31. Malcolm
Malcolm
H e declined the booking. What’s going on? The short messages, almost standoffish, and now he’s ignoring me. Something isn’t right.
Me: Hey, I know we have dinner plans, but can we meet here first? There’s something I need to tell you.
He replies immediately.
Jefferson: I need to talk to you about something too. So spill our guts then go stuff them?
Me: LOL. Sounds like a plan.
Jefferson: I can come over now. I’m just signing paperwork and well, we still need to discuss plans. winking emoji
Me: See you when you get here.
Needing to clean up before Jefferson gets here, I run and take a shower.
My nerves are overloaded knowing that I’m about to bare my soul to Jefferson about Bradley.
What we did. How he helped me. But mostly the feelings I have for him.
How I’d like to continue to see him and develop that relationship as well as rekindle mine and his.
“You’re just going to be upfront.” I tell myself out loud, turning on the water as I strip out of my clothes, dropping them to the floor.
The water hits my back like a thousand tiny drumbeats. Steam coils around my face, fogging the glass, muting the world. But not muting my thoughts.
I have to tell him. I have to. He’s coming and I’m not going to chicken out.
The sounds of the shower are loud, but not enough to drown out the voice in my head. The one that keeps playing over the worst case scenario when I tell him my secret. Bradley. The man I hired to work through my issues.
But there was more than help. There was laughter, gentle touches. The kisses, ones that were so passionate and full of desire.
I press my forehead to the cool tile, the splash of water shifting, now more a whisper down my spine. I try to breathe. To count. To reason with myself.
“We were apart. Broken up. On a break. Jefferson can’t be mad that I was with someone else. Not when I heard he was too. But he doesn’t know that it got back to me.”
But it’s not just the truth, or that I was with someone else. It’s the feelings I have for Bradley. I want him. I want Jefferson. For the three of us to be a unit. Am I being greedy?
I’m falling in love. And that love isn’t just for the man who’s about to meet me here in my apartment.
I turn off the water. I step out, pulling the towel off the rack and dry myself with robotic, memorized movements. The mirror’s fogged up, and maybe that’s a blessing in disguise. I don’t want to see my face, not right now anyway.
Boxers. Jeans. My body dresses on autopilot. I pull my shirt over my head, my arms pushing through the openings as I smooth it down, then tuck it into my pants.
I’ve just zipped and buttoned my jeans when I hear footsteps. Jefferson.
“Malcolm,” he calls, his voice echoing lightly down the hall. “I’m here.”
My stomach tightens. A knot forming as my intestines metaphorically twist together.
This is it. My time is up and now I have to come clean. I just hope that he sees my position and we can figure something out.
“In the bedroom,” I call back to him, taking a breath before plastering a smile on my face.
He steps into the room, cutting the distance between us with long graceful strides, taking me in his arms and kissing me deeply. I groan into his mouth as my hands slip around his waist, holding on to him tightly. As if I’m trying to keep him from running once he hears my news.
“Mmm, I’ve been dreaming about having you in my arms since I left this morning,” he growls into my mouth.
“Me too.” My voice comes out husky with need. This man always finds a way to turn me into a pile of goo with his words.
“I love you, Malcolm. So fucking much.”
My heart pounds at his confession, but fear rears its ugly head that once I tell him the truth, he’s going to regret those words.
“Let’s get the talking done so we can eat.” His deep voice rumbles.
“Okay.” We pull apart and he guides me toward the bed. Nope. Not the place for this conversation. “Let’s go to the living room.” Jefferson’s eyebrow raises in question, but he doesn’t say anything, just changes direction.
We sit down on the couch, our bodies angled toward each other, our knees brushing together. I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. Anxiety weaving around me, threatening to cut off my breath.
“Are you having second thoughts?” Jefferson asks, his voice cold.
My head jerks up, my eyes gazing into his. “What?” Does he really think that?
“Are you having second thoughts about us? About being in public? You seemed so gung ho earlier to go out tonight, and now you look like you're about to pass out or throw up.”
I reach out, frantically taking his hand in mine and gripping it tightly. “I am not having second thoughts. Not about us. Not about taking it publicly. When I told you I was done hiding, I meant every word of it.”
“Then what is it? Did someone die?”
