Chapter 14 It Centered Him
IT CENTERED HIM
Clay was on his front porch with a beer in his hand. The sun had set, but he didn’t care that the only light was his front porch.
Sometimes he needed to sit out here and listen to the sounds of the surrounding land. The animals moving around, the wind in the trees, the scent of the apples in the air.
Or maybe he needed a breather from his interactions with Meredith.
His home was supposed to be his safe haven, yet he walked in the door and smelled her in the air.
The faint essence that clung to her.
Not perfume. He wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe lotion or hair products.
It wasn’t offensive. More like pleasant.
Enough that he inhaled the air in his house so deeply when he entered he thought his lungs would explode.
When he looked into the hall bath and saw her bag on the floor, he understood why the scent was so potent.
That woman was nothing but trouble.
He’d picked the bag up and put it on the dining room table he never used. He’d deal with it tomorrow. Tonight he just needed to get some peace in his life that didn’t want to come.
Headlights were coming down the road. He recognized it as Ford. He hoped his brother would drive by, but instead he pulled into the driveway, parked, and got out.
“What’s going on?” Clay asked.
“Not much.”
“Where’s Reenie?”
“At the cabin,” Ford said. “I was just going there for the night.”
“Then why are you here and not cuddling up with your girlfriend? Or eating the dinner she probably has warming for you?”
“Don’t be jealous,” Ford said, coming up and sitting next to him on the porch.
Didn’t look as if he was going to get rid of his brother that easily.
“Hard not to be. But she’s been bringing me food too.”
“She’s good that way,” Ford said.
He’d had his doubts early on with Reenie, but she’d proven him wrong.
He wasn’t used to that happening. Then he wondered if he was wrong about Meredith also.
Was he judging her too harshly or pushing her away for the wrong reasons? Was he afraid to open himself up?
Yeah, he was.
But he also didn’t want to rain on her happiness parade.
He wasn’t lying when he said that to her.
“Want a beer?” he asked.
“Yep,” Ford said, getting up and walking into the house.
Clay sipped out of his can and stared up at the sky. He always found a sense of calmness looking at the stars. It didn’t matter where he was in the world—if he could see the stars he felt it centered him.
“Is there a reason you’re here?” Clay asked when his brother sat down.
“Because you are.”
“I’m here all the time.”
“We can play it this way again,” Ford said. “Small talk. Or I can tell you to just open up and tell me what is going on with you. You came home a different man. We all thought you were relaxing and then everything happened with Reenie. I didn’t want that for you.”
He knew what Ford was talking about. That Clay killed two men helping to protect Reenie.
He could have shot to disarm as his brother had, but the outcome would have been the same. Probably worse.
He knew people like those that kidnapped Reenie. Desperation was the running emotion. When that happens, the risks have to be weighed.
His assessment saved the lives of those he loved and he’d do the same all over again.
He didn’t worry that there’d be any fallout for his actions. His brother took care of it by following the rules and deputizing him.
Was there an investigation? Yep.
But it all came back as clean kills and the remaining suspect was now in prison awaiting his trial in Florida.
His brother could have died, the same as Reenie.
They were safe and that was all that mattered.
“It’s not anything I haven’t dealt with before,” he said.
“But you shouldn’t have had to deal with it here,” Ford said. “Are you going to tell me why you left the Navy? It won’t go any further. You know you can trust me.”
He could trust everyone in his family.
“It’s difficult to say,” he said.
Months ago he wouldn’t have considered voicing that much.
He wasn’t sure what changed.
“Pretend I’m not here,” Ford said. “Just talk to the sky like you did as a kid in the tree house.”
Clay snorted, not surprised his brother knew that. “Were you spying on me?”
“Isn’t that what brothers do?”
“I guess.” He took another sip. He wasn’t sure where to start. “You have to be prepared for anything.”
“You’ve said that for years,” Ford said.
“It’s one of those things that will always remain true.” Ford said nothing, so he kept talking. “We had this young guy on the team. Came in really cocky and full of himself.”
“Bet it was like looking in the mirror.”
He laughed. Not a funny sound. “I wasn’t nearly as bad as Colin. I wasn’t reckless.”
“You’re not one to tolerate that.”
“No. But I didn’t have to speak up. I wasn’t the leader.
Colin got a lot of shit from others. He never had his gear ready.
He didn’t plan or study like the rest of us.
He wanted to go in and be the hero because he was physically good.
I mean, his ability to get by the enemy unheard was off the charts.
