Chapter 20
Allie
Go to town.
Act normally.
People only know about what Kade did. That’s all they’re interested in.
It doesn’t matter how many times I repeat it to myself—and I have, so many times, it’s not like I got any sleep. I fear the nightmares.
I killed someone.
He was going to rape me.
His blood was all over me.
What if Kade decides to tell the truth?
That’s the one that kept me staring at the walls for hours.
I watched as the sun rose and moved across the room, inch by inch.
As it did, all I could do was imagine the cops showing up at our door to bring me in for questioning.
Mr. Lowry is a rich man and probably powerful.
He won’t forget his son disappeared without a trace.
And of everyone I know, Kade is the only person who can help me. I would laugh if the whole thing wasn’t so damn awful. But I don’t see another way out.
The only thing that gets me out of bed is the memory of what Kade told me to do today. Having a task to complete gives me something to hold on to, even if my eyes burn and my throat feels like someone shoved sandpaper down it.
I can’t think about it, but I also can’t stop thinking about it. It’s all too much.
I sag against the bathroom door and cover my face with my hands, sobbing as quietly as I can, choking on my fear.
I still can’t remember anything. Did I..
. dissociate? Or maybe it was the lack of oxygen to my brain when Jackson choked me out.
Some kind of defense mechanism kicked in, forcing my hand.
I look back at the bed, where my phone sits on top of the blankets. Maybe I’ll look it up.
No. I need to act normal because if they suspect me, they might ask to see my phone or go through it.
I can’t look it up. I have to do this. I force myself to look at my reflection in the mirror.
The first glimpse makes me cringe. My eyes are swollen from crying off and on for hours.
My skin is ghostly white, and my hair is a tangled mess—I never even ran a brush through it after I got out of the shower.
I’m falling apart. How am I supposed to show my face in town?
That same icy panic that has been submerging me since last night returns. Every time I close my eyes, there he is. How could I have trusted him? I made it so easy, didn’t I?
No. Fuck that. The idea that I could bring on my own rape is enough to snap through the cold.
Deep in my chest, a tiny bit of warmth starts to spread slowly.
It lights up the dark corners and warms me with anger.
What happened wasn’t my fault. He took advantage of me.
He brought this on himself. It doesn’t lessen the terror from not remembering, though.
No matter what happens after this, I know one thing. I won’t blame myself again.
Now I feel strong enough to get myself straightened out.
Once my hair is brushed and pulled back in a bun, I wash my face, then start on my makeup.
A scarf will hide the marks on my throat, so I focus on covering up the circles under my eyes and making myself look less like a living corpse.
The mere thought of Jackson makes my hand tremble.
Push it away. There’s no time for me to fall apart. I had hours to do that. Right now, I need to focus on damage control and on making myself look less like a suspect.
Every time I go to apply eyeliner, I start crying, but eventually, I get it all done. It takes forever. By the time I’m dressed in a sweater and leggings, I’m back to feeling a little bit more like myself.
It feels like I’m pulling on armor as I slide into a pair of ankle boots, then add my leather jacket and a scarf around my neck. I look at my reflection in the mirror. Do I look like I murdered my fiancé last night? Nothing catches my attention, so I nod.
I’m still wearing the ring and everything. The sight of it makes me bite the inside of my cheek until I taste blood. I’d love nothing more than to toss it in the trash, but I can’t. If I want to survive this, I need to play my part. Pulling myself together, I take a deep breath and head downstairs.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” I repeat to myself over and over again.
How does Kade live with himself?
What would Kade do if he were me right now?
He would go out of his way to be seen in town, wouldn’t he? He would dare people to look him in the eye and tell him what the hell they wanted.
That’s who I need to be. It doesn’t matter if I’m drained. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know who I am right now. It only matters that I have a role to play, and I’ll play it. Or else.
That thought gets determination flowing through my veins once I reach the first floor.
The sound of Mom’s voice makes me cringe.
She’s on the phone in her office, and she doesn’t bother to keep her voice down.
