Chapter 24 #2
Lucas’ hands rest on my wrists and it’s so tender that I find the strength to whisper, “I need time. I’m scared, Lucas.
I’ve only loved one other person and the fallout left me broken.
Please. Give me time to heal and find the courage to say it.
You won’t have to make me, okay?” My gaze dips back to his lips.
“It won’t go back to how it was. I swear. Just don’t go.”
The smile that lights Lucas warms me. I should feel deep shame that even these crumbs are enough for him, but I’m so grateful that he’s staying.
I smile weakly at him, but it slips away when I catch the dark aura radiating from Valen.
Lucas was right in his assessment of Valen’s intentions, and my miscalculation will cost me greatly. “I need to talk to Valen in private.”
Lucas presses a kiss to my palm, his breath warming it. “Okay.”
My heart flutters and it’s agony to unlock my ankles. Lucas steps away. “I’ll dip down into Nora’s shop. I was going to tell you, the streets are crawling with the Guild and bounty hunters. There are permitted weavers searching, too. I barely made it half a block.”
I nod. It’s a problem for later. My eyes are locked with Valen’s, preparing to intervene if the weaver snaps. “Okay. Thank you.”
Lucas steps away. He goes to slip by Valen, but the two men lock glares.
Valen’s eyes narrow, his lip curling, and Lucas smirks.
He murmurs something too low for me to hear and violence ripples across Valen’s face.
I suddenly doubt everything I thought I saw budding between the two men and that scares me worse than Lucas leaving. I must fix this.
Lucas slips out and trots to the door leading to Nora’s shop. The slam echoes in the empty apartment.
My eyes narrow, my voice dangerously low. “Don’t ever do that again.”
Valen must be in a particularly vicious mood. He smirks, eyes glowing. “And what is it that I did?”
“Next time you see someone watching us, you tell me. You don’t get to hurt him because you’re jealous.” My fists clench. “He’s not like us. He’s soft and kind.”
“Bold to assume that I’d use you in such a way.” Valen shoves off the wall and saunters into the kitchen. “For the record, since you think so little of my honor, I didn’t realize he was watching until after, or I would’ve informed you we had an audience.”
He opens a cabinet for a glass and fills it with water.
I watch him cautiously, eyeing the way his throat moves, and measure how relaxed his hands are.
He sets the glass down with a click. The silence that follows is unbearable.
I pick at my borrowed nightgown. “You’re not going to deny being jealous? ”
He huffs and turns around to lean against the counter. “There’s no use denying it.”
Frustration flares in my chest. “Why? As you so eloquently put it, it’s your cum on my thighs.”
A muscle in his jaw flickers and he looks away. “That was crass of me, and I do apologize. I let my emotions get the better of me.”
He’s evading and I’m not going to permit him to get away with it. “Why?”
He sighs harshly, some of his edge dulling. “I told you that I still love you, and you didn’t say it back.”
“That’s it?” I fiddle with the nightgown. “I didn’t say it back to him either.”
“Yes, but you don’t have to. It’s clear to any half-idiot that you do.”
My mouth forms a small ‘o’ when it clicks. “You’re insecure about my feelings for you.”
His shoulders tense.
“Valen, you’re special to me.”
“Was.” His gaze sharpens. “Was special to you. Back then, I never would’ve doubted your intentions.
Never doubted the depth of your feelings.
We breathed each other. One soul, two bodies.
And here I am, hearing similar sentiments being expressed by another, and it’s like a blade into my already-shredded heart.
” His voice strains. “You left me, Tori. You didn’t come back.
I know you wanted me to chase you, but I was on the other side waiting every night for you to reappear. ”
My breath catches. “You betrayed—”
“I was blindsided too, Astoria! I trusted my father to have some deeper plan in action. I didn’t find out what he intended until it was too late.
” His teeth bare. “Maybe if you stopped being so mad at my father for a second, you’d see you’re punishing me for his sins, just like you punished Alasdair. ”
It’s like he slapped me in the face. I stumble back into the table, the rattling of the rocking table legs mixing with the drumming of my racing heart.
My entire being recoils from his words as a roiling build of emotions crests within my heart.
He’s caused a realization to spark that I don’t want to comprehend.
It attempts to break through, but I refuse to let it surface.
With all my strength, I viciously throw it away and lash back at Valen to ease my discomfort. “And yet he betrayed me again!”
“And I was prepared this time.” His head tilts. “Do you think I didn’t know of the trap at the estate? I tried to convince him out of it and when that failed, I stationed myself by your magician. I held the Archweaver back so you two could escape. I had the chalk ready to get us out of the forest.”
“All so I’d, what? Feel like forgiving you?” I scoff and grasp at loose threads of theories to bury his painful words. “It’s always an exchange and never a selfless desire to help me.”
“For fuck’s sake, Astoria, I tried to get you to RUN!”
I flinch, hand clutching the edge of the table. Valen heaves a few heavy breaths before he combs his loose hair back. His voice is quieter, softer after his yell. “I told you before. I hoped you’d see my message and go, but you didn’t. You chose to stay.”
“Chose? I can’t run! There’s nowhere for me to go. The Order will hunt me.”
“No, you chose to believe that. Even now! You could break the curse and free yourself of them forever. Then you could disappear and start again, but this time quietly and not by making yourself a notorious, black-market book dealer.” He huffs a cruel laugh.