I often wondered if he was a ghost and could walk through walls. ”
“Sounds like he might be your ghost.”
“Yeah. He is,” he said. “He’s gone now. Got cocky one too many times.”
“And he was caught unaware and you blame yourself?”
“He wasn’t the only one caught unaware,” he said, turning his head to Ford. “No one saw what was under the surface with him. No one saw his demons.”
“How did he die?” Ford asked slowly.
“He took his own life.”
Clay blinked his eyes a few times. He’d shed enough tears in private.
“And you blame yourself?”
“I was the last person to talk to him that night. I gave him shit. I tipped the scale.”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” Ford said. “You don’t know what he was thinking.”
“No,” he said. “I don’t. And I should have seen that too.”
“You’re not Superman,” Ford said. “You can’t save everyone even though you damn well try. You’re human, like the rest of us.”
“Says the man that ran into the line of fire to get the woman he loved.”
“You’d do the same thing,” Ford said.
“I would.”
“We can’t change who we are,” Ford said. “You know I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I know. I appreciate it. Mom would freak out if she knew.”
“Mom has never freaked out a day in her life.” His brother was laughing. “She’s the strongest woman I know.”
“True.”
“What else is going on? You’ve been more ornery than normal in the past few weeks. I’m not the only one that has noticed it,” Ford said.
He shrugged. “Just busy.”
“You like to stay busy,” Ford said. “There is more to it. I feel as if I look back, it’s around the time Meredith was hired. I know the whole wedding thing wasn’t your first choice. I would have thought it’d be easier having her deal with it.”
“It is,” he lied.
Not really a lie since from a work standpoint it was easier. Just not him mentally.
“But you’re struggling,” Ford said. “Why?”
“I’m not good with people like her.”
Ford coughed on the sip of his beer. “Women? Or happy people?”
He snorted. “Both.”
“Gale told me you were a dick to Meredith. I wasn’t sure I believed it and thought she was overreacting. Now I’m not so sure. You’ve always been someone to push people away if you don’t want them in your space. Even if you didn’t know their intentions.”
“I know her intentions,” he mumbled.
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Ford said. “If she’s making the move, why are you fighting it? I remember you watching her as a kid.”
“What the hell were you doing watching her?” he asked, swiveling his head.
Ford put his hands up. “I wasn’t watching her. Nothing more than to make sure she didn’t hurt herself. But I was watching you watch her. And it wasn’t all about protecting her.”
“She was too young.”
“Back then, sure. She’s an adult now. Sounds like she knows her mind.”
“She thinks she does. It’s complicated. I don’t need things to get messy when I want Mom to have the break here.”
Ford’s head went back and forth. “That I’ll buy. Because we know damn well you could mess up a bunch of shit.”
“There you go,” he said.
They sat there in silence for five minutes. He thought for sure Ford would finish his beer and go.
He didn’t.
“I noticed a floral bag on the table.”
He sighed. “It’s Meredith’s. I let her come here to clean up and change before the wedding. I don’t need customers and guests to think we are sloppy people.”
“You have many excuses lined up,” Ford said.
“It’s not as if I was here when she took a shower.”
“But you wished you were.”
He let out a half laugh. “I’m not gonna lie.”
“Do you feel better talking?”
“What, are you some counselor now?”
“Maybe it’s part of my job,” Ford said. “Healing takes a lot of forms.”
“Are you Reenie’s counselor?”
“No,” he said. “But we are both seeing one. I had to for work after being shot. You know that.”
“I’ve had my head examined enough too.”
It didn’t matter how many times he talked to someone, he never told them everything. He was always cleared.
It was all about getting back out there and on the job.
Where he could prove himself.
“Doesn’t sound like it helped much back then,” Ford said.
“Are you mad I came home and made all these changes?” he asked. “I’m not sure where you’re going with this.”
“We’re all happy to have you back, Clay. Never think otherwise. But we’d be happier if you were who you used to be.”
“It’s never going to happen. You’re not the same either. You know that.”
Ford nodded his head. “I’m not. I like to think I’m a better version of myself. At least in the past several months since Reenie returned to my life.”
“You were head over heels in love with her decades ago,” he said. “That’s different.”
“Maybe deep down you felt something more decades ago but never would let yourself admit it. Nothing should stop you now if she’s making the moves unless you’re afraid.”
“If one more person tells me I’m afraid I’m going to lose my shit.”
Ford stood up and finished his beer, then set it on the railing. “She’s got some balls on her for sure. That’s exactly what you need.”