Chapter Two #2
“I’ll try,” I said, but the lie sat heavily in my stomach.
The truth was, I couldn’t bear seeing anyone from the horse world these days.
Horse sports were our family’s entire lives, our livelihoods, but I was honest enough with myself to say that the industry was as toxic as it was beautiful, and the gossip mill was unrivaled.
I knew I was top of conversation in most circles.
Even the many scandals that arose in our sport couldn’t compete with my quick exit from the circuit and my past year and a half of reclusiveness.
Just stepping foot out at a show, Forrest’s or not, would garner more attention than I could be arsed with.
That, and it physically hurt me to be there and not compete.
Jumping was all I knew. Not doing it anymore felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped away from me.
Seeing people jumping, or even just riding, was like being repeatedly shot in the chest.
The smell of tonight’s dinner drifted down the hallway, shaking me from my depressing thoughts.
Our home was stately and boasted the most incredible and historic banquet hall.
But we cousins preferred our small, informal family/dining room for family dinners.
One where we didn’t have to shout down the table to talk to one another.
We might be rich and privileged, but we weren’t pompous arseholes having five-course, silver-service meals every night.
I was sad to say that nerves swam in my stomach as we approached the family room.
Forrest side-eyed me at the door. “They’re your blood,” he reminded me, and I exhaled a long, calming breath.
He thought I was nervous because I’d kept myself away for months.
But it was more than that. Every time I saw Atticus’s smiling face, or worse, Felix’s scarred one, I felt like I was letting them down.
Even worse when it came to Genny. I could barely meet her eyes without wanting to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness.
Forrest walked through to the dining room, and keeping my head down, I followed.
“Well, I bloody never!” I heard Atticus say in his loud-as-fuck voice.
“Is this a ghost I’m seeing? A mirage? Felix, am I dehydrated?
” I looked up to see Atticus dramatically grab hold of Felix’s arm.
“Did I take a kick to the head at training today? Did Barnaby throw me and I’m in some kind of trauma-induced dream? ”
“All right, Atti,” I said and shook my head. “For fuck’s sake. You can shut up now.”
His brown eyes danced as he flew across the room, wrapping his arms around me and lifting me off the floor. “It’s good to see you, Jas!” he said.
“Put me down, you dick, before I make you,” I said.
Atticus lowered me down, but his famous, too-charming grin remained. “Ah, there he is! It’s not a good day unless you’re threatening me!”
Despite my best efforts, I huffed a laugh at my ridiculous youngest cousin. Forrest and I leaned more serious. Atticus? He was a shit-stirrer, a joker, and a tornado of energy, all rolled into one.
Atticus leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my head.
Being the youngest, he was also—annoyingly—the tallest of us all.
He was six-five, with dark floppy hair and eyes so brown they looked almost black.
To say he was a ladies’ man was an understatement.
He was as much a horny stallion as the treasured horse he rode.
Atticus moved before me, really studying me. “Shit, Jas. You look awful.” He smiled wider. “You’ve lost your looks.” He clenched his fists. “Yes! That means even more pussy for me.”
Forrest sputtered. “If you’re not careful, little brother, your dick will fall off from overuse,” he said, slapping his younger brother on the back of his head on the way past. “And keep your sex life to yourself. You humping away breathlessly over a line of random women is an image I never want to think of.”
Atticus flexed his arm, showing his muscles through his tightly fitted shirt. “Breathlessly?” Atticus questioned, scowling. “I’m the fittest here, in both looks and endurance.” He smiled widely. “And I’ll have you know I fuck like a god.”
Forrest ran a hand down his face. He looked to Felix, who was watching in quiet amusement from his place leaning against the stone fireplace. “Get your boy under control before I muzzle him, Felix.”
Felix shook his head and walked toward me. Atticus and Felix were as close as Forrest and I were. Felix held out his hand to me and pulled me close when I offered mine back. With a tight hug, he said, “I’m glad to see you, Jas. Missed you.”
I pulled back and studied Felix. His hair was longer these days, falling to his chin in waves and shielding his face.
