Chapter 31
Allie
If I don’t stop crying, my eyes might swell shut permanently.
Mom isn’t home yet, but it’s only a matter of time.
How do I explain why Kade left out of nowhere?
I would have to confess to a lot of things.
Like us being close enough that we could have a fight like the one we had.
The memory brings fresh tears to my eyes.
How do I even have any moisture left in my body after sobbing until my head aches?
And how could he throw everything in my face like that?
The way I threw everything in his face?
Dammit. I slam a fist into my pillow, not that it helps any more than it helped to soak the same pillow with my tears. I could’ve done so many things differently. Why did I have to hurt him?
Easy. Because I wanted to. I did. I wanted to make him feel small like he made me feel. I wanted to hurt him.
All I did was hurt myself. Way to go, Allie.
And now everything is somehow less without him here.
Maybe I didn’t understand how lonely and dark my life was until now, or maybe it just looks lonely and dark because I know what it’s like to have him with me.
To wake up with him, to be held by him. Nothing compares to that.
It feels like nothing and no one else ever will.
But it’s over. You can’t come back from the kind of things we said to each other—and he was cruel. I’m not the only one to blame.
But he wasn’t wrong about a lot of things. Through all the crying, I’ve had time to think, and the fact is he was right. A big part of me still feels like I’m better than him and his family. A part of me still doesn’t trust him, no matter how much I wish otherwise.
And that right there is why it’s probably best for him to leave and never come back.
Though it means taking him away from Mom all over again. And she was so happy to have him here, too. Did I just ruin that for her?
I’ll have to come up with something to say by the time she gets home because she’ll want to know where he is.
I force myself through the motions of getting dressed to prepare for the conversation, then brushing out my damp hair until it hangs in a dark red curtain over my shoulders.
I didn’t even get the chance to condition it, so the brush catches on the tangles left behind. The brief pain feels deserved.
I don’t feel like blow-drying it, either. It’s like the simplest things take too much effort. I could be happy right now, happy with him, and I let it get ruined. I can’t expect him to forgive me, because I’m not sure I can forgive myself for how awful I was.
Even though I don’t feel like it, I plug in my hairdryer and get to work, forcing myself to stare at my reflection when all I want to do is walk away, disappointed in myself, angry at how stupid I was.
Even if he had those men killed, and he must have—I can’t believe Mom would do that or that she’d even know someone to do it for her—it was for me, right?
I turned around and threw it in his face. Not like I would thank him or anything, but I didn’t have to be cruel about it. I didn’t think I was that cruel a person.
I also didn’t think I was capable of murder. I guess I’m wrong about a lot of things.
Once my hair is dry, I turn off the dryer and set it aside.
One of the floorboards out in the hall creaks, and my heart lodges itself in my throat. There’s a footstep. Like someone in heavy boots is out there.
He came back.
It’s like the sun peeling from behind a wall of storm clouds. My life is full of light again. I’ll make it up to him. I’m broken without him.
“Kade?” My body is moving before I make the choice to run to him, tearing through my room and out into the hallway. “I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have—”
I stop suddenly enough that I almost fall over. It’s not him in the middle of the hallway, outside my bedroom door. It’s not Mom, either.
Standing in front of me is someone in a Stetson hat with the brim pulled low over his eyes. “Buck?” I whisper, blinking hard and taking a step back. “I-I mean—”
He gives me a sheepish grin. “Miss Allie.”
“I don’t understand. What are you doing here?” But somewhere in the back of my mind, where my pulse now pounds a frantic rhythm inside my skull, something is starting to come together. Something I don’t want to believe.
“I thought he would never leave,” he murmurs, smiling. “I waited to make sure he wasn’t coming back.”
“I… I don’t understand.” I back away another step. Another. This is wrong, it’s all wrong, and all I can think to do is get away from him. Get behind the door and lock it and make sure he can’t get through because the look in his eyes is making me cold and queasy.
“There’ll be plenty of time to explain everything.”
He reaches into his pocket. And he pulls out a rag.
I turn on my heel, a scream lodged in my throat, but there’s no chance to let it out before he’s on me. His arm is a steel bar across my chest, holding me against him so he can clamp the rag over my mouth and nose.
