Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Monroe
Ilock the door before going to bed. It’s a minor detail, one that’s surely unnecessary, but it’s a boundary that needs to be set.
Things between Jase and me were confusing as it was, and now that we nearly slept together again—now that his lips once again touched mine and I felt his hands against my skin—things are so much worse.
He made me come in a matter of minutes, faster than I ever had, and the way it felt so perfect and real, scared the hell out of me.
Not only because it felt like it was meant to happen, like he was the only man who was supposed to taste me, but because of how much I wanted it to be real.
I wanted that to be my normal. For him to be mine, and for that to be a daily occurrence.
I knew adding a romantic relationship to everything we're already struggling to make sense of, whether it’s just casual sex or something more, would be like setting lighter fluid to an already ravaging fire in the middle of the wilderness.
I truly can’t survive another night of having him close, his fingers touching me, his lips so close to mine.
From just his nearness, I could almost taste the liquor on his breath. It was a scent that set me ablaze, like a wildfire that ravaged the entire city and burned for days, taking countless lives and memories with it.
I can’t let Jase’s fire consume me the way I know it will, because Jameson King never does things halfway. When he does something, he puts his entire soul into it. If I let him, I know he will make me and this baby his entire world. That isn’t something I’m sure I’m ready for.
His words ring loud like an alarm blaring in my mind. How am I not supposed to fall for you, Moonshine?
The real question is how can I become someone’s entire world when I don’t know how to reciprocate the feeling?
Love is a concept I struggle to comprehend.
Now, I have my baby to think about. Figuring out a way to love them unconditionally, I’m not sure if my heart can handle anyone else.
It’s a characteristic my family and friends always pride me on.
My sheer ability not to let my past dictate who I am to others.
I grew up in a loveless family. I had two parents who couldn't care less about me, yet I love my friends more than anything in this world. I love my brothers, even those who ignored me for most of their lives, but that seems more of an obligation because they’re the only ones who’ve been there for me than truly understanding the depth of what I feel.
I love this town even when it can be so cruel, but it's the only home I know. I will love this baby with everything I have, and deep down, I know my subconscious thoughts about whether I am worthy to become a mother are threatening to drag me into a dreary place.
Worst of all, I knew I could love Jase if I allowed myself to, and tonight, tonight felt like I almost had.
My phone chimes on the nightstand, and I close my eyes tighter in response.
I’ve been lying in bed for thirty minutes, tossing and turning, replaying the last few night’s events repeatedly in my head.
Magnolia, implying Indigo might stay for longer than anyone expected.
The way Jase sat nervously staring down at the untouched food on his plate instead of acknowledging the fact that having his ex-girlfriend sitting next to him was fucking insane.
Or worse, how I blatantly lied that Jase and I had been in a relationship and sleeping in the same bed since the day I moved in.
Then, I did the same thing again, lying to my brothers and best friends.
I don’t know what came over me when I said it.
I just knew I couldn’t stand Indigo flirting so blatantly with Jase in front of me.
Whether or not Jase and I are in a relationship, I’m pregnant with the man’s baby, and she’s recently broken off her engagement.
I can put two and two together. I’m not stupid.
Knowing who it’ll be when I pick up, I ignore the ringing and let the call go to voicemail.
I know we said things would be different, but we were only kidding ourselves.
I almost had sex with Jameson King again.
I let him kiss me, touch me—the man went down on me for God's sake, and I almost let him do so much more. I wanted him to, but I knew it wasn’t something either of us was ready for.
Instead, I ran out of there like a scared little girl.
The look on his face nearly killed me. He watched me walk away as if he’d done something wrong, but it was my own insecurities that had me running back into the safety of my locked bedroom.
A knock sounds on the door and instantly my heart races in my chest, my breathing unsteady as I brace myself for what will come next.
“I know you’re in there, Monroe. Please open the door. We need to talk.”
What I need is distance. A moment of clarity without being subjected to his heat.
