Chapter 24 #4
I forced myself not to squirm as he examined me, letting him sweep his eyes up and down my bare body, over my flushed face and swollen lips. Over eyes that were probably too clear to hide how I really felt.
After a moment, Ford’s eyes turned pensive, the green in them taking on a hue that reminded me of the leaves that lived near the bottom of trees.
His mouth started to turn down, the right bending further than the left.
“What is it?” I whispered, unable to ignore the change I saw in his expression, but still scared to say anything that would burst this happy little bubble we lived in.
Ford shook his head slightly, in perfect sync with a sweep of his thumb over my skin. “I keep thinking about you,” he said, his words drawing a smile to my lips.
“I think that’s a good thing,” I teased, cheeks pumping with a renewed warmth under his attentions.
He flicked my lower lip in soft chastisement.
“Just that it feels like I’ve been waiting a long time for you.
” Ford swallowed thickly, as if trying to clear away a tightness in his throat.
“And every time I think about what you must have been going through, while I stood there with my head so far up my ass, I just—”
Ford cut off so abruptly, it took me a second to realized he’d even stopped.
“Hey,” I said, my voice turning soft. I’d held my anger over him, both internally and externally, for so long.
It might have been the post-intimacy glow, but I didn’t want anger to be any part of this any longer.
For him or for me. “Everything turned out alright. I’d say we were quite alright just a second ago. ”
I wasn’t planning on addressing it outright, how shattering that experience had felt.
How singular, like we were the first people on earth to ever figure out that bodies moved together that way and could feel so good.
It just slipped out, the little bubbles of pleasure still sparking my chest keeping me on the right side of giddy.
“That’s the thing,” Ford said, pressing his fingertips into the back of my head.
“I’m pretty sure that was the best single experience of my entire life.
Even with all the bullshit, the past few days have seemed so much lighter.
I really hate it took this long. Fuck, Esme, I’ve known you for nearly a decade. ”
I rolled a little closer towards him, my shoulder curling in to shadow our faces and cocoon us together. “As much as I wanted you at the beginning”—the subtle raise of Ford’s eyebrow caused me to clarify—“and still do, I don’t think it would have worked if we jumped into it then.”
Ford scoffed, but this was an important thing for me to clarify. Maybe correct some things I’d assumed at the beginning.
“You said you’ve been waiting a long time.
You’ve said that twice now. I thought you barely tolerated me.
Maybe cared for me from proximity but…the other stuff.
” That wasn’t the most eloquent way to finish that sentence, but my words started to feel too far away when I started addressing the deeper feelings here.
Attraction and companionship felt safe. The aforementioned other stuff, not so much.
Ford nudged his nose against mine, then said softly, “It’s hard to be around you that much and not develop…well, fuck, develop a bit of a crush.”
Surely the expression on my face captured how insane I thought he was in this moment. Ford. A crush. On me.
Ford laughed lightly, tilting his head back as he did it.
I had the sudden urge to lick his throat.
Clearly, releasing all that pent up desire hadn’t done anything for my sanity.
“You do realize that you’re beautiful, right?
Funny. Kind. Smart. Considerate. I’ve been right there next to you, seeing it all. ”
“I…I had no idea.”
Ford opened his mouth like he was going to say something, then corrected. “It’s clear we were both good at hiding how we were really feeling.”
It was a testament to how much had changed that I was able to laugh at that.
“Now that I know,” he continued, “I think that medication affected me too. Like it was putting a cap on feelings or thoughts that should have broken through, not ever letting them get past a passing observation. I think that’s why I was being grumpy and rude and distant.
I knew that I shouldn’t have felt any ounce of indifference towards you.
You are far too precious to have anyone near you who doesn’t recognize that. ”
Ford leaned close, as if he had a secret to share, just for the two of us. “Now, I’m seeing very, very clearly.”
I felt a tear slip out of the corner of my eye.
I didn’t feel ashamed of the swell of emotion, but I didn’t want Ford to think it was caused by anything other than happiness.
Maybe a touch of anguish for my younger self who believed she’d done something to deserve his rejection. But good, mostly good.
“In fact,” Ford said, running one finger down the slope of my nose, “I’m bursting with ideas.”
My answering smile was all the encouragement he needed.