Chapter 20 #4
Most of all, it made me want to suction myself to Ford and see if it would be possible to climb inside his skin.
“You looked so young and you were smiling at me and I was terrified that we were tied together forever. That something would happen to you and I couldn’t help my sister anymore—that was my entire purpose back then. That something would happen to me and you’d follow me like everyone warned.”
The connection between us went taut at the mention of either of us being harmed and it took several collection breaths for either of us to come back down to earth. At one point, I was pretty sure Ford kissed me again, just a light brush of lips, but the fog of terror was too thick to know for sure.
When it cleared, Ford continued, this time his voice a little hoarser. “Did the Bond feel new to you at the beginning?”
I had to think back, nearly a decade ago. “Yes. It did. I thought I was going crazy for a while, with some faceless entity talking in my head and threatening to take over my body.”
Ford smiled, that same slightly crooked smile that had always made my chest clench a little.
With the Bond back, it was more forceful, edged with its rage at what cause the slant.
“The voice in my head is new. The rest of it doesn’t feel that new, though.
It was probably there all along, but too quiet for me to hear it. I really, really wish I had.”
“No, no, no,” I sputtered out, brushing my hands down Ford’s chest. “It’s—”
“It’s not okay,” Ford interrupted. “I can acknowledge that it’s not okay. I would have gone ballistic if I was in your shoes. Especially that young, I probably would have not been delicate about it either.”
How I was laughing so much in a conversation like this, especially with everything else weighing down on us, I didn’t know.
“All I can ask is that you tell me now, if anything comes up,” Ford said. “I can’t go back and pull my head out of my ass, but I can make damn sure I’m seeing things clearly now.”
That was the truth of it. I needed to let go of the anger of the past. Eight years was a long time to let go of, but…
“I want to stop being angry. At you, at our situation. At myself, for being so obsessed with you and feeling so much shame about it.”
A sound, somewhere between a laugh and a groan, rumbled out of Ford’s chest. “I can get behind all of that, except for the obsession part. That doesn’t seem too bad.”
“That version of it was. I was doing some pretty insane things.”
“Like what?” Ford asked, his eyes lighting with a smile.
“Well…” I fiddled with a loose thread on the collar of Ford’s shirt. “For one, there was never a problem with my pillows.”
Ford’s eyes widened to an almost comical degree. “You sneaky little…”
For years, I’d complained that my pillows were too soft and no one listened to me about getting new ones, enough that Ford would eventually throw one at my head just to get me to shut up.
“They smelled like you!” I could practically see the Bond giving me a standing ovation, hooting and hollering to its heart’s content, proud that I was admitting to this. I was a little proud of myself, too. “It was the only way I could—”
Whatever else I was going to say was lost in a mumble against Ford’s chest. He crushed me too him, one hand on the back of my head and the other on the center of my back.
A HUG!!!!! The Bond screamed, lighting up like a firework.
It certainly felt like tiny fireworks were going off in my bloodstream, turning me into one big glob of energy. The trickle of Ford’s scent that had worked its way up my nose in the bath last night hadn’t quite left—just dangled there, strong enough to tempt me but not enough for me to grasp.
Against the warmth of his neck, it hit me like a gut punch. My knees buckled and all I could do was throw my arms around him and hug him back.
“You can have whatever you want from now on.” Ford dropped the words onto the top of my head, ruffling my hair. I felt my stomach swoop, like that moment right as Sky took off on a jump.
The Bond giggled like a schoolgirl.
I knew what all of this added up to, logically. The physical and emotional symptoms of total insanity, something close to the obsession I’d once felt but more sincere.
I could deal with what that meant later. I couldn’t deal with it until I could give Ford the answer he was looking for.
It required an immense deal of self-restraint not to jump on him this very moment, especially as Ford’s hands pulled me a little closer. As my chin tilted up so that my lips were against the warm skin of his neck.
This time, when Ford pulled away, I let the sound of frustration out.
“The first thing I thought when I met you was she’s going to be the death of me,” Ford said, voice grumbly and sending goosebumps shooting down my arms. “I see that was accurate.”
Anticipation started to coil in my belly, knowing now that things would progress between us, rather than reducing those moments to some far off fantasy in my mind.
If it wasn’t for Sky and Shadow interrupting us, trotting up to us with urgency, I might have tried to make one of those fantasies a reality.