28 present and accounted for #2
“The next thing we have to discuss is more sensitive, regarding your heat. Would you like your mate to step out of the room or stay?” she asks.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say he’s not my mate, but I don’t say it. Instead, I only nod.
“He can stay.”
Gray is watching me through all of this, his face a mask of neutrality.
“Alright then,” she says, looking down at her screen as if to check something.
What follows is a string of complex medical speak, interspersed with explanations. And although I am considered a relatively educated guy, it’s becoming more and more obvious that I don’t know dick about hormones and presentation and any of the rest of it. Especially when it comes to omegas.
The upshot seems to be that I’m fucked. All the drugs and the interrupted half-heat have fried my fucking system.
I’m probably going to need to take meds for the rest of my life, to keep my hormones at the right levels.
The chances of me being fertile—still a concept that terrifies me—are slim to none.
I’m going to be discharged from the ICU soon, because I’m no longer in immediate danger, but I need to follow up with an endocrinologist, and possibly more specialists down the line.
It’s a lot to take in. Gray’s face seems to darken with every word she says.
“I understand you’re probably overwhelmed right now, and I want to make it clear—this isn’t some sort of terrible, life-ruining situation. It’s all manageable. And while your chances of having a pup are low, it’s not impossible, at this point. As long as you take it seriously,
this is a very manageable situation. But no more suppressants. Got it? From now on, you only take drugs prescribed by an appropriate specialist who knows how to treat omegas.”
I snort, because there’s no way in hell I’ll go back to that quack. I’d love to never take a damn pill again as long as I live, but I guess I will if it’s necessary, like she says.
“Don’t worry. I’m not interested in going rogue. I just want to feel normal,” I tell her.
She nods. “That’s understandable.”
“And lean on your alpha, when you need it. Scenting is important, on a bio-chemical level. Especially when there’s a strong scent bond. You’ll be okay.”
We go through the motions of thanking her and wrapping up the conversation. She’ll send someone in to check my bloodwork and vitals one more time, and if everything looks good, I’ll be discharged. Before I know what hit me, she’s stepped out of the room, and I’m alone with Gray again.
The silence between us is heavy.
Gray, of course, is the one who breaks it.
“Try not to worry too much, Tanner,” he says, his hands folded between his knees as he looks at me. “I know it’s a lot to take in, but it sounds very manageable. I’m sure things will feel normal sooner rather than later.”
I nod, even though I’m not sure I believe him. I want to reach for his hand again, but it doesn’t feel like something I should do. Coldness sinks into my bones, and I sound like a robot when I finally respond to him.
“Why are you really here, Gray?”
His eyebrows climb upwards, but other than that, he stays still. It’s a long time before he speaks.
“What do you mean?”
“This is—” I trail off, turning to look out of the window while I gather some semblance of a whole sentence.
“This is stupid. You shouldn’t be here. You don’t want this in your life. All this fucking mess. My dad. Now this. I know you think you’re old but you’re really not. You have time to have a whole life. Find a mate, have pups?—”
“I don’t want that,” Gray interrupts me, his voice quiet but steady.
“I know you’ve got a lot on your mind, and Frank has really fucked up your sense of self-worth, but don’t tell me what I want. I’ve been pretty up front with you, Tanner. I’ve never lied. And I’m not interested in you because I think you’re going to fit into some kind of slot in my life.”
He pauses, and we stare at each other for a minute, so much unsaid still between us.
“I love you, Tanner. I want you. Not some ‘perfect’ omega, not someone who’s going to give me a family or tick a box. You. If you don’t want me, that’s okay. But don’t pull this ‘I’m-too-broken’ bullshit, because I know you’re better than that.”
I don’t say anything. The parking lot of the hospital becomes intensely interesting as I stare out the window, trying to figure out what I really want.
As if I don’t already know.
“You know I never actually wanted to have pups?”
I tell him, still staring out the window.
“I assumed it was something that would happen. It’s supposed to, y’know? An important milestone. But it wasn’t actually something I wanted, when I thought about it. It never really occurred to me that you could just… not do things. Even if everyone else thinks it’s normal.
I assumed it was something wrong with me, and I’d grow out of it eventually.”
Gray sighs a little, then stands up from his armchair and walks over to the bed. We’re both wordless as he sits next to me, and with a little awkward maneuvering, we both fit on the bed, with my head propped up on his broad chest and his arm wrapped around my shoulders.
“I think our lives can be whatever we want them to be,” Gray says, kissing the top of my head before he continues.
“The only thing I want you to promise is that if you choose me, it’s because you actually want me. Not because I’m the one who happens to be here in front of you in this moment. I’ll always be here for you, whatever that looks like. But if you want to be with me, I need you to mean it.”
I think about it, then lean back so I can look him in the eye.
“My body chose you before I even knew who you were, I think. And the rest of me chose you right after. It just took me a long time to be honest with myself.”
Gray leans down to kiss me on the lips this time. Just gently.
I don’t think there’s any version of this story where I wouldn’t choose him, in the end.