31. Esther
ESTHER
Blaze stands at the entrance of the tent. I purposefully fold my hands around the pelt, anchoring myself so I don’t run to him.
“Esther,” he breathes, removing the leather mask that covers the lower half of his face as he crosses the room. A visceral anguish chokes me when I see the light in his eyes, and the way he breathes my name.
Not everything is lost.
“You’re here,” my voice cracks.
His gaze scans the bloody circle. “I was told I could enter the circle, but you could not leave it until morning. But…”
“But?” I reach my hand out desperately needing to touch him.
He looks at me then, his face twisting with so much anguish. “I have no right to touch you. I hurt you, Esther.”
“None of that matters.” I stretch farther to reach him, and his fingertips brush against mine.
My ribs burn as I tug him toward me, his arms immediately wrapping around me as I pull him in and rest my head against his chest. “You’re alive,” I whisper, imploring his warmth and nestling into the familiarity of home. “You came back.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, nudging his face into the top of my hair.
I cling to him desperately, just like I did when I was a child.
When he first became my comfort, my anchor, the person I could trust the most. The first person I spoke to after my parents had been taken from me.
All of these emotions are desperately resurfacing as I cling to him for salvation.
“How?” I ask, looking up into his icy blue gaze, never wanting to look away.
Blaze has always been the calm to my storm.
The one person I was always excited to see when he returned from missions.
The one person, through all of this, I thought about the most, except one.
“Master Kain,” my voice breaks. “I didn’t do it, I didn’t kill him, you have to believe me. ”
“I know, I know,” he assures, “I know you didn’t do it, Esther. Not once did I think you did.” I snuggle closer, a tiny ball, as he shields me from the outside world like he once did. But now that I’ve seen the outside world, I want to remain like this forever in a false sense of security.
Now I understand why he always left out the intricate details of his missions and only told me about the fairytale version of magic and beasts. Because in his own way, he was protecting me, but he left me wildly unprepared.
We lie together for some time, my head on his chest, comforted by the smell of home. Grimace materializes, barely squeezing between us.
“I’m sorry, Esther, I tried so hard to break out of Dahlia’s enchantment,” his own voice cracks, and when I look up, tears are leaking from his eyes.
I haven’t seen him cry since we were children.
He certainly didn’t express emotion, but to see him breaking apart just as I am brings me little comfort.
To know that we’re still only children on the horizon of war.
Torn apart, unprepared, and absolutely desperate for everything to remain the same, even though it can never be.
“It wasn’t your fault. I know you would never hurt me.”
“But I did.” He pushes me away so that I can face him again. “I hurt you. I tried to kill you. I was conscious through all of it. But no matter how hard I fought the chains, my body moved of its own accord, focused on only bringing you in, and killing anything that stood in my way.”
“I don’t blame you, Blaze. I’m only grateful that you’re safe.” It dawns on me, so overwhelmed by the relief of him being here that I didn’t understand as to how. “How did you free yourself?”
He looks away, ashamed, scratching underneath Grimace’s chin as he sniffs around him, recognizing the familiar face and scent.
“I didn’t. Your… traveling companion did.”
“Regent?”
His jaw ticks at the mention of his name, and I can feel the frosty wall erect.
Too desperate to be on the other side, I hug him again and place my head on his chest. Too scared I’ll never have the chance again.
Part of me clings to him in a way that I would Master Kain.
I might’ve once feigned indifference, but I realize now that it’s important for them to know what they mean to me.
Blaze’s muscles relax, and he comes to soothe over my head with his hand.
Something he’d once done when we were children.
“I attacked him on the outskirts of the Volmere auctions. I was tracking you, but he suddenly appeared, and I was aware that I would have to take him out first to get to you. Greers took you into a carriage. We went head-to-head, blows were exchanged, and he got the upper hand.” He rolls his shoulders uncomfortably.
“I’ve never fought a greer like him. He doesn’t chant like the others.
There’s no room for error or delay. The only reason I got an upper hand on him the first time in the barn was because he was distracted by… you.”
My mind drifts back to the memory of Regent pressing me against the barn and that same desire tumbles low in my stomach. I push away at Blaze, too ashamed to be thinking of another man while I cling to him. “That was a lapse in judgment,” I quickly say. “We’re not like that.”
“Like what?”
I look up at him, my mouth suddenly becoming parched.
Desire mixes with rage as I think about the last words exchanged between Regent and myself only moments ago. Then I quickly recover, grateful that, for some reason, he listened. He didn’t kill Blaze. He brought him here instead.
For me.
“It’s complicated.”
“Hmm.” I sense the frosty wall returning. “The moment your wounds are healed, we need to leave this place and go to a different continent. We need to get as far away from Dahlia as possible.”
My eyes widen, and I’m surprised when I pull out of his grip, forcing space between us. “We can’t just leave.”
