Chapter 19
Ford
It took everything in me to prevent my hands from shaking so hard I’d drop Esme as I carried her to the back entrance of the inn and up into our room.
She was silent, and so was I. I didn’t even know what to say to her.
I’d known enough to piece the edges of the story together. She’d been the one to save me, that part had never been hidden. When I’d woken up and Peter told me—in incredibly sterile terms—what happened, I’d immediately asked to see her.
Thankfulness had swelled so intensely, it nearly cracked something in my soul open. Now I knew what it had almost revealed.
I would never verbalize it, but I was pretty sure it was the cold, dispassionate demeanor she’d greeted me with, simply saying, “Oh, good. You’re awake,” that had kept the Bond tucked away.
What I didn’t know was the extent of her state of mind during the whole ordeal. It was more than a dutiful rescue of her partner, though that was worthy of praise on its own. In a horribly primal way, I was almost happy to hear that she’d gone nearly insane.
That made it personal. That made it about me. About us.
My hands tightened on her in response, and Esme turned her head a little further into my neck. She was nearly asleep, body spent from the fleeting adrenaline.
But alive, thankfully alive.
The Bond released a low growl at the thought, though it may have just been my own.
I was glad I’d never seen her injuries. I hoped I never laid eyes on a single medical record or photo either. The level of physical exertion she’d pushed herself to…her heart stopping…
It solidified what I’d already known. Losing her was simply not an option.
I could prevent her death—I’d jump in front of any threat to do so—but that wasn’t enough. I needed her alive physically and in spirit.
I couldn’t do anything to change the past, but I could be damn sure that the future went different. And that started, as promised, with showing her that if given the chance, I would take care of her.
I ran up the back stairs of the inn just fast enough to not draw attention but slow enough to make sure Esme wasn’t getting jostled. A miracle, seeing as I almost tripped over my own damn feet when I looked down to make sure she was okay and saw her eyes fluttering shut.
I wanted to feel her eyelashes on my skin, to feel that soft brush against my neck or my chest or—
There was no time for lewd thoughts, especially as I maneuvered the door to our room, shutting us out from the world. Moving to the bed, I bent to set Esme down.
Gravity tripped over itself, my hands releasing from her body several seconds before she actually started to descend onto the mattress. She’d held on of her own accord, and I had to forcefully push away the realization before I ended up on top of her on the bed.
“Stay here for just a second, alright, sweetheart?”
Esme nodded, tucking her hands underneath her thighs. Alright, I had about five seconds to get my shit together before she talked herself out of this.
Moving on autopilot, I headed into the bathroom and kicked on the faucet to the large metal tub, taking a guess on the temperature—somewhere in between pleasantly warm and a numbing heat—and dumping in a handful of bath salts that were lying next to the tub.
“How you doing in there?” I called to Esme, needing a few extra seconds to light some candles with the lighter I kept tucked in my pocket. She liked soft light and the overhead one was too bright.
“Should I be getting undressed?”
God almighty. Shit. Fuck. Be normal and do not smack your face on the bathroom counter.
“Robe is in the closet.” Alright, that was a passably calm tone.
By the time I was done fiddling with the placement of a candle on the edge of the windowsill, I felt Esme’s presence in the door frame.
The two breaths I took to gather my sanity were of little use once I turned to her.
The candlelight made her glow like an angel.
Her eyes burned a rich copper, sparking under the shadow of her eyelashes.
Each curve and dip of her face was highlighted as if a master of art had chosen where to place each individual beam of light.
Her hair, full of strands that had brushed over me several times while we were sleeping and had been the source of several untoward thoughts, was pulled around one shoulder and hanging down to her waist. It fell over the curve of her breast, catching a shine that made the soft brown color appear nearly silver.
I dipped down to run my fingers through the water, needing to do anything else than imagine what her little intake of breath would sound like if I pulled open the tie of her robe. “Water’s good.”
Esme looked at me for a heavy beat, and if it wasn’t for the low light playing tricks on my mind, I could have sworn the color of her cheeks deepened. She took a step forward, hand going to the tie at her waist, before stopping.
