Chapter 32
That evening
As they’d come back through the portal, Claudio had asked for a couple of minutes to grab something from the Guard Hall he’d want tomorrow.
Matty had, in fact, been a little nervous about the two of them walking back through the streets together and what gossip it might cause, specifically.
So he’d said yes, obsessively tidied an already pristine flat, and waited.
Claudio turned up just about ten minutes after Matty got home, just as Matty was about to settle in and worry over how the evening had gone.
He pushed the door closed. Claudio set down his bag with a slightly odd clunk— something metal, inside.
Then Matty was unable to fuss because he was being soundly kissed up against the wall.
It was, to be fair, an excellent distraction.
Claudio might still be learning a number of the variations on kissing, but he was the fastest learner Matty had ever had the pleasure of spending time with.
He had a grand grasp on his own body and a precise attention to detail.
Specifically, what Matty seemed to prefer.
Now Claudio pushed back on one hand, putting his head far enough away that Matty could focus on him comfortably. “Mmm. That went exceedingly well. Or at least I think so, and I hope you do too? You all right? They were a lot.”
Matty let out a huff of breath that was half laughter. “You and your friends are terrifying together.” Then he caught himself. “Becoming my friends?”
“Oh, very much, yes. They were getting a feel for you, mind, and wanting to make sure I’m not getting myself into trouble.
But they liked you for you. Mind, I think it helps that Cammie gave a good report of you from your school days.
” Matty snorted at that, because he’d been entirely harmless as a student, and both he and Claudio knew it.
Then Claudio tilted his head. “What did Orion say to you before supper?”
Of course that was the first real question. Matty brought his hand up and nudged at the shoulder. “That’s a question for a more comfortable position.” He hesitated for just a second. “Bed, if you can stay for a little? An hour, I mean, I know you’ve got to get home. I can set an alarm.”
All their time was snatched, but Matty was also entirely clear that these visits to introduce Matty to Claudio’s people were time stolen from a dozen other things.
That was how the beginning of a project went.
Sooner than later, they’d be out of the flurried beginning and into the steady middle.
Steady infinite middle, he hoped, in this case, since he had no desire for an end.
“Ninety minutes.” Claudio said firmly. “Can’t possibly stay less than ninety minutes.”
Matty snorted and ducked under his arm to aim at the bedroom and the alarm.
He’d just set it when Claudio came up behind him.
The little clunk of the satchel by the bedroom door gave just the right amount of warning before there was an arm around him, and Claudio’s body— broader, stronger— behind him.
Matty leaned back into that, secure in it in a way that he barely understood, but certainly wanted to. It wasn’t restrictive or constraining, just insistently there. Then there was a kiss on his ear. “Orion?”
“Bed,” Matty said firmly. Both of them toed off their shoes and pulled off jackets and ties, leaving the rest to come off in some form later.
Then Matty settled on one side of the bed, head on his elbow.
“He—” Matty took a deep breath. “Orion earnestly wanted to check whether I was aware there’s an entire line of Boar House approaches to sex and magic.
He wanted to make sure that I could show you the best possible time.
Does he know someone who’d actually have that conversation?
Not that I’m asking for it! I don’t need it. Probably.”
Claudio had settled on his side, but the commentary had him toppling onto his back, laughing too hard to speak for a good thirty seconds. “All right, that’s nearly as good as Cammie explaining to me what he and Hypatia had got up to when I wasn’t paying attention for five minutes.”
They’d told that story over supper, and Matty had had to put his fork down to avoid spilling any of the food.
It had involved Orion’s tongue getting ahead of his brain, making it clear he found Hypatia beautiful as well as clever.
Five minutes later, the two of them had been in one of the huts, going at it fit to make the walls shake in rhythm.
That had been the part Claudio had come back to, with Cammie sitting on the wall outside and contemplating the timing.
He’d been completely and hilariously baffled.
Matty had had the pleasure of both Cammie's and Claudio’s perspectives on it over the meal.
And Orion and Hypatia’s combined bemusement, but absolutely owning their pleasure.
Matty shrugged. “We can save it as an option for later. Does he have some secret source I ought to know about, though?”
“Oh, pretty sure it’d involve Magni, who’d either have suitable materials or make a connection to someone who would.
” Claudio got a thoughtful expression on his face.
“Actually, I know who’d have the sort of sex and ritual magic collection I’d be interested in, but I’d have to figure out how to ask. That’s a tricky one.”
Matty must have looked confused because Claudio pushed himself upright.
“It’s one of those social dynamics problems where I’m actually fairly sure that the person would be delighted at the request. But getting into a place where I could ask is tricky without some awkward in the middle.
All the things that people don’t talk about where you can get a handle on them.
And me having picked up a few tidbits along the way, things that are public but not discussed. ”
“Mmm.” Matty was about to say something else, then he felt something he’d been trying to ignore. He pushed himself suddenly upright. “Pardon. Need a minute.” He didn’t want, couldn’t take this out on Claudio. “Need the loo.”
Claudio obligingly rolled off the side of the bed, deftly getting his feet under him.
It let Matty scramble out, and he fled for the far end of the flat and the loo.
Not because he entirely needed it, though cool water on his wrists would help.
But because it wouldn’t be here, he wouldn’t have to explain how everything suddenly hurt.
Once he was there, once the door was locked and warded and he’d managed to get the silencing charm up, he ran the water cold as he could.
He stuck his hands under and tried not to damage anything. Including himself.
It was a near thing. He wanted to hurt. He was shaking with rage and terror and fear, the surges of it overwhelming. It hadn’t been this bad for a while, only this was worse because it was the first time in ages it had happened with anyone else around. Claudio. Who had— no, that wouldn’t help.
The evening had been splendid. But it had been a splendid evening full of people caring, and amazing food, and a house so big it took ten minutes to walk from one end to the other.
It was all the things the Sisleys had that had been torn away from so many innocent people.
Even just the people, the way they’d supported and cared and been right there for their friends.
Logic said— he’d tried logic so many times on this, and it never worked— that it wasn’t their fault.
Not the Sisleys. Not Claudio. Not Cammie and Duncan and their daughter.
They’d even all been touched by the war in hundreds of ways, for all they’d come through it well enough in the end. A bit battered, certainly.
There was nothing for it but a bit of patience. Potions didn’t help. It just made it feel worse for longer. If he tried to sleep, there’d be the sort of nightmares that meant there might be dents in the wall in the morning unless he pulled the mattress onto the bedroom floor.
He was spiralling around, caught up in a maelstrom of guilt and shame.
All the shards of what he’d seen in files from people who’d been killed in the most horrible ways and by people who’d treated that precisely documented brutality almost casually.
There was no way out; there would never be any way out.
It was just going to be like this forever.
In Germany, he’d been able to fling himself into working all night until he was too tired to feel miserable about anything else. He couldn’t do that here.
Definitely, he lost track of time. He was leaning on the sink, hoping that it was sturdy enough that it wouldn’t collapse on him. The water was still running when there was a cautious voice from the other side of the door. Not a knock. Just the voice. “Hey.”
He wasn’t sure what Claudio sounded like.
His mind wasn’t processing anything like that sort of emotion or information right now, apparently.
He knew what would happen, though. There’d be some sort of pablum query, or Claudio saying he’d see himself out, and the sort of awkwardness they’d never recover from.
Well, not like Matty deserved to have good things.
Instead, there was the voice again. “Guessing the past caught up with you a bit? Made a pot of tea. There’s a calming potion next to it if you want it.
The standard one Penelopes carry, excellent quality.
I’m going to go sit on your sofa out of the way.
If you’d prefer I go home, just say the word. But I’d rather not.”