way.