Chapter 6 Allie
Allie
Saint won’t message me back. I’ve texted. I’ve called. And even after we made eye contact at the rodeo, she still hasn’t responded to me. The light from my phone catches the facets in the diamond on my finger.
I hate this ring. I hate the situation I’m in. I hate not knowing what’s going on with Saint.
“Now you know for sure.” Mom glances at me from the driver’s seat of her black Escalade.
She drives herself despite our money. It’s one of her quirks.
Pretending she’s a normal down-to-earth person when she’s not.
Anything to ensure no one mistakes her for thinking or acting like a Bishop. God forbid.
I turn my head toward her and heave a sigh that comes from the tips of my toes. I’m so tired, it’s unreal. “What did you say?”
“I swear, you might as well be a thousand miles away.” It sounds motherly, but I hear the bite under her words. She’s pissed I wasn’t giving her all my attention. I’ll pay for it later. “I said now you know Saint is alive and well.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. “There’s no way to know if she’s well. Yes, she’s alive, but that doesn’t mean she’s okay. She’s married to Calder Bishop now. You don’t see a problem with that?”
Mom clicks her tongue and shrugs. “I certainly wouldn’t have picked him for a husband, but that’s me. People make stupid choices all the time, Allie. It’s not up to us to understand them. Trust me. The harder you try, the worse you’ll feel.”
What the fuck is happening right now?
All my life, there hasn’t been a bigger critic of the Bishops than the woman now tapping her horn at the driver in front of us. And somehow, she’s suddenly on their fucking side.
“I thought you cared about her. If only for my sake. What if she was forced to marry him?”
“Aren’t we being dramatic today?” she snaps, and her sudden change in tone makes me move closer to the door, away from her.
“You spent over a week worrying like hell about her. I mean, you were convinced she was dead, or kidnapped, or worse. Even knowing she’s alive and well, you still aren’t satisfied? ”
“Didn’t you hear me? What if she was forced to marry him?” The fact that she’s not answering my calls or texts only adds to my conviction.
“I guess you’ll find out whenever you talk to her next. Until then, all you can do is wonder. I think you’ve done enough accusing for the time being.”
Why do I bother? There’s no point in trying to make her understand how dire this situation is. Saint marrying Calder is the strangest thing ever. They have no prior history together, aside from her small crush and that one blip of a thing on her birthday. That’s it.
Granted, I don’t know if she was forced, but it looked like it, and it felt like it. Plus, I can’t possibly believe that Saint would go through with marrying someone and not tell me or let me be part of her wedding. We’re best friends, or at least we were.
I consider the rodeo again. How Calder and Saint sat side by side, with Saint all cozied up to him.
It was so unlike her. She’s never been much for PDA.
Or any displays of affection at all. To me, it felt like two people putting on a show rather than a couple who couldn’t help but run off and get married because they’re so in love.
That’s my problem. It was an act, and I don’t understand how I’m the only one who can see it.
“With Saint’s disappearance cleared up, you can focus your attention on your own wedding,” my mother interjects, her voice lighter, happier. I swear, she gives me whiplash when her moods swing like this.
Of course that’s just what I want to do. Think about the marriage I’m being forced into. With a stranger I have yet to meet. I’ve jumped from one heaping pile of shit into the next.
“I know you think you don’t want this. I’m fairly sure my ears are still ringing from your over-the-top reaction,” she continues.
Over the top? Coming home from college to find out that I would never go back because I’m marrying the son of some rancher in Utah in less than a few months.
When she first told me I’d be getting married, I thought it was abstract—something far off in the future.
I don’t personally believe that my reaction was over the top, but sure.
I mean, how else was I supposed to react?
Was I supposed to thank her? “I was surprised. I thought you were joking about an arranged marriage to begin with.”
I didn’t really, but I was hoping she was.
She clicks her tongue before cutting the wheel to go around a guy who’s already going ten miles an hour over the speed limit.
“You make it sound so ugly.” Maybe because it is.
“You aren’t some piece of cattle, Allie,” she reminds me with a sigh.
“This is a strategic alliance between families. I told you that.”
Sure, she did, after I screamed and begged for answers until my voice was hoarse, and I was completely exhausted. That was when she finally gave in and dropped the whole “isn’t this wonderful” act.
“We need help. Things... things aren’t going as well as they appear.”
I’ll never forget the ice-cold lump that landed in my stomach when she said that. Right away, I guessed what she was getting at, even if I didn’t want to believe it.
“What are you talking about?” I asked in disbelief. “This ranch is—”
“Over-leveraged,” she snaps before running a hand over her hair and smoothing it back even though it was already in place. “We’re in debt. Heavily in debt. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. And it’s not as if your schooling is cheap either.”
Oh, I know all about debt.
“Merging with the Lowry family is our only hope. It is our salvation,” she barked.
All I can do is stare in silence while she paces back and forth behind her desk, wringing her hands.
“Otherwise, what do you think will happen? Do you know how many people would be out of work if we lose this ranch? We would have to give up the land our family has nurtured and wrestled with and tamed for generations. All of it would be gone just like that.” She snaps her fingers.
It echoes like a shotgun blast and rings in my ears.
“This marriage has to go through.”
I’ve never seen her like this. So intense. Desperate. Emma Porter doesn’t do desperate. “It must go through. You are our only hope, Allie.”
Our only fucking hope.
Marrying Jackson Lowry, who, from what I’ve seen online, looks like your typical spoiled, handsome, rich kid who probably doesn’t have a brain in his head and treats women like sheep.