Her own damage control, I guess. Cleaning up Kade’s mess the way he cleaned up mine. It’s almost ironic.
Not that she’d laugh if she knew.
I doubt she hears anything over the sound of her own voice, but I tiptoe out of the house anyway, then rush to my car and jump in. It feels like I cleared the first hurdle. It just sucks that there are so many more to go.
One thing at a time. I take a deep breath, roll my shoulders back, then start toward town while snowflakes drift lazily from a sky the color of slate.
It’s amazing, but there was a moment last night when Kade’s big reveal felt like the worst thing that could happen. After such a big bombshell, I could have dug my heels in and insisted on staying with Mom. But then I would’ve ended up married to a monster.
A tiny whimper escapes me, and I sound like a wounded animal. Don’t think about it. Bury it. If only it were that simple.
Things are about as busy in town as they usually are on a Sunday morning.
People chatting outside shops, having brunch, the usual stuff.
I hate feeling so paranoid. I’m sure they aren’t all talking about my family.
And I’m sure nobody knows yet that Jackson went MIA after he was supposed to take me home. No one knows anything yet. I’m safe.
But for how long?
No! If I was strong enough to lift that lamp and bash in Jackson’s skull last night, I’m strong enough to handle this without shattering. I have to be.
As I expect, the weight of so many passing stares is heavy once I’ve parked and stepped out onto the street. My pulse flutters as I walk down to the coffee shop—I definitely need the caffeine hit today.
A woman exits as I enter. She holds the door for me, and I murmur my thanks while pretending I don’t notice the way she stares. So far, so good.
I hear the whispers, though, once I’m waiting in line. But thankfully, as far as they’re concerned, my big moment was ruined by a filthy Bishop who is always getting into trouble. I guess having them look at me as a victim is better than being called a murderer.
I twist the ring on my finger without looking down at it, trying to contain my nerves. The girl behind the counter gives me a sympathetic smile when she hands over my latte.
I’m trying to decide where to go next—maybe the bakery—when I run into a wall outside the shop. “Oh! Sweetie!”
I recognize one of the women from last night. She had lipstick on her teeth. It’s gone now as she puts a hand on my arm and squeezes hard. “It was all so terrible, wasn’t it?” she murmurs, leaning in close.
“I do not envy your poor mother,” her friend moans. “To have something so ugly blasted out to everyone in attendance?”
“Is it true?” Lipstick Teeth stares at me with way too much intensity, like she can see inside my head if she tries hard enough.
What a shock. They don’t actually care about Mom or me.
They want to know if he was telling the truth, so they can go home and get on the phone and spread fresh gossip to all their friends.
I’m mute like a deer in headlights, searching for a way out.
“Well, just the person I wanted to see.” A booming voice calls out, getting closer.
It has to be straight karma that my escape would be Joseph fucking Lowry. My stomach drops, and I almost lose my coffee too, nearly burning my hand when I squeeze a little too hard to keep a hold of it.
It’s like magic. The two women who were basically bullying me scatter.
He stands with his hands on his hips, his chest heaving, his eyes narrowing under the brim of his hat.
It’s like he’s cosplaying as a cowboy. “Did my son spend the night with you?” he asks flat out.
He doesn’t even bother lowering his voice.
For some god-awful reason, I actually blush at the question. “No!” I don’t know how I do it, but I manage to laugh off the idea. “I thought he went back to the country club.”
He looks me up and down, searching for a lie. “Is that what he told you?”
“No, just what I had assumed. He didn’t actually tell me anything.”
“What did he say? Did he mention going anywhere at all?” he demands.
“He really didn’t.” I do my best to look and sound worried. I mean, I am worried. Just not about Jackson. “Could he have had an accident on the way back? It gets real dark out in the country, and animals dart out across the road all the time.”
He heaves a few deep breaths and readjusts his very shiny, not-worn-at-all hat.
“I don’t know. It could be. He’s not answering his phone.
We’re supposed to fly back on the jet in an hour, and I can’t get ahold of him.