I turned around silently, suddenly feeling all too sorry for myself that we weren’t at a place where she felt comfortable undressing in front of me. I didn’t even know what she looked like without clothes on.
Though there was certainly a baser reason I wanted to see that, one that had me curling my hands into my side, I was mostly angry that it was something about her I didn’t know.
The sound of Esme’s soft exhale as she stepped into the bath knocked me out of my stupor. Now was not the time for anger. I could sort my thoughts with a punishing ride with Shadow or a lengthy talk with one of the doctors back on the base.
Take. Care. Of. Her, the Bond snapped at me when I was too slow to move.
I am, I hissed back, before mentally ushering it into the back of my mind.
When I turned, Esme had settled into the water and had her knees tucked up to her chest, the tops of them just peaking out from the bubbles. I settled down next to her on my haunches, bringing us nearly eye level.
She’d tied her hair up, exposing her delicately arched ears, decorated with thin gold rings, each with a different, nearly invisible, precious stone in the center.
Purple, red, white, pink on the side closest to me, leaving room for the larger hoop she liked to wear closest to her face. Blue, light green, two white, then a darker green on the other side.
I reached forward to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, brushing the top ring with my thumb.
My heart seized in my chest when I felt her neck twitch, feeling more terrified than I had in as long as I could remember, probably all the way back to the first time I saw her. I expected her to pull away, to abandon this whole idea and slip through my fingers.
Maybe that’s what her instinct was, but after a moment, that little twitch settled and I realized it wasn’t a twitch at all, it was her pushing into my touch.
I prayed to every deity who would listen for control.
I pushed further, tangling my fingers into the hair pulled up at the base of her neck and kneading softly, pressing against tension-filled muscles.
A shaky exhale left her as she rocked against my touch, her head turning into my wrist before resetting herself to face forward.
“It’s okay,” I coaxed softly. “I won’t hold it against you. I promise.”
That was the first time I’d lied to her. This would become my most treasured memory, holding it close until the end of my days.
I could tell she wanted to, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. I knew why, why she was resisting it. There was a world of shame tied up with her desires, of a secret she was forced to keep because of my blindness. All I could do was give her a safe space to test the waters.
Luckily, that was what did it.
Esme’s face fell, all the energy she used to hold her expression just so fleeing her body. Even though I’d seen every expression she could make, it still felt like seeing her for the first time. The way her eyes softened with vulnerability, the little opening between her lips when her jaw loosened.
God, she was fucking beautiful.
With a heavy sigh, she gave into her instincts, and turned her head into my arm, nuzzling her forehead across the skin on the inside of my wrist. My hand tightened in its hold on her hair, the only sign of the war my body was waging on me.
My entire body was tense and hard and I forced myself to remain a still, silent being she could use however she wanted.
My forearm seemed to mold perfectly to the curve of her nose and up to her brow.
Of course it does, the Bond remarked with a scoff.
I made myself stay still as Esme rolled her forehead against my skin in small, snuggling movements, like she was trying to burrow her way into my skin. After a few moments, she dragged her nose up, notching the tip over my forearm and taking a deep breath.
Of my scent, I assumed. I had a habit of doing it to her when she wasn’t paying attention.
She’d clearly denied herself for too long. As was frustratingly common over the past weeks, I was becoming painfully aware of what she must have suffered in those first years. Sure, the Bond was coming back with a vengeance, but the absolute need must be the same.
While this was meant to calm her, I could tell it was only making her more agitated.
Esme’s movements started to become more panicked, more consuming as she continued nuzzling against me. She was seconds away from losing her control.
She would hate herself for it, and I simply couldn’t allow that.
“The water isn’t warm anymore,” I said, my voice far too hoarse to deny any sort of reaction to her affection on my end. It was, enough that there was still steam rising from the bath, but I wasn’t coherent enough to come up with a better excuse.
Esme stilled, raking in a deep breath against my skin. Her eyes stayed closed as she breathed and breathed and breathed until I felt her lips part against my wrist. “What’s next?”
“What?” My brain felt like it was pushing through mud to form a thought.
I felt Esme’s swallow against my arm. “In taking care of me? What’s next?”