I mean, he’s willing to marry me without ever having met me.
But then I’m doing the same thing, aren’t I?
Maybe he’s being forced too.
The Porter name is well known. Plenty of ranching families would love to hitch their names to ours.
Maybe Mom forgot to tell the Lowry family we aren’t actually doing so well.
Whoops. Must have slipped her mind. My guess, she wants the marriage license signed before they dig too deep and find out we’re in trouble.
Or they know we’re in trouble and probably used that to set the terms the way they want them.
Mom thinks she’s some great businesswoman, but if that were the case, we wouldn’t be drowning in debt.
I can’t even tell Saint about it, which was the first thing I wanted to do. I don’t even get to run to my best friend and pour my heart out because she won’t fucking answer her phone. I give my own phone a little shake like it’s the device’s fault.
I don’t think I’ve ever hated a fucking Bishop more than I do right now. Even Kade. Especially after the humiliation he put me through the other night.
It’s Calder’s fault. He took her from her dad and from me.
He got into her head somehow. I know he did; he must have.
There is literally no other reason for her to be married to him.
They’re opposites in every way. All she has ever done in her entire life is be good and kind.
She’s always thinking about other people.
And Calder? Hell, any of the Bishops? They’re the ones who spread the kind of pain and darkness Saint would pray about.
I seriously doubt Calder had a change of heart.
You won’t find him in the front pew of Pastor James’s church on Sunday.
I don’t think he’ll be bringing any dishes to the church potluck.
She’s too good for him. That’s it. End of story. She’s too good for the Bishops.
And what about me?
I hate that nagging voice in my head reminding me of what one of the Bishops used to mean to me before I ended things.
But I did end it before we went too far, since it was never right in the first place. The sneaking around was fun, sure, but school was about to start.
And Mom... if she’d known...
What was I supposed to do? I don’t even know why I’m guilt-tripping myself over this.
It’s not like we were in a relationship.
Kade doesn’t do those. He made sure I knew that, and I told him I understood, even if I secretly hoped he would change his mind.
Besides, were we supposed to spend the rest of our lives sneaking around?
Hell, even when I ended things, I didn’t owe him that much. It was a courtesy.
One he threw in my face.
Now I know I made the right choice, after what he did to me in my room the other night.
“What’s wrong with you?” Mom asks when I shudder before I can help it.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” With Kade’s face, and Kade’s smell, and Kade’s voice.
Oh, and the gun he dragged through my pussy until I thought I would die of fear before he ever even touched the trigger.
No, I made the right choice now that I know what he’s capable of. It’s all Roman’s fault. It’s Roman’s approval that matters so much to Kade. It’s sad, but he’ll never get it. And I think he knows.
Not that it changes anything. I used to care. I used to pity him and wish I could take away the pain. Not anymore. Not after what he did to me.
I could tell by the way he looked at me that night that he believes what everyone else will believe once they find out about this stupid engagement. That I’ve moved on and I’m happy. Thinking I’m looking forward to my new life, my happily ever after. All that shit.
Kade doesn’t know—can never know—that the first face to flash through my head when Mom told me about my engagement was his.
He doesn’t want me anymore. That’s my fault.
And it’s something I have to live with every time I see the hate in his eyes.
But he can never know I did it for him. For me too, but also for him.
Roman would kill him rather than see him with me.
Mom too. It was never going to end well between us.
I gave us a clean break when I left for college, and he resents me for it.
I slouch in my seat even though Mom always corrects me, folding my arms over my chest. I just want to talk to Saint. She wouldn’t call me overly dramatic. Nor would she brush me off like Mom does. I miss her so much it’s a constant ache in my chest.
Neither would Buck, probably my only other friend from around the ranch, until Mom fired him while I was away at school. She didn’t figure I needed to know about that, either, until I got home and realized after a couple of days that I hadn’t seen him.
“Don’t worry about him,” she snapped when I asked if he was sick or something. “He doesn’t work here anymore.”
Worse, she wouldn’t tell me why. I can’t imagine what he could have done to make her face go so red, so fast. It didn’t matter that he had been co-manager of the ranch for longer than I’d been alive. It didn’t matter that she’d trusted him for so long.
And it sure as hell didn’t matter that he was the closest thing to a father figure I had. Not that Mom knew that. She would’ve laughed if I told her about the bond I shared with him after years of conversations around the ranch. He always knows the right thing to say to cheer me up.
Now he’s gone, too.
One by one, I’m losing people. And one by one, new assholes are showing up to fill the empty spots. People I don’t know or trust. My best friend is newly married to a monster, who probably won’t let me get near her.
I’m engaged to a stranger, and if I don’t marry him, we lose the ranch. Putting every one of our employees’ fates in my hands. It’s on me. Never her.
Through it all, I miss Kade. I know I shouldn’t. Not after he terrified me into believing the man I fell in love with was gone.
Some dark part of me knows he did it all to protect me before I asked the wrong question and found myself in a shallow grave.
But did that require him to practically fuck me with a loaded gun?
How should I feel about that? I’m torn because he represents the last time my life made any sense.
When I had Saint and Buck and a future to look forward to.
My whole life was ahead of me, and I had a whole world to discover.
None of that matters now. They’ll probably want me to start popping out babies as soon as the ink on the marriage certificate dries. Will I get any say in that process either? Doubtful.
As we make the turn through the iron gates leading up to the house, it hits me: this is my life now. My future. Pretending I’m okay. Sacrificing everything for others. And wondering how my whole world turned upside down without me realizing it.