To the way his eyes show so much emotion when he smiles.
A smile so genuine and kind, it makes me feel all fluttery inside when it’s aimed my way.
From the moment I moved in with him, I’ve become a pile of mush anytime he smiles in my direction.
It’s stupid, I know. I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of girl. I’m tough on the outside, at least as much as I hope to be on the inside.
Tonight, I didn't just blur the lines between us, I all but erased them. But they need to be redrawn and kept in place. Not only for my sake, but for my baby’s.
My silence continues, afraid that if I get up and open the door, I will completely crumble to pieces before him. I’ll have no restraint and will give myself over to him without hesitation.
“Moonshine, please,” he begs, and I know exactly what he’s doing using the nickname he’s given me. The one that makes my heart skip a beat anytime he uses it.
“Fuck,” I curse to myself. They were not kidding about these pregnancy hormones turning you into a complete puddle of raw feeling and emotions you have no control over.
I never spoke to Jase about how I felt after our night together in Miami.
Not about how I’ve been feeling since I moved in and have spent countless hours by his side.
I knew he must have felt it in my actions, in the way I was trying to distance myself a little more during our shared meals, sitting across from him at the dinner table rather than beside him as we talked about our day.
I knew he felt it in the way I excused myself to bed, simply walking out of the room in a hurry to get away.
But these past few nights, I’ve forgotten all about that. I’ve allowed him to get close, to see past the walls I built in the first place to keep me safe and prevent me from getting hurt. Here I am, locked in my bedroom, hiding from the man who’s trying to convince me I've been wrong all along.
He cares about me. He wants this between us to be real, but I can't help the lingering doubt creeping in my head at the reminder that his ex-girlfriend is still here and she wants him back.
I can hear Jase wiggling the doorknob, but he stays quiet, knowing I need my space.
Tonight was a lot. We’ve been living together for so little time and I can already feel my resolve crumbling.
It’s become an unspoken rule in the house that we’ve grown accustomed to each other at arm's length and not allowing each other to get too close.
I know Jase for the man he is, not who I assumed he was—a playboy.
A man who thought so highly of himself simply because everyone adored him.
It wasn’t his fault, but with me, he’s become someone I don’t recognize. I know if I let him get close, that will be it. I will fall in love with a man who’s not mine to keep, and worse, he might fall in love with me too. I’m not ready for that now, not sure I’ll ever be.
I’ve avoided Jase for five days because I think I’m falling for the father of my baby.
It sounds ridiculous to be afraid of something that so many would call a blessing, but I honestly don’t know what’s preventing me from seeing it that way.
It’s like there’s a part of me that can’t get past the thought that things won’t work out between us and we may end up regretting our actions more than if we stayed just friends.
Why ruin the friendship?
The answer is obvious, because it has the potential of being so much more, or completely blowing up in our faces.
I’ve spent every day since then hiding out in my office, working when the business is technically closed until the new year.
I’ve spent the rest of the evenings hiding out at Billie’s apartment as we finalize the details for tomorrow night's New Year's Eve Bash at Stingers. Since the speed dating mixer was such a hit, Bailey couldn’t miss the opportunity to throw an equally incredible celebration.
Besides, Theo owes the town a private concert since his performance at the harvest festival was overshadowed by the revelation of my pregnancy, my relationship with Jase and all the family drama.
However, today, there’s no more hiding out like a pathetic little girl who can’t face the consequences of her actions.
I quietly head down the stairs, my head throbbing from lack of sleep. I must have gotten all but twelve hours of sleep in the last three nights, and I should have stayed in bed, but my stomach is rumbling so loudly and painfully, I think I might die if I don't eat something.
I tug my robe snug around my body, fluffy pink slippers I got as a gift from Billie on my feet, as I head towards the kitchen, dying to have another cup of hot coffee. It was cold last night, a lot colder than it’s been, which only proves this will be a brutal winter in the coming months.