Don’t breathe! I hold my breath, jamming my elbows into his ribs and stomping on his feet, but it’s not long before my lungs demand air. I can’t help it. I inhale.
And the world goes dark.
“I didn’t want to have to do it that way. I hope you understand it’s not what I had planned.”
Jesus Christ, my head is killing me. I feel every heartbeat throbbing inside my skull, and over it is the sound of a deep voice close to my ear. “It was the only way. I couldn’t wait another minute. They couldn’t keep us apart, though. None of them could.”
Buck. Nothing makes sense, but I remember Buck being in the house. How did he get in? The fucking root cellar I never blocked off in case Kade ever came back. The rag over my face. His voice is soft and gentle and way too familiar. Intimate, when there’s no reason to be.
Something cold and wet touches my forehead, and I flinch away from the sensation before I can think to stay still. Now he knows I’m awake. I hear the happiness in his voice. “There she is. Coming back to me.”
As he speaks, he strokes my forehead with the cloth. I’m lying down. It’s soft enough, and there’s a pillow under my head, not that it does anything to ease the ache. He chloroformed me, didn’t he? That had to be it. How long was I unconscious for?
“You just rest now.” He sighs, gently stroking my hair. His touch is repulsive, but instinct screams at me to stay still and take it. “Everything is gonna be all right now. You’ll never have to worry about anythin’ ever again. I fixed it. I fixed it all.”
I can’t hide from this. I can’t keep my eyes closed forever. As much as I don’t want to see him or anything about where I am, I force my eyes open.
And I wish I hadn’t. Holy shit. The bed. It looks just like mine. I’m not in my bedroom, but I’m in my bed. The nightstand is the same, too. The curtains on the window, the dresser. It’s even in the same spot. He’s recreated my bedroom exactly, just in a different location.
“Do you like it?” he asks, sounding kind of shy and nervous while running a hand over his close-cropped hair. His hat sits near my feet. “I tried to make it just the same so you would be comfortable. That’s all I want. For you to have everything you need.”
I have to grind my teeth hard or else risk flinching away when he lets a lock of my hair slide between his fingers. Dear God, how could I ever think he was a friend? “That’s all I’ve ever wanted for so long,” he whispers. “Too long. She wouldn’t let us be together, so I had to find a way.”
“She?” I whisper. It’s not easy to follow along when I’m this lost. Lying in a room that only looks like mine, with a man sitting on the bed who I only thought I knew and trusted.
“Your mama.” A dark look comes over his face and chills my blood. “When she caught me that day, I just wanted to be in your room, that’s all. I wanted to be close to you. She wouldn’t listen to reason. She made it sound disgustin’.”
My stomach turns at the thought of him being in my room while I was away.
Oh my God, is that why she fired him? Why didn’t she tell me? Because she’s so used to keeping secrets. This was just one more.
Only this one has done more damage than any of the others ever could.
“But she couldn’t stop me.” There’s a fire in his eyes that does anything but warm me inside. “None of them could. Because I’ve known for a long time you were meant for me. All I ever wanted is a chance to take care of you and make you happy.”
“But…” Fuck, I can’t think! My head is so heavy, and it hurts so much. I have to think, though. I have to make it all make sense somehow. “Why couldn’t you tell me yourself? So I would know. You always kept it secret.”
“I was just waiting for the right time. And now it’s here. No more havin’ to hide. No more havin’ to watch you getting forced into things you didn’t wanna do.”
It’s all starting to make sense in a sick way. “You mean… the engagement?”
He knew about it. He knew everything, and I just accepted it.
Knew about the engagement. He knew about that night in the bar when the fight broke out.
He even knew when to find me in town because he was stalking me.
How could I have been so blind? That was how we kept running into each other. That was how… That was how…
Oh no. If he could sneak around inside the house tonight…
… when else did he?
“I knew.” His voice sounds far away, almost dreamy. Like he’s here, but he’s not. “I always knew I was here, in this life, because of you. To take care of you, to understand you. But that night, when I followed y’all from the country club, when I took the cellar and came out into the foyer…”
His voice turns hard, but it’s the murderous gleam in his eye that makes me bite back a scream. “That son of a bitch never heard me coming up behind him. He let out a grunt when I used the lamp on him, but that was it.”
He killed Jackson. It wasn’t me. It was Buck all along.