He was as big and imposing as ever. His scar ran down the entire left side of his cheek.
He was lucky he hadn’t lost his eye in the accident.
Instead, our already introverted middle cousin grew quieter, and we hadn’t been able to bring him back out of his shell.
The door that led to the family kitchen opened, and Geraldine, our housekeeper, popped her head through. “Five minutes, boys!” she shouted, then her eyes widened when they landed on me. “Jasper! It’s so lovely to see you, sweetheart!” Her smile was warm and made me feel like a child again.
Geraldine was in her midseventies and had long since been asked to retire with a very comfortable retirement package. But we Knightons were her entire life, and she refused to leave. I’d be lying if that didn’t make me happy. This place would lose its heart without her.
“Looking good, Geraldine,” I said.
She came toward me, batting away the compliment. She hugged me close, then kissed me on my cheek. In her usual blunt way, she said, “You need a shower and a good shave, my boy. You look terrible.”
I laughed, then nodded. “I’ll get right on that, Geraldine.
” She nodded happily, then rushed back into the kitchen.
At this point, Geraldine was the only parental figure most of us had left.
My uncle Edward—Forrest, Felix, and Atticus’s dad—died of cancer when we were younger.
Their mother now resided in Jersey, one of the Channel Islands, and rarely came to visit.
She had never liked it here at Golden Oaks and actively avoided it.
“Jas?” My heart stuttered as my sister’s voice came from behind me, only to fall when I saw her enter the room in her wheelchair.
“Genny,” I said, and rushed over to her. She held out her arms, and I wrapped myself around her.
Mouth meeting my ear, she said, “I’m just too tired from physio to use my crutches tonight. Don’t panic.” I squeezed my sister hard, then pulled back. “I could read the worry in your face.”
I blew out a long breath. I would never look at Genevieve and not feel guilty, but I was happy she was improving with her daily physio.
Her chances of walking again unaided were fifty-fifty.
But as I looked at her light-brown hair and blue eyes, she looked really well.
I wasn’t sure if that meant anything. We Knightons were good at masking our pain.
“Here we go!” Geraldine’s voice came through the kitchen. I helped Genny take her place at the table beside me. My cousins all sat on the opposite side. I glanced to the chair beside Genny.
“Where is . . .” I went to say, when the door to the dining room opened and Leon rushed through.
“Sorry I’m late!” he said and quickly took his seat next to Genny.
He dropped a kiss on her cheek, then did a double take when he saw me at the table too.
“Jasper!” he said and leaned behind Genny to offer me his hand.
When I shook it, he said, “It’s so good to see you, man.
” His eyes brightened. “Ready for training again yet? It’s not too late for this season. ”
I laughed at his vain attempt to get me back on the team.
Since I’d stepped back, he hadn’t once stopped trying to get me back on board.
“I’m not coming back, Leon.” I pointed at Forrest, who was busy yanking the serving bowl of mashed potatoes back off Atticus before he consumed the lot. “This one forced me to come to dinner.”
Forrest raised an eyebrow at me but was completely unapologetic by the shrug of his shoulders. Genny’s hand landed on my arm. “I’m glad he did.” Her eyes looked sad when she said, “I miss you. We all do.”
I leaned over and kissed the side of her head. Genny then turned to Leon. “Were you busy today?”
“I’ve been organizing the new show jumping horses for tomorrow.
This season’s riders have arrived, and we’ll assign them their mounts in the morning.
” I listened to Leon, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy in my chest. “I’ve been studying past competitions to observe the riders’ styles, see anything that we particularly need to work on.
” Leon nodded his head enthusiastically.
“They look good. I think they’ll be a great addition to our team. ”
Leon was the best show jumping trainer on the planet, bar none. He had been here at Golden Oaks since a teen as a boarding rider and was an excellent competitor. But he chose the trainer route, and I thank God he did. I was the rider I was because of him. Same for Genny, Atticus, and Forrest.
“Hallie Oakley and Sage—”
“Miller,” Atticus blurted, finishing my sentence for me. All eyes fell on my youngest cousin. A wide smile stretched on his face. “Sage fucking Miller.”