” He rubs a hand up the back of his neck, grimacing.
“I called the hospital, too,” he adds in a softer voice.
“This is awful,” I whisper. That much is true. “I’m sure there’s an explanation. Did you go to the police station?” I really, really hope not, though it would make sense if he did.
“I was just leaving to head there now. Are you sure you don’t know anything?
You have nothin’ to be ashamed of if...” He breaks off, and this time thankfully lowers his voice.
“If you two got carried away and did the deed. It’s okay.
No one will judge you. You’re about to be married. I just need to make sure he’s okay.”
This accusation actually makes me queasy, and bile climbs up my throat.
Where is Kade? I need Kade. I can’t do this by myself.
“I swear,” I whisper, shaking my head. “I have no idea where he is. He dropped me off and left.”
“Miss Allie?”
I look around, confused, but then I almost break down crying when I spot Buck coming our way. Thank God. He gives me a friendly wave, dodging a passing truck before joining us.
“I thought that was you,” he says with a grin before turning to the man now glaring down at me like he wants me dead. His good-ole-boy act has failed. “Sorry, sir, we’ve never met.” He holds out his hand. “Buck Davis.”
They shake hands, and I think for a second Joseph flinches before Buck releases him. “Joseph Lowry,” he replies, though his tone is more pissed off than anything.
“Really?” Buck lets out a high-pitched whistle. “I must say, sir, I’ve been an admirer of your ranch for quite some time. You all do some pretty big business out there, from what I understand.”
“Yes, we do.” He can’t help but accept admiration whenever it comes his way, and it seems to be enough for him to drop whatever the hell happened there with Buck.
“I sure would like the chance to go out there and take a look sometime. I used to work for Miss Allie’s mama,” Buck explains. “Now I’ve taken a job elsewhere, but I sure miss working for a big operation.”
“Yes, I’m sure you do.” Lowry looks down at me, and at least it’s not so vicious this time. “I’ll be in touch. If it wasn’t for a very important meeting I have this afternoon, I wouldn’t leave town.”
“Of course, if Jackson reaches out to me, I’ll let him know you are looking for him.”
He nods and continues down the sidewalk, finally stopping at a dark SUV, where the driver opens the back door for him.
Oh my God. I didn’t expect that. The gossip, yes, but I didn’t imagine Joseph confronting me. I made it through, though. Thanks to Buck.
“You’re a lifesaver,” I tell him in a weak voice. “Thank you.”
He’s staring after Lowry, watching as the SUV pulls away. “So that man is gonna be your father-in-law?”
He was. “I’m afraid so. A real sweetheart, right?”
“What was he so worked up about?” he asks, finally turning toward me once the car is swallowed by traffic.
“Something about his son Jackson. I’m sure it’ll work itself out.” It helps the lie that I didn’t like him very much anyway. I can sound unconcerned because I didn’t care to begin with.
“I don’t envy you,” he says. “Dealing with all of that.”
“It’s not easy, that’s for sure, but I’m grateful that you came to my rescue.”
He tips his hat and gives me his usual grin. “Anytime, ma’am. You stay out of trouble, now.”
“I’ll do my best,” I say, even though what I want to tell him is that I’m trying, but that trouble has a habit of finding me.
Speaking of trouble, I feel him before I see him. What the hell is Kade doing here? Is he watching me? I stare at the windshield as I cross the street to get to my car.
I’m unnerved but at the same time relieved. Almost like I have a guardian angel.
Would he kill for me?
The thought chills me to the bone, but I can’t shake it. It weighs on me as I get in the car. Fuck going anywhere else now. I’ve had enough for one morning.
Did he kill Jackson? Or maybe he had someone else do it, like one of the people who cleaned up last night, since there was no way he could have done it all by himself in that short a time span.
Nor did he have a speck of blood on him that I saw.
Maybe he wasn’t alone when he showed up at the house.
I know I’m grasping at straws and losing my mind.
Exhaustion and terror and the memory of having the life choked out of me are wearing me down.
Pretty soon, there won’t be any of me left.