14. A Mistake
14
Foster
Fuck.
Hadley looks like she’s trying not to cry, and I can’t fucking take it. I feel like shit for hurting her feelings, and I need to fix this. Now.
“Hadley, look at me.”
Her eyes fall closed for a moment, then reopen before lifting from her lap to meet mine. Her eyes have that glassy look about them, and I curse silently, wanting to kick my own ass for putting that pain and humiliation in their dove gray depths.
“That kiss was utter perfection, but Hadley, I had to stop it.” She tilts her head, confusion spreading across her beautiful features. I blow a breath out through my nose. “You know why.”
Her chin drops, and a single tear escapes her left eye to track down her cheek. “Because you’re not attracted to me.”
She says the words as if they are fact, and disbelieving horror spreads through me. Reaching across the chasm between us, I take her hand, tangling our fingers together. Her skin is warm and soft, making me wonder what it would feel like to have her hands all over me.
“Is that what you really think?” I ask, and she doesn’t respond save for a tightening of her lips.
I lower my head, nodding forcefully toward my lap. Her eyes drop, then widen as she takes in the obvious ridge of my cock straining against my athletic pants. Her lips part on a gasp, and the breathy sound makes my shaft bounce in response. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips, and I groan as a fresh wave of lust shoots through me.
Her gaze zips back up to meet mine, and she looks even more confused than before. “Then…why?”
I swallow thickly, and her eyes track the movement of my Adam’s apple before moving back up to my face. I can’t pretend ignorance anymore. It’s time to put all our cards on the table.
“I heard what you said.”
Her forehead wrinkles, her blonde eyebrows dropping low over her eyes as her head jerks back. “What?”
“That night when you got drunk, and I was tucking you into bed. I heard you.”
I can practically see the wheels turning in her head, replaying the whole scene. The second realization dawns, her face blooms with a deep red blush. I want to kiss her cheeks, to feel that heat against my lips. But I resist the urge.
There’s a reason I stopped her earlier, and that reason remains.
“Oh, God,” she groans, covering her face with her hands.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I say gently, “but do you really want your first time to be with someone you’re not in love with? It should be special.”
Her hands drop from her face, and I’m not prepared for the anger stabbing at me from her eyes. That rose color on her cheeks no longer stems from embarrassment. It’s pure, unadulterated rage.
“That’s not your decision to make, Foster. It’s mine, and mine, alone. I decide how––and with whom––I want to lose my own damn virginity.”
My anger rises to match hers, and before I can stop it, I blurt, “I should have some say in the matter when you’re trying to use me to get rid of it.”
“Use you?” she gasps, her hand jerking out of mine violently.
She lunges to her feet, her breaths loud and choppy as she glares down at me with a heartbreaking mix of resolve and regret.
“Hadley, I’m––”
“This was a mistake,” she grits out before I can finish.
This time, I let her go when she spins around and marches out of the room. I watch her go, my anger dissolving as she disappears from sight.
“Fuck,” I mutter, rubbing a palm down my face.
I certainly made a mess of that.
I really like Hadley, and despite my intent to never get married, I want to get closer to her. I made the decision to lay everything on the table for her. Let her decide if something temporary with me is what she wants. And I was going to suggest we take things slow. Go on a real date. And if things go well, go out on a few more. Let things progress naturally.
But all my good intentions went straight to hell when she kissed me. The feel of her lips on mine and my body’s immediate reaction sent me into a state of panic, and I pulled away before I lost my mind completely and let my baser instincts rule my actions. And when I saw she was upset, I started backpedaling and tried to convince her the whole thing was a bad idea.
Why in all that is holy did I do that? It’s not what I want. Not what I need.
And that stupid comment about her using me slipped out without any actual forethought, but…could I have been right? Is Hadley using our isolation here together and my apparently obvious attraction to her to lose her virginity? Did she kiss me just to test the waters? To see if I’d be willing to divest her of it?
My chest aches at the thought, and I quickly discount it. She’s not the kind of person who’d do something like that. She’s decent and kind, and she kissed me because she wanted to kiss me. Nothing more.
I’m going to have to make this right. Apologize for insulting her and make sure our friendship is untainted by that whole scene. And maybe, if she forgives me for being such a dick, she’ll agree to a date.
After which, I’ll be able to kiss her again.
Shaking my head with a groan, I push the thought away as I climb to my feet. Picking up the paper plates, I stack them on top of the now-empty sandwich platter with the soda cans on top. I carefully balance the pile as I pick it up and grab the bowl of leftover chips before heading to the kitchen.
Throwing the trash away, I load the dishes into the dishwasher and wipe the counter clean of the crumbs Hadley left behind when she prepared this little picnic. When I’m satisfied with the cleanliness of the kitchen, I flick off the light and climb the stairs. I head for my room, then change direction at the last second, veering toward the door across the hall.
I lean in close, listening for any hint of movement, but nothing but silence greets my ears. I lift a hand to knock, then freeze. Letting my hand drop, I exhale roughly and spin around before shuffling into my own room and closing the door softly behind me.
I want to talk to her, but I know I should give her some time to cool off, first. In the morning, I’ll apologize for my idiotic accusation. I’ll convince her I didn’t mean it, and that I really want to take her out.
And maybe after a good night’s sleep, she’ll forgive me and give me a chance.
Yeah. Tomorrow.
“Shit.”
The curse bursts through my lips, and I turn back, preparing to go talk to Hadley now. The team leaves for Nebraska tomorrow morning. Our game against the Wardens is a big one, and coach decided to have us fly out early so we have plenty of time to prepare.
I stand there frozen for several beats, undecided. I want to talk to Hadley before I leave for four days, but I also want to give her the time she needs. Forcing her to talk to me now would be a huge mistake.
I sigh and head for my closet. I need to pack.
And hopefully, I’ll catch Hadley in the morning before I leave.