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Of course we can, Esther. You don’t owe anything to these people. And trust me, we need to leave Hemmont.”
“What are you talking about?”
He licks his lips. “Dahlia’s coming for you, but it goes beyond just you and taking over Caldom Kingdom. She’s aligned with King Saldom from the East. Now that she’s acquired Caldom’s army, they intend to overthrow the old king here, in Hemmont. They’re starting another war.”
“But isn’t Hemmont’s princess married to King Saldom?”
“I don’t care about any of those politics. All I care about is getting you somewhere safe.”
I fall back, even more confused as Grimace comes to lie in my lap. “It has always been your job to keep up with the politics. If Dahlia also takes over this continent, what will happen to the people of this land? What of our kingdom?”
“None of that matters, Esther. The only thing that matters is keeping you safe and hidden. We can go to the land of Skyla. It’s rough to get into, but it’ll act as a buffer if others try to follow. We’ll—”
“No.” I grow frustrated with not being able to stand and pace. It’s all wrong. “No, Blaze, we have to warn these people.”
“They already know,” he says quietly. “We need to get you out.”
“I will not run again!” My magic shoves out, a cold chill frosting the air and rattling an ominous wind through the tent.
I hide my face, ashamed. I’m not the same as when Blaze last saw me.
“Master Kain took my right away to fight alongside him on that night. I will not have that decision taken from me again. By anyone, including you.” I want to return to my kingdom and face Dahlia.
I want Master Kain’s vision to see fruition for his city and people.
“I watched her laugh as she turned on him. I witnessed her using a randor blade and beast against him, and he took away my choice to fight by his side. I have been, if nothing else, a broken shell this entire time, fueled by the need to return because I have no other place to go. Dahlia took everything from me.”
“We can find a new home.”
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s not the place, Blaze, it’s the ideal.
For people like you and me who were forcefully taken from our homes, Master Kain created a place of safety, beyond what I understood at the time.
He might not have wanted to fight the outside world, but I do.
I might not be ready, but I’m willing to try. ”
His hand cups my face, his lips peeling back. “You cannot bring him back, Esther. He did all of this to protect you, as I am now.”
“What of Selena? Barbados? What of the children and the farmers? Who will protect them?”
He grinds his teeth. “Since when do you care so deeply about others’ affairs? This is the world we live in, Esther. It’s cruel and cunning, and those who survive keep moving.”
I place my hand on his, tears spilling over my cheeks.
There’s an absolution of how right this feels sinking into my stomach, as if Master Kain were sitting with us in this very room.
“And we will. But I choose to return. I don’t want to be hated for what I am, Blaze.
What is the point of having all this power at my fingertips if I can help no one? Do you know how lonely that is?”
“You are not strong enough now, not against this, Esther. Not against armies,” he says, heartfelt.
“Not now, but I will be. I have to do this, and you don’t have to remain by my side for it.”
His eyes grow wide, his jaw tight. “You know I will remain by your side. If this is what you want, I will do so because you are my queen.”
“I am not your queen.”
“You were always meant to be the queen,” he says in a low whisper.
My eyebrows crinkle together. “From the very start. When I was placed as your friend and my training began, King Kain always intended for you to take his place. And I failed him, choosing to tell you to run instead of taking back the throne. But now it’s because I only care about your safety. ”
He presses his forehead to mine, mixed emotions rolling through me.
Anger bubbles in my veins at the thought of being tricked and betrayed, but I push it to the side, too desperate to keep him here.
Because I know this is true, and I refuse to fight it on merit, when I so desperately fought to have him here.
Given by the one man whom I misunderstand the most.
“How many believe I killed him?”
“None who matter. Those who know better wait for you, Esther. The kingdom is in ruins as it changes with Dahlia’s influence and whims. Chains have been brought back in, soldiers and beasts with weird behaviors guard the walls and castle.
The beasts are uncontracted but obey. The kingdom has fallen. ”
Soldiers and beasts with weird behaviors and no contracts? I wonder if this has much to do with the likes of her soldiers who challenged Regent and myself with the croons that they were somehow able to control.
“Something has shifted and is making this world sick, and I only wish to protect you,” he says in earnest, his hand still cupping my cheek.
The warmth of his breath mingles with mine, and suddenly I’m once again reminded that we are no longer children.
That he is a man, and I am a woman. My gaze averts, and I cuddle into him again, uneased by the subtle rejection but confused that it’s not his warmth and touch I crave. Because my body yearns for another.
His head rests on top of mine as he strokes my back, comforting me.
“Selena misses you deeply. I’m certain she and Barbados have been conspiring. However considering my circumstances, I wasn’t trustworthy to share the finer details with. It was only a week after your disappearance, I was sent to retrieve you.”
“What happens when you don’t return?”
“It doesn’t matter. Get some sleep, Esther. You’re the only thing that matters to me now.”