Chapter 22
Esme
“Wait, so let me get this straight,” Freya said, narrowing her eyes at me. “You’re telling me that nothing happened between you two? It definitely seems like something.”
I didn’t want to lie, and had success with honesty in the past few days, so I tried it with Freya.
“When I said nothing happened, I meant with the person who found us. Ford and I…um, well, we kissed. For a second.” Read: several seconds, maybe even a handful of minutes.
My memories were too hazy to know. “As an excuse. At first. Then we had a nice talk. I think…I think he wants to actually try this. Me. Us.”
Well, that was horribly inarticulate. That was how I felt half the time around Ford, especially over the past day. A big, globby jumble of half thoughts.
If it was making me stupid—my inability to explain what happened to Freya notwithstanding—I would have run screaming in the opposite direction. It was more like…a warm calm. Like honey settling at the bottom of your tea.
“And what about you?” Freya asked, her hackles raising ever so slightly. I understood why. She’d been the one to see the majority of my breakdowns where this topic was concerned, the last time we were on Vir included.
This time, the answer came easily. “I do. I’ve tried the path of not having him, and we saw how that worked. Why not try this one?”
“And if it ends badly?”
“If there is pain to come, it’s nothing I haven’t experienced before.”
You’re lying again, the Bond said, quite unhappily.
The look on Freya’s face said the same.
The truth was, what I’d felt for Ford in those early years was all out infatuation and obsession. With the Bond gone, it had been hurt, resentment, and forced indifference.
To have a lasting relationship as paranimas, to have what Bellamy and Soren and every pair before them had…that was love.
And love could bring with it an entirely new world of pain. I still hadn’t lied when I’d answered Freya initially. With all at risk, I still didn’t feel scared off from this path.
“Well, I’m happy for you. Truly,” Freya said, stepping towards me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
From any onlooker, it might appear to be an intensely awkward exchange.
I flinched slightly, expecting that jolt of pain when someone other than Ford touched me, the Bond’s way of punishing me.
Freya patted my shoulders in a stuttered pattern before pulling her hands away.
When I realized that I hadn’t been hurt, that the Bond uttered no more than a low, passing annoyance that Ford was not the one showing me affection, I burst out a quick, “I’m going to hug you now,” and wrapped Freya in a tight embrace.
Her entire body turned to stone, so much so that I thought I was hurting her, much in the same way that I’d expected to be hurt. After a moment, she relaxed and gave me another round of those stuttering pats on the middle of my back.
I pulled back and said, “I’m very thankful for you, you know. I don’t know if I’ve told you that enough.”
Freya’s blinks rapidly increased and it looked like she was fighting back tears. “Me too. I…uh, I consider you a sister. More so than—just, I’m thankful that you came. It was no fun around here before you did.”
I nodded, even as emotion clogged my own throat at the thought of Freya’s experience. Both for how ours were similar and for how I knew hers to be different. At least during the trials of early teenage-hood, I’d been at a school. With students far older than me, but students nonetheless.
Freya was surrounded with soldiers who treated her like nothing more than a weapon.
Suddenly, I wanted to ask her for more details. Take this moment of openness and press her on the broad strokes of the story I’d pieced together through the years, half from Peter’s own retelling.
I had no time to, because the subject of our initial conversation was walking out of the inn and breaking apart our moment alone.
Ford squinted into the sun, reaching a hand up to block the light.
The warmth in his tan skin nearly glittered in the sun.
My eyes took a careful path up his arm, finding no small amount of satisfaction in the way his forearm was scored with strong veins and the sloping hill of his bicep.
Just that one look at him and I felt like my legs were already feeling a bit weak.
Then his hand dropped and he smiled at me, a full-bodied smile, and I felt my entire body release into a syrupy warmth.
Oh, dear.
Someone needed to remind my heart that we were still in a very stressful environment and it should save its energy for when I needed to sprint away from a threat. Not try and slam its way out of my chest and into Ford’s waiting hands.
We were trying to figure this out slowly and carefully and long-repressed feelings were tumbling back, making me feel a little loopy.
It was really Ford’s fault. He’d laid a foundation of being considerate and kind—even if it was behind the wall we’d erected between us.
