20. Ofelia #3
Seline gives me a remonstrative look. “Do not overreact. No card is bad in itself. For timing, the two of swords can be two weeks. But there is mental stress around this, a sense of indecision. Let us ask why.” She turns over another card and frowns.
“The eight of swords. It is you creating this indecision, Ofelia. The two of swords indicates that you will have a choice to make, while the eight indicates a feeling of being trapped, constrained somehow. Yet the constraint is only in your mind. You can free yourself any time you want. The real question is, why are you afraid to do so?”
My father’s face appears in my mind, followed immediately by Darya’s.
I imagine Alexei and me standing in front of them, trying to explain that we are together.
I see their twin expressions of pain, rage, and betrayal. Then I see Papa’s face shift from that first shock to hard, implacable fury. I close my eyes abruptly, unwilling to even think about what comes next.
“There are so many people this will hurt.” The fear comes from the place deep inside where I hid it during the time I was on the yacht.
“My father will never understand. And I’m not sure that my stepmother will ever forgive Alexei—or me.
” I frown, staring at the cards. “You said there is betrayal, but then you also say I will reunite with Alexei. Does that mean it’s him who betrays me, or that someone else betrays us both? ”
“Are you worried about somebody betraying your trust, if this relationship is discovered?”
“I can’t tell anyone the truth, Seline.” I hear the despair in my voice that perhaps, until now, I didn’t know I felt.
“I won’t put my friends in danger by telling them exactly where Alexei is or what his plans are.
And I can’t confide in my stepmother. It would be an impossible situation for Darya. ”
As I say the words, I know it’s true. Oddly, until this moment, I hadn’t thought much about confiding in her; but now, knowing I cannot, I feel an instant pang of loss, as well as a guilty sense of disloyalty.
Even if there’s a lot I’ve never told my stepmother about Alexei, I suppose deep down I’ve always assumed I would confide in her one day.
It’s only now sinking in that this is one thing I can probably never tell her.
It feels incredibly lonely, in a way I’d almost forgotten since she came into our lives.
“If Darya found out,” I say dully, “she would have to tell my father. And if Papa finds out . . .” I shake my head. “He’d lock me up and throw away the key,” I say quietly. “Not to mention he would probably kill Alexei.”
It’s not an understatement. But it might be the first time I’ve genuinely thought about it.
“Ah.” For once, Seline doesn’t look patronizing. She covers my hand with her own. “Family loyalties,” she says quietly, “are complicated. This, a Gypsy can understand.”
I give her a small smile. “I know you do, Seline. Thank you.”
“Yes.” She gives my hand a last pat, then reaches for her cards and turns a few over. “It is a woman,” she says slowly, staring at the card. “I can say that much about this betrayal. The High Priestess.” She frowns at the card. “A woman,” she repeats quietly, “that you thought you could trust.”
Lourdes? I feel a sudden sharp worry, like vertigo. She’s the only person who knows where I came from, who possibly even saw the Quantum Drift moored offshore.
“And the Page of Swords,” Seline is saying. She frowns at the cards on the table. “I would be very careful with electronic communication.”
I need that secure room.
I bite my lip in anxiety, the tension and constraints of secrecy hanging about me like a cloud.
“Two weeks, you said?” I feel like I can’t manage two days, let alone two weeks.
“Pardon?” Seline looks up from the table, her expression uncharacteristically somber.
“So is it two weeks until I see him again?” I know I sound desperate. And for once, I actually don’t care.
“Yes, perhaps.” She begins to gather up the cards.
“Something like this, but you know how cards are, not always so reliable with time. And also, do not forget that with the Hanged Man and the eight of swords, there is something here you are meant to learn, no? Only you can set yourself free, Ofelia. Nobody is coming to save you, as the saying goes. It is your job in this life to understand what is holding you back and to find the means of your own liberation. Do you understand?”
She gives me the familiar, rather stern look that signals a return to her counseling role.
“Yes,” I say obediently, “I understand.”
But the truth is that the reading has sent me spiraling, back into the vortex of doubt and darkness that has always infected any vision of my future with Alexei.
Seline covers my hand with her own. “I am here,” she says quietly, giving me a reassuring smile. “If you wish, we could meet again soon? I have time.” She smiles ruefully. “But not tonight, I am sorry.”
“Of course.” I force myself to smile. “Your hot date.”
“In the tunnels, no less!” She flashes her wicked smile, which lifts my spirits momentarily. “I will call you tomorrow, darling.”
I clutch her hand. “I would love that.” At the moment, tarot cards are like a lifeline, the only glimpse I can get of a future that feels horribly out of my control.
“Then we will talk tomorrow.” Seline stands up, squeezing my hand. “You are not alone, Ofelia.”
“Thank you.” I see her out with cheek kisses and smiles, but inside, I’m slipping back into an old, horribly familiar sense of hopelessness.
Even if Alexei and I find a way back to each other, even if I rejoin him on the yacht or in Miami, what kind of future can we genuinely look forward to, when everyone we both love will fight us every step of the way?