Chapter Nineteen #2
His gaze flares with shock, his hand dropping away from my cheek. ‘What?’ He sounds as if I’ve just told him someone’s died.
I swallow hard yet again. ‘I’m in love with you. I think I fell in love with you a couple of weeks ago, to be honest. But just seeing you with all these plans for our little family…’ Another tear runs down my cheek, and I let it fall. ‘It’s everything I wanted for so many years.’
He’s still staring at me and his face has gone white. His mouth has hardened into a line. ‘I told you,’ he says roughly. ‘I told you that love would never be part of this.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I know. And I don’t expect anything—’
‘You don’t understand,’ he interrupts, suddenly fierce. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Beatrix. I don’t. But you telling me this has put me in an impossible position.’
This time it’s my turn to blink. ‘What position?’
He lifts a restless hand to his hair, shoving his fingers through it distractedly. ‘I have to tell you the truth and I won’t lie. And it will hurt.’ Anger flares in his eyes, familiar and hot. ‘Fuck, all I ever do is hurt people.’
‘No, no,’ I say quickly, trying to deflect him from the path I can see he’s heading down already. ‘I didn’t mean to put you in that position. I know you don’t love me, Santiago, you were very clear about that.’
‘No,’ he says, his gaze holding mine, ‘I don’t. And I won’t. You do understand that, don’t you? It’s not something that will grow with time or hit me out of the blue, or anything else. It’s a conscious decision that I made years ago, and I’m not changing my mind just for you.’
He’s furious, I can see that, and I knew he would be.
It’s the way he protects himself. So it’s not unexpected, yet no matter how I told myself it wouldn’t hurt, it does.
It feels as if he’s reached inside my chest, wrapped his long fingers around my heart and yanked it out, still bloody and beating.
But I draw myself up, because I’m not going to regret my decision or castigate myself for speaking up. And I’m certainly not going to apologise for loving him.
‘I’m not asking you to,’ I say as levelly as I can. ‘I’m not asking you for anything you don’t want to give. And I’m not going to push you or force you, or blackmail you emotionally. I’m not going to ask you for anything at all.’
That telltale muscle flicks in the side of his jaw. ‘So why the fuck did you tell me?’
‘Because I wanted you to know that you have someone who loves you. Someone who doesn’t expect anything from you except to be the person you are.
You don’t have to take care of me, you don’t have to take responsibility for me, and I’m certainly not going to be your duty. ’ I take a breath. ‘I just love you.’
He’s shaking his head, his eyes glittering with an emotion I don’t recognise. ‘You heard me, didn’t you? That I’m never going to love you back.’
‘I heard.’
‘And what? That doesn’t matter to you?’
I have to be truthful here, too. ‘Yes, it does. But if you can’t love me back, that’s fine too.’
He’s breathing faster now, fury in his eyes and all of it directed at me. ‘How could you do this? What we had was good. Planning for the baby and—’
‘We can still have that,’ I interrupt. ‘Nothing has to change.’
‘Yes, it does,’ he argues. ‘Of course it does. How can we go on with this when you love me and I don’t love you? How can you not be hurt by this?’
I lift my chin. ‘My feelings are not your responsibility, Santiago. And I’m not apologising for them, either. If I tell you that nothing has to change, then it won’t.’
He stares at me. ‘And if I don’t want you any more? What then?’
I know he’s being deliberately blunt, deliberately honest, but it feels as if he’s tearing strips from my soul. I didn’t realise it would hurt like this. ‘I don’t know,’ I say honestly. ‘This was never going to be permanent anyway, right? That’s what you told me. You made that very clear.’
He blinks, as if this is a shock to him. ‘You can’t stay here, Beatrix,’ he says. ‘We can’t be here, not together. I can’t be here.’
Another arrow hits me in the chest, another pain to add to all the rest, but all I do is nod. ‘If you can’t, then you can’t. But you don’t have to leave. This is your home. I’ll go back to the hacienda.’
His dark eyes rove over me, the lines of his face hardening as he retreats from me once again, safe in his scientist persona. ‘No,’ he says curtly. ‘I don’t want you going back there. You will have the baby here as planned.’
‘Okay,’ I say simply, a certain resolution hardening inside me, too.
I can’t reach him with argument, I know that.
I can’t reach him with demands, either, since that’s all his parents ever did, argue and demand.
Going back to the hacienda won’t work, since that’s akin to leaving him, and I’m not going to leave him.
He needs someone who’ll stay, even if he’s angry, even if he’s cruel.
He needs to know that someone loves him, despite all his thorns, and in spite of his fear, since that’s slowly becoming apparent to me now.
He’s afraid. He’s afraid and he’s pushing me away. But he won’t be able to do that. I’m more stubborn than he is, and love has only intensified that stubbornness. I won’t let him distance me, I won’t.
‘Okay?’ he says, as if he’s never heard the word before. ‘That’s all you have to say?’
‘Yes,’ I say, then turn for the door. ‘If you’re not going to be here for dinner, let me know so I can tell Helene.’
Then, without another word, I leave the room and close the door quietly behind me.