Enough so that when that wall came down, it was all too easy to tip over into infatuation.
Everything just felt so natural, this morning passing in a lazy haze of comfort.
Soren had sent off a note to Caspian late the night before, requesting a tour of a temple and a meeting with a priest. A reply was back in seconds, instructing us to Salona’s main temple in the afternoon.
With that, everyone snatched up that little window of time, feeling a bit like we were on vacation.
Freya had gone off on another long ride, even though Starlight had been less restless than usual.
Ford and I had come downstairs for an extended breakfast just the two of us that felt a little too much like a date. That was after I spent several minutes poking fun at him because we’d woken up with the pillow that had rested between our heads gripped in his hands and nearly torn in half.
I told you, the Bond is a fan of pillow massacres, I’d said.
Wipe that smile of your face or I’ll give you something to smile about, Ford shot back, making me blush so furiously I had to wash my face with ice cold water until I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore.
Our breakfast had fallen into a pleasant silence, both of us reading, until Bellamy and Soren had come downstairs looking a little cozier than normal and several hours late.
Ford had made no less than five underhanded comments until I had to step in from genuine fear that Soren was going to punch him.
The rest had done a number on everyone’s good moods, enough that the anxiety that had plagued everyone yesterday had eased. My mind felt sharper, which was good seeing as some of the most cunning, silver-tongued people in the world were religious leaders.
I’m sure the priest Caspian hand-picked to introduce us to was no exception.
The walk to the temple was quick, and even in a few short days, the town was starting to become familiar to me.
I’d never say it out loud, but I loved Muli.
I hadn’t seen the best parts of Vir—had never been allowed to—but there was much on Muli I didn’t want to give up.
The mere thought of leaving Sky made me feel like I was going to throw up.
I’d been the one to propose the smuggling operation, years ago, in a not-so-subtle attempt at tying myself to Muli in the long run.
Or really, it had been kind of a joint effort between me and Ford.
We’d been chatting one day, one of those rare moments where we’d actually been talking to each other, when the idea struck.
I really, really wanted these negotiations to work. I was a little suspicious of hope, especially knowing how painful the fall to disappointment could be, but I couldn’t help it. This could work. The planets could have a good relationship.
And maybe, there would be a way for me to stay on Muli, or travel back and forth at the very least.
Ford seemed to sense that I was thinking about something because he was hovering close to me as we approached the temple.
No, he just likes to be close to you. Don’t be annoying, the Bond snapped.
Well, alright. I felt like a child that had just been put in time out.
“Ah, my friends!” Caspian’s entrance shocked me into focus, looking up to see him sauntering down the temple’s steps. Elijah followed close behind, arms crossed and looking over us with hard, observing eyes. “How are you this morning?”
“Good, thank you,” Bellamy said.
Caspian turned his megawatt, princely smile to her. “Oh, that’s good to hear. However, I was speaking to my dear serpenia. I have not seen you since our last conversation. I do hope that did not uncover some painful memories.”
He was very lucky everyone already knew, and doubly lucky that I was well-trained enough to temper any reaction.
“Thank you for asking, your grace,” I said, smiling brightly at Caspian.
“As you know, that was not a particularly fun series of events. Speaking of them will always cause some pain.” I stepped closer to Ford, and his hand reached up under the fall of my hair to rest on the base of my neck.
“But my paranima is safe now. That’s all that matters. ”
Thank you, the Bond said, drawn out and full of sarcasm.
It was right, though. I needed to forgive myself. Not forget the harm I’d caused, but to ease up on the shame.
“Well, isn’t that sweet,” Caspian said, showing a hint of venom behind the smile.
He was still young, that much was clear.
It was very much the demeanor of a youngest child.
Fully capable of intelligence, having learned from their older siblings early, but choosing to needle and press on sore spots simply for the love of the game.
Caspian clapped his hands together, practically bouncing on his heels. “Anyhow! Follow me. I’m very excited to introduce you to Brother Stevenson.” We followed Caspian up the small set of stairs leading into the temple, a soft pink-ish marble cut through with streaks of white.