20 i have a plan
I feel like I’m clinging to the beta illusion by the skin of my teeth. We’re a few weeks into the semester, and it’s taking all my energy and commitment to keep from being caught out, especially in the locker room.
And this is only for off-season practice. Fuck knows what’s going to happen when the season actually starts.
It’s Saturday night though, which means a blessed reprieve from pretending to be what everyone else thinks I should be.
Most of my “friends”—they’re really just teammates, I’m pretty sure none of them particularly like me—are going to what passes for a nightclub in Last Ditch. And I am not because that sounds awful.
If I’m really honest with myself, I wish I could spend the night talking to Gray. But Atlas asked me to meet him for a drink, and I don’t want to completely ignore him when he came all the way up here to check on me.
And stayed. Which he insists is for my benefit, but I know there’s more to the story there.
It’s fine. We all have secrets.
He’ll tell me the truth about how he got kicked out of the Army when he’s ready. And I’ll tell him the truth about Gray…
Never. Because there’s nothing to tell.
I inwardly wince, because I’m not sure I even believe my own bullshit anymore. It doesn’t matter. I shove all that to the back of my brain as I walk into the little bar I’m meeting Atlas at.
It’s a small place, more for locals than college students and sitting on the outskirts of town. Which is fine by me because I don’t want to run into anyone I know. I spot Atlas, who already sat himself at a booth in the corner behind a worn-out pool table.
If I know my brother, one of the first things he did when he got to Last Ditch was make a survey of all the bars that won’t card him.
Although with all those fucking muscles, I’m guessing he gets away with lying about his age more easily than he used to.
Not that it’s ever been as hard as it should be.
My brother has always had a level of charm that makes a lot of things that should be obstacles not seem to apply to him.
After a quick beeline to the bar to get myself a beer, I take my seat. He’s been staring at his phone, frantically typing, apart from when he greeted me, so I wait for him to finish.
“Sorry,” he finally says, putting the phone screen-down on the table. “But I have a surprise for you.”
I’m not convinced I’m going to like whatever he has planned, and I let my face tell him so.
“No, it’s cool! Not medical abuse, I swear.”
He kind of laughs, but when I don’t crack a smile—honestly, it takes me a minute to figure out the joke—his face falls.
“Too soon? Got it. Aaaaaanyway.”
Atlas takes a swig from his mostly empty beer and looks at me again.
“How would you like to fall in love?”
He says the words just as I’m taking a drink, so I do a literal spit take, like we’re in an SNL sketch or something, and spray watered-down beer all over the table.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Okay, that was more of a reaction than I expected.”
His tone is teasing and his mouth is half-lifted into a smile, and he looks so genuine I almost return it. But Atlas has always been a glass-half-full kind of person. It’s why we balance each other.
“I’m serious, though. I met a girl today at fire academy, and I think she’s perfect for you. Tough, but not too serious. Seems kind, but doesn’t take shit. Alpha, obviously.”
I wince when he says it. I can’t decide if he means I automatically need to date an alpha because I’m an omega, or because I specifically as a person am somehow weak and in need of a firm hand, but either way, I hate the implication.
“She’s really nice. I tested the waters and she would be down for a blind date. Can I give her your number. Pleeeease? I worry about you, bro.”
I roll my eyes as I sip my drink, getting ready to tell him absolutely fucking not, when I realize something he said was weird.
“Wait, what the fuck do you mean ‘fire academy’? What’s fire academy?”
It’s a weird name for a club, and I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything like that in town.
“Oh!”
His eyes widen, telling me he accidentally left out an important part of the story. I love my brother, but forgetful doesn’t even begin to describe him. I’m a little surprised the Army has managed to not let him wander off into a minefield after all this time.
He chugs the last of his glass while waving a hand at me in a no big deal gesture, then gets distracted looking for a server, eventually making eye contact with someone and pointing at his empty glass politely, then holding up two fingers, waiting for her to see him and nod.
“Atlas, focus! What is fire academy?” I reach out and grab his face, turning him to actually look at me.
“I’m gonna be a firefighter. I told you I’ve been looking for a job? I found one! I managed to sneak in an application at the tail end of a recruitment cycle for the Last Ditch FD, and they gave me a spot. I passed their aptitude tests and interview and all that,
and now I’m in the fucking fire academy. Pretty cool, right? I never thought about it before, but once I saw the posting I realized it was kind of perfect.”
