Vanessa #4
Russ counts the twenties and shoves them in his back pocket.
“I’ll let you know if your information pays off.
” He reaches out and grabs my wrist, squeezing it tightly.
“But Vanessa, next time you give me the information straight away. None of that trying to suss out if it’s legitimate bullshit. I’ll be the judge of that. Understood?”
“Yes,” I reply through gritted teeth.
I wrench my arm away and Russ turns on his heels, walking until he disappears around the corner.
I head back upstairs, knowing my mother is going to have questions for me.
When I open the apartment door, she’s dishing up the shchi into bowls.
Noel is sitting at the little table in the kitchen, and my mother places a dish in front of her.
She looks at me, and the worry is still clear as day on her face.
“Everything alright?” she asks.
“Of course.” I sit down at the table next to my sister and smile as she slurps the soup. “This looks amazing, Mom,” I say when she sets one of the bowls in front of me.
“Eat, eat,” she says.
“Are you going to join us?”
“I’m not very hungry,” she says. “But I’ll sit with my girls.”
The next hour goes by too fast. My mom picks at the pryaniki but doesn’t take more than a couple of bites. When Noel gets up from the table to work on her project a bit more, I stand and start clearing the dishes from the table.
“What did Russ want?” my mom asks when my hands are full of dirty bowls and plates.
I knew this was coming.
“Nothing really. He wanted rent and to see how I was faring in Shine,” I say with a light tone as I walk into the kitchen.
“That boy has never cared about how any person other than himself is ‘faring,’ Vanessa. Don’t try to lie to me.”
I drop the bowls in the sink and turn the water on to start washing them since the dishwasher only works half the time and I’m used to doing them by hand at this point.
“I’m handling it, Mom.” Frankly, I’m getting a little irritated that she’s questioning me on this.
“Handling what?” she persists.
I throw the soapy sponge in the sink as my frustration bubbles to the surface and turn to face her.
“What you couldn’t. Handling making sure we have food on the table.
Handling making sure we have a roof over our heads.
Handling this bullshit life that you married into—but for some reason, even though your husband is dead, we can’t seem to get out of. ”
My mother stares at me with shock on her face.
I’ve never held any of this against her.
I simply put my head down and did what was needed.
I didn’t have time to complain or cry about this shitty situation we found ourselves in when her second husband died.
I had a little sister and a mom who could barely get out of bed for a year.
Tears fill my mother’s eyes. “I never wanted this for you or Noel. I’m sorry. I don’t know…”
I’ve never shown my mom my anger, allowed her to see my frustration that she couldn’t be the mother we needed.
And now I hate myself for making her cry.
Walking over to her, I kneel next to her chair and place my hand in hers.
“Shh. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen.
But I’m taking care of it. I’m going to get you and Noel out of here.
I don’t know how or when, but by this time next year we’ll be sipping Mai Tais on a beach far away from New York. ”
“I’ve never lived anywhere else,” she says with a trembling chin.
“It will be a new adventure. And Noel can grow up not having to worry about the Bratva or her asshole half brother.”
My mom grabs a tissue from the box behind her and wipes her eyes.
“I’ve never thanked you. I know you had to grow up fast after Lev died.
I didn’t know what to do when your father died.
I was alone and the money he left wasn’t going to last long.
Lev was kind to me, and when he took a liking, I thought maybe we’d be okay financially for a while until I could figure it out.
I didn’t expect to get pregnant, and I didn’t expect him to leave his wife.
It all happened so fast, and I didn’t feel like I had a choice in any of it. ”
“Mom, you did the best you could, and I’m doing the same. Hopefully with a different outcome.”
She nods, and I look behind her at the clock on the wall. “Hey, I have to get going. I put some money in your jewelry box. Make sure you hide it somewhere safe, okay?”
My mom places her hand on my cheek, her eyes still filled with tears. I don’t bother telling her that there’s no use crying over our lives. It sure as hell never did me any good. “Thank you, sweet girl. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I pray to any god listening that she’ll never have to find out.
When I say goodbye to my little sister and head down the stairs, the afternoon sun warms my face as I step outside.
This is fine. Everything will be fine.
I slide my sunglasses over my eyes and head around the corner to where I parked my car, ready to get back on the road and continue with this bullshit charade Russ is forcing on me.
Leaning against the driver’s side door is a six-three biker with a look on his face that says I’m in trouble.
Okay…maybe everything isn’t fine.