Chapter 18 Mary
MARY
My head is spinning with panic and outrage as I stumble my way back to the house.
What the fuck was I thinking?
It was stupid enough to sleep with Everett in the first place, but to continue it after his daughter got back is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t believe I let this happen. Did I really think turning a blind eye to the consequences would do any good?
I can barely see straight by the time I make it through the front door. All I want is to collapse in bed and sob, or maybe tuck my tail and escape. God, I’ve never run away from a challenge before, especially not because of emotional turmoil. Is this really going to be what breaks me?
No, it won’t. I know it won’t, because even if I wanted to run, I couldn’t.
My car is still in the shop. I’m stuck here, no matter how much I wish I wasn’t.
My eyes well with tears as I step past the kitchen, my pulse thudding so loud I can hardly hear my own footsteps.
I take a deep breath to steady myself as I head to my room, but it rushes straight back out of me in a pained sound when I round the corner.
Jenny steps out of the bathroom across from my room, and I stop dead in my tracks.
My eyes drop to the floor immediately, half in shame and half trying to hide the tears brimming at my lashes.
It would be completely inappropriate of me to cry in front of her.
I keep my gaze fixed firmly to the floor, intending to keep my head down and hide out in my room until I figure out how the hell to handle this, but she steps in front of me before I make it.
The toes of her sneakers slide into my field of vision, and I don’t take another step forward.
“I can’t fucking believe you,” she snarls at me, drilling her finger so hard into my collarbone that it pushes me back a step. “We were never close, but I looked up to you in school. You were the perfect student, the perfect worker. I trusted you, Mary.”
I can hear both anger and agony in her voice, and my own chest aches with guilt. There’s nothing I can say to make it better, though. No apology, no promise, no solution.
I fucked up, and that’s all there is to it.
“What, you don’t have anything to say? You managed to talk my dad into bed, but you can’t even say sorry to me?” Her cheeks are bright with anger as she crosses her arms over chest and rakes a withering glance over me. “Do you know how old he is? Do you know anything about him at all?”
I wish I could tell her the little things I’ve noticed and the stories he’s shared, but I can’t even manage to open my mouth. I just stare at her, overwhelmed and exhausted.
“You have no idea what he’s been through.” Those words are heavy with pain, the anger in them an afterthought. “You showed up here to do a job. What are you going to do when it’s over? Just leave and break my dad’s heart?”
A wounded sound breaks free of my throat, and it feels like a dam coming loose. A moment ago, I couldn’t find a single word to say, now it seems like I have too many. They all try to rush out of me at once, but the result is the same. Silence.
I’m silent, mourning my own actions, wishing I could take it all back so no one would be hurt.
Everett’s heart is already broken. If whatever’s between us matters to him as much as it matters to me, he’ll be torn to shreds if I leave. I should never have let myself get this close to him, no matter how much I want him.
Tears slip down my cheek, and Jenny’s face twists in anger at the sight of it.
“Don’t you dare fucking cry in front of me,” she says harshly. “Tony said your car is busted, but as soon as it’s fixed, I want you gone. Understood?”
I don’t nod. I can’t bring myself to agree to that, no matter how much I know I should. I’ve already caused enough problems, haven’t I? Jenny shoulders past me when I don’t answer, hot disgust radiating off her.
I open the door to my room and step inside only to collapse back against it.
It thuds closed loudly, but I can’t bring myself to care.
My legs are shaking so badly that I can hardly hold myself up, and I swing one hand up to clasp it over my mouth.
I squeeze down hard, hoping against all hope that I can keep myself quiet.
My chest feels like it’s caving in on itself and I can hardly pull air into my lungs.
Tears leave scorching trails down my cheeks, and I bite into the meat of my palm to stop myself from sobbing.
I stagger over to my bed, my legs giving out just as I reach it. My whole body is so weak that I feel like I just ran a marathon, but my head is swimming with pain and fear.
Jenny is right, isn’t she? I showed up and didn’t listen to my own damn common sense, and look where it got me.
I’ve never been driven by emotion, have always prided myself on my ability to keep a cool head and make rational decisions even when other people get overwhelmed.
All of that got thrown out the window here, and it’s done nothing but hurt people.
I hardly know Jenny, but she always worked so hard in college, and the memories I have of her all revolve around the ranch. All she would ever talk about was getting to work with her dad, how proud she was of getting to take over the books.