“Your magician would be glad to go with you. He probably already has a whole tunnel of escape routes prepared for this moment. But no. You cling to this vengeance instead of saving yourself.”
My voice pitches high, rage and panic taking over. “Don’t belittle what I’ve done! Don’t you dare,” I scream. “They deserve to suffer!”
“No, your father deserves to suffer. Alasdair was an idiot who loved to have fun and run wild. What did he ever do to you other than be a pawn?”
My eyes glow. “A pawn is still a part of the game. A queen will crush it to get to the king.”
Valen scans me slowly, his face shifting in a careful, cold mask. Slowly, he strolls across the kitchen and my pulse kicks up. I swallow and my head tilts back to maintain eye contact. His voice is a dangerous drawl, and it shivers over my skin. “And what am I?”
Heat blooms within me. My eyes dart from his eyes to his lips and back.
He growls, “Tell me, do you know why my father betrayed you last night?”
I shift. “Because he’s an asshole?”
“Because he tested you that night he returned. He wished to see how deep your madness for vengeance goes. It convinced him that you’d rather kill me than reverse the hell you’ve unleashed on the Order.”
I gasp, my eyes widening. “N—”
“No?” His head tilts. “You didn’t hesitate when you learned I was to take over as Heir?” His gaze burns. “Didn’t break a glass in rage at the thought?”
My body goes numb. “That—What—N—” But I can’t form the words. Valen is staring down at me with those icy blue eyes that begin to glow. His aura fills the room and a trembling begins in my arms.
I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to face it. My eyes dart to the doorway, but there’s no way I can escape. I look back at him. My chest pumps with each sharp breath and my face tingles.
Valen’s soft voice shivers over me. “Were you going to kill me, Astoria?” The backs of his fingers slide down my cheek.
“Were you going to feed me to your bloated curse? Let me turn into Alasdair?” Those fingers trail down past my jaw to stroke my pounding pulse.
“Last I saw, he was a rotted nightmare who had nearly no awareness left.” His hand circles my throat and he lowers his lips to mine.
His words whisper over me. “Were you going to let me become that?”
The trembling has spread to the rest of me and burning tears sear my cheeks. My eyes close tightly, but all I can see is Valen, pale white with black eyes. Rotten breath washes over my face and he whimpers, “I’ve missed you…”
I gasp and shove Valen back. Reality returns, but the sick sensation remains. I stumble away from him and wrap my arms around my middle. My voice wavers. “I don’t know what to do, Valen.”
Arms slide around me, hands lacing with mine. He waits and I shiver in his embrace. “I hate him. I fucking hate him. He deserves to suffer. They all deserve to suffer.” My face turns towards Valen and a sob nearly robs me of words. “But I don’t think I could do that to you.”
His arms tighten.
“How do I make them suffer, but get my life back?” My bookshop calls me like a siren. It’s so close yet so far. “How do I get all the things I want? You and Lucas. My bookshop and my revenge. Why do I have to choose?”
His head leans against mine. “I don’t think you have an option with the curse.
You’re too damaged.” He’s rocking me and it feels so good, I melt into it.
“You either finish the curse and pay the soul price, killing yourself in the process, or you release the curse and truly shed yourself of the Order. As for your threads, I know you’re clever enough to find a new way to balance them.
But to do neither will only send more and more weavers for you.
Our fathers won’t stop until they get you.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to protect you then. ”
I shake my head. “Fuck, why is it such a mess? Why isn’t there a fourth option? I just want it all to go away!”
His lips brush against my hair. “You can’t move forward if you’re still half in the past.”
“I can’t forgive my father.”
He shrugs. “Then don’t. You don’t have to forgive anyone, but you can choose to not let it ruin your future.” He kisses me softly and a shiver of pleasure has me leaning into him. “Don’t let the past hold you back, Astoria. You’re more than a toxic obsession.”
I shiver and the great weight I’ve always felt buckles my knees.
I lean heavily into Valen, turning as much as I can into his warm hold.
His strength keeps me upright, his deep affection humming in my chest. Finally, the tears dry and I whisper, “I don’t want my father to have control of me anymore.
” My hands tighten on his. “I’m so tired, Valen. I want to go home.”
He nods.
Pain reverberates in my chest, but I force the words out. “I’ve lost control of my threads and corruption. If I don’t stop, I’ll die.” A tear slides down my face. “And you’re right. They don’t get to destroy me.”
I turn in his hold. My hands smooth over his face.
“I’ll lift the curse. It’ll be difficult since I can’t simply destroy my grimoire without killing myself, but I’ll find a way to unweave it from my soul and magic.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to use it one last time to drain my Entropy until my threads are back in balance.
Then I’ll have some time to find a new solution to balance them without using the corruption to render my soul. ”
His soft smile flutters my heart. “We’ll get it. Together.”
I lean into his chest, my arms tight around him. “Then I’ll finally be free of it. All of it. And I’ll never go back to the Order again.”
He stills. “Never?”
The silence that rings between us is heavy. Something unsaid haunts the space. Something that neither of us wish to speak of.
I whisper, “You’re such a talented healer. There’s so much you could do in the city. So much opportunity.” My arms tighten around him. “You don’t have to go back.”
He doesn’t respond and my heart clenches painfully. He holds me tightly and presses his face into my neck. I breathe in his scent, taking large gulping breaths like I can hold him within me forever. “Consider it. Please.” For us.
The only response I receive is a wordless nod.