Just possibly our relationship I want to say out loud, but I bite my tongue and keep it to myself.
One more deep breath. One final pep talk to myself. I’m going to be honest and let the chips fall where they may.
“No one died.” I smile, though it doesn’t quite reach across my face. “Losing you because of my insecurities was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. But it kicked my ass in gear, because I knew if I didn’t deal with my issues, then I’d lose you.”
Jefferson smiles at me.
“Hearing that you were also out, with another man, helped too.” Jefferson’s face goes white, his mouth parting slightly.
“Malcolm,” he starts, but I reach out, placing my fingers over his lips.
“Please let me finish.”
He nods, and my fingers drop away.
“I knew it was going to be hard, and I was going to need help. Someone told me about a site so I checked it out, paying for the service it offered. For someone to help me work through my insecurities and to become comfortable being in public and showing affection.” Jefferson clears his throat, his eyes going wide, as he tilts his head slightly as if realization is hitting him.
My mind starts swarming with thoughts of doubt about him ending our relationship. Again. All because of this. I lower my head, not sure if I’m looking him in the face that I can say what I need to.
“It was a business arrangement, but in the short time we knew each other, he became a friend.” I pause, preparing myself for the next part.
“Somewhere along the way, feelings developed. Things became heated. Intimate. It doesn’t change the fact I’m in love with you, Jefferson, but I’m falling for him too.
It’s new, and I’m not sure he feels the same.
I never had a chance to talk with him about it. And now, he’s ghosting me.”
I did it. I told him. I finally look up and he’s staring back at me. But he’s not responding. He’s quiet and my stomach churns. I’ve lost him again, and Bradley doesn’t even want to talk to me.
“I love you, Malcolm.”
What? Did he just say that?
“What you just said has made things a little clearer for me.”
“Clearer?” I ask, confused by his words.
“Yes. The person you heard I was out with, it wasn’t just some guy.”
My heart plummets into my stomach. Did he already have someone before he broke up with me? Did he just assume I would never get my shit together and come out? But, would I have gotten it together? Him breaking up with me was the catalyst for my change.
“Don’t.” His voice is hard. “I can see the wrinkles forming on your forehead already from you overthinking. I had an event to go to and I didn’t want to go alone.
Just like you, I heard about a website that helps with issues like that and I contracted a date.
One I had an instant attraction to and we clicked.
” Jefferson reaches out, running his fingers through my hair, and I tilt my head into his touch.
I swallow, waiting to hear what comes next. Is he breaking up with me? I thought last night we were moving back toward what we were. But maybe not?
“There’s something more with him than just friendship or attraction. A connection. Much like you were just saying about the person who helped you.”
“Okay,” slips from my tongue.
“It’s where I was last night when you called and messaged. He was sick and I was taking care of him.” My ears perk, suddenly more interested in this guy. “Your phone call woke him up and well, he saw your picture. His whole demeanor changed after that, and today he’s ghosting me.”
“Bradley?” His name flows effortlessly from my mouth.
“Yes,” Jefferson answers while nodding. “It seems somehow we both found the same attractive, younger man and fell head over heels for him. I’m not sure about you, but I planned to tell you about him tonight and see if you wanted to explore something further with him.
Long term.” He clears his throat, and I swallow the lump that I had built in mine.
“Would you be interested in that? Making our duo a trio?”
My mind immediately shoots to what people would think? Three people in a relationship together. But then I remember my son. It’s what he has and I don’t care. I don’t think any differently about him because he is. Besides, I'm firmly in my embracing who I am, era.
“Do you think he does? He has been ghosting us.” I whisper, my voice cracking with emotion.
“I think he’s ghosting us not because he doesn’t want to be with us, but more about him being scared we’re not going to want him. Bradley knew I had an ex I was still madly in love with, but that we were at separate places in our lives. He never knew your name.”
“And I never told him yours. I think he’s scared and hiding and avoiding is the only way he knows how to handle it.”
I bite my lip, thinking about what I want to say. “We can do this? All be together and there not be any jealousy?”
“The only way we’ll know if we can is by talking to him. Making sure he wants us. Both of us. Then in the words of Nike, we just do it.”
I lean in to him, pressing my lips to his, whispering huskily. “Then let’s go get him.”