And Everett tried to keep me at arm’s length.
He tried so hard to stick to himself, but I was too stubborn.
I kept poking and prodding until I got him to drop his walls, and when I saw the tender, kind man that was hiding behind them, I couldn’t help myself.
I want to protect him, to shield him from the pain the world has caused him, and all I’m doing is hurting him more.
All I’m doing is hurting the man I love.
Fuck.
I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone before, not like this. Can I really just turn my back on all of this and leave when my job is done? The thought of washing my hands in the kitchen sink for the last time makes my heart stutter in my chest, and a fresh wave of tears spills down my face.
I don’t know how long I sit here, panic cresting and receding as I cry.
A knock sounds softly at my door, but it rings like a gunshot in the silence.
I jump up from where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, my eyes fixed on the door like a monster is about to burst through it. Another knock sounds, a little louder, and Everett’s voice follows it.
“Mary?”
The sound of my name on his tongue is enough to make my heart clench up in pain again, but I force myself to take a deep breath. I can’t keep hurting him like this.
I clench my jaw and wipe my face as clean as I can manage before making my way to the door. My eyes are probably swollen and red, and I know there’s nothing I can do to hide the fact that I’ve been crying, but I won’t shed any more tears.
Not in front of Everett, at least.
I pull the door open quickly. Everett looks as haggard as I feel, and the frown on his face only etches itself deeper when he takes in the sight of my face. All I want is to reach out and wrap him up in a hug, but I lost my chance at that.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
He sounds like he thinks it’s a stupid question, and I wish I could be honest and tell him that I’ve never been less okay in my life. I force a smile instead.
“I’m fine,” I lie, ignoring the way my voice shakes over the words. “Did you need something?”
He blinks at me in confusion, but frustration quickly overtakes it. His brows furrow deeply, and he sighs at me.
“I wanted to check on you,” he says bluntly, the look in his eyes daring me to pretend nothing happened. “Are you okay?”
I swallow hard, glancing away from him. The sight of his face is too painful to bear right now, and it’s too soon for me to test my resolve like this. I need to convince myself that I can stay away from him before I even think about trying to convince anyone else of it.
“I’m trying to figure out what to do.” It’s the most honesty I can afford to offer him right now. “This puts my entire job at risk. We… I shouldn’t have done this.”
He’s quiet for a long moment, and when I finally convince myself to look at him, his face nearly makes me crumple. The same deep pain that shadowed his eyes when I first met him sits in his gaze again, and I hate myself for being the one to put it there.
“Do you regret it?”
His voice is raw, only just loud enough for me to hear. I don’t manage to bite off the pained hitch of my breath in time to hide it.
I don’t think I could regret it even if I lost everything because of it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s smart. It doesn’t change the fact that the world I live in is different from the world Everett lives in. All it means is that I’ll miss him after. I’ll miss all of this.
“No.” I can’t lie to him, not even if it would be the easy, clean break that I should aim for.
I can’t hurt him any more than I already have.
“I don’t regret it, Everett, but we live two totally separate lives.
I have to go back home when this contract is up.
I can’t…” I can’t lose you, I want to say. “I can’t lose my job.”
The breath that rushes out of him almost sounds like a sigh of relief, but I have no idea what he could possibly be relieved about. I’ve always prided myself on staying positive, but I’m having a hell of a time finding a single good thing in this situation.
“Okay,” he says. “That’s okay, then.”
It’s so simple that it startles a laugh out of me, and I find his eyes again.
They’re crinkled at the corners, the very edge of a smile curling his lips.
He looks hopeful, actually, which is kind of the most insane reaction to this that I can imagine.
I don’t even have the energy to try to figure out what’s going through his head right now.
“Don’t worry about your job,” he tells me. “I’ll take care of it. Just rest, alright? Take care of you.”
Before I have a chance to question what that means, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and steps out of the room. I listen to his footsteps fade down the hall in shock, my gut churning with an unpleasant mix of guilt and affection.
All I can think to do is close the door again and fall back onto my bed.
The ceiling is as plain as ever, but I still trace my eyes over every inch of it, trying to find a hidden solution somewhere. As much as I hate it, it seems like the only thing to do is keep my head down and do my job.
I’ll finish this contract, and then I’ll do exactly what Jenny told me to. I’ll go back to the city, back to my apartment.
I’ll go back to being alone.