He shrugs, and it takes all my self-control not to gape at him with my mouth open.
Fucking Atlas. No matter what, he always lands on his feet. I can never tell if it’s a real skill thing or if he’s just hoarding all the luck that was allocated to our family.
“Congratulations?” I say, still shell-shocked.
“Thanks.”
The smile he gives me is genuine, and so sunny, I find it hard not to smile back.
“Plus, I figure this is a ‘respectable’ enough career that Dad won’t completely lose it when he finds out the Army not-so-politely asked me to leave. If I ever tell him,” he adds with a shrug.
He’s not wrong.
“Are you ever going to tell me why the Army asked you to leave?”
He shakes his head, immediately taking a swig of the fresh beer the server puts on the table, before picking up the other one on her tray and passing it over to me, even though I haven’t finished my first one.
“We’re talking about you and Isabelle right now, remember?”
“Actually, we’re talking about you, as per usual, and the fact that you joined the fucking Fire Department without telling me.”
His snaps his fingers and points at me, like I genuinely just jogged his memory.
I would think he was drunk if I didn’t know him so well. This is just how he is.
“Yes! Sorry,” he continues. “Um… well there’s not that much else to tell. I didn’t want to tell you at first, because I didn’t think I was going to get in. And then I did,
but it was so close to the end of the recruitment cycle that I had to get my shit together and get ready for the academy right away. Yesterday was like, an orientation day. We start classes for real on Monday. Cool, right?”
I can’t help but smile, even as I shake my head at his chaotic enthusiasm.
“Yeah, Atlas. That’s cool. Good job. I think it really is a good idea for you. Running around saving lives and pulling kittens out of trees.”
He tips an imaginary cap at me then continues talking.
“The whole thing takes six months, and then you’re on probation for a year before you can transfer anywhere. So, I’m gonna be in Last Ditch long after you graduate. You know,
in case you need an incentive to stay here and keep your poor brother company instead of immediately moving back in with Dad like I know you’re going to. Even though it’s a terrible fucking idea and you shouldn’t do it.”
I wince, because I have been avoiding thinking about it.
Moving home was always the plan. Dad expects it. And without me, he really is alone. Karl and Jax are so caught up in their own lives, Dad could have a heart attack and they wouldn’t notice for a week. It’s always been my job to just… be there for him.
After everything that’s happened, the idea holds less and less appeal. I like it here. Especially now that Atlas is around. And I like the healthy amount of distance between me and Dad.
But the thought of never seeing Gray again also makes something anxious clench inside me.
Ashfall is his home. If I’m not living with Dad, I have no excuse to see him. And after spending so much time talking to him the past few weeks, I hate the idea of never having a reason to bump into him accidentally on purpose again.
I have a sudden urge to spill my guts to Atlas about all of it but manage to hold my tongue.
“Well, congratulations,” I say, raising my glass to cheers him. “And you’re right. Dad’s going to be so stoked to tell people about the firefighter thing he’ll probably overlook the Army if you can come up with some plausible, non-humiliating excuse for leaving.”
“Exactly.”
We sit in silence for a minute, both of us sipping our beers and staring into space.
“So, can I give Isabelle your number? I promise you’ll like her. She’s gorgeous, but also really sweet.”
My gut churns as a sour taste hits my mouth, a little jolt of adrenaline hitting me that I can’t really explain.
“If she’s so great, why don’t you date her? Or is this because I’m an omega, so obviously I have to date an alpha or the fucking universe will collapse in on itself? Freaks belong together, right?”
There’s venom in my tone, although I keep my voice quiet, so I’m not overheard. I don’t want to advertise my designation to anyone, let alone a bar full of strangers. It would be a waste of good blockers.
Atlas knows me though, as well as I know him, and he’s entirely unbothered by my hissing.
“No, you chucklefuck. It’s your winning fucking personality.”
He raises an eyebrow at me like an admonition, and I keep quiet.
When Atlas continues talking, his voice is quiet, matching mine.
“You’ve always been… a little tender. Don’t get pissy with me Tanner, you’re the only one here who thinks that’s an insult. But you are! I like the idea of you with someone who’s protective. And if you’d pull your head out of your ass I think you’d see the same thing.
It’s not a weakness to choose a partner who complements you. And there’s more than one way to be a worthwhile person, no matter what Dad and his friends think.”