Liz
Jax’s apartment was everything I’d dreamed of when I moved to New York.
My family was originally from Washington. My mother was a retired schoolteacher, and my father worked with some manufacturer. He ended up getting a job opportunity, which led to the move.
Back then, that was a big deal. It meant a pay raise. It meant we'd live a nice, comfortable life and own a house with a view of the city. It meant we could be happy.
But I didn’t know everything.
My parents’ relationship had always been strained. She was in charge of everything house-related and me—which, without any siblings, meant I was her full-time job—while he brought home the money.
As a teenager, instead of seeing the move as something that would ruin my life, I’d been eager to get away from the boring and the rainy and come to exciting New York City.
I didn't have many friends in Washington, so I could make new ones. I imagined a life where people liked me. One where I didn't have to spend all my time with a mother constantly in my business, making sure I was the most perfectly well-raised girl.
Just like many others, that dream came crashing down because my mother and I were going to stay upstate while my father lived in the city for work and sent money back.
It made my mother even lonelier. When I was in high school, I realized he had gotten laid off, and he was happy to stay away from his family. I didn’t see him more than a few times a year.
At that point, it had become glaringly obvious that my parents weren't really meant to be together, no matter how much my mother tried. And it left me stuck in that depressing house, yearning for love and attention. Which was probably why it was so easy to get attached to someone like my ex.
I shook my head, trying to get rid of all the memories. Trying to stay in the present.
The problem was that I was standing at the window of Jax’s two-bedroom apartment, looking at the exact view I’d dreamed about over and over… and I was starting to feel like I was back in that teenage body. Only now I was really living the life I’d dreamed of.
You’re not. This is not your house. This is temporary.
Catching Jax’s reflection in the glass brought me back to the here and now.
Especially since she wasn't wearing a bra with that sinful white tank top that barely came to her belly button, and her nipples were pushing through the thin fabric.
And those sweats were so low on her hips it would just be one easy tug before they came off.
Yes, we’d both changed into more casual clothes. Only she was killing me while I was wearing a casual T-shirt and lounge pants.
“I think you need this,” she said, coming up to me with a glass of wine.
Good girl. The praise was on my lips, but I didn't let it slip out.
I leaned against the back of the couch, turning to look at her.
“How long will I have to stay here?”
“What? Is it not to your liking?”
I rolled my eyes and took the glass of wine. My eyes went back to the window. I didn’t think I'd ever get bored of it. The glittering lights. The traffic going below us. We were so high up that we couldn't hear it anymore, but I could see it. Even so late at night, the city was still moving.
“If you don't like it, we can move to my house upstate. It’s much bigger than this, and I recently had it fully renovated—”
“Not upstate.”
I cringed at the mention of it. I would do anything to stay away from that place. Away from my parents. Away from his.
The chances we’d run into each other were small, but not zero.
And I couldn't subject myself to that. Not after the divorce.
Not after I realized that not one person was on my side, no matter how awful he was.
It had been my fault the marriage failed.
I had not put enough work into it. I had been a bad mother. I had been a bad wife.
I could feel it weighing me down again even now. The pressure. The loneliness.
And then the apartment… One of the few things I got before we separated and kept during the divorce.
He ruined it.
Just like that. Just on a whim.
Now it would never feel safe to go back to the one place that gave me a freedom I'd always yearned for.
I tried to stifle down the emotions with a sip of wine, but I couldn't. And, of course, Jax caught that right away.
“Hey, what’s wrong? I promise I won't mention upstate again.”
I hadn't realized I had started crying until her fingers gently wiped my tears away right before she took up the space in front of me and took the glass from my hand.
“I-I can't believe he's doing this,” I said in a small voice. I didn't want her to see me like this. Weak. Unable to take care of myself. A crying mess. I tried to hold it in. “I'm fine. Sorry. It's just been a—”
“You're obviously not fine.”
She placed my glass on a small table a few feet away from us before appearing back in my line of sight. Her hands were so light as they held my face.
“I'm sorry I—”
“You don't need to be sorry. He’s the one who should be sorry. He’s acting irrationally. Like a child. And, unfortunately, you're the one who gets the brunt of it. I messed up. I should've had people waiting there. We will not make that mistake again.”
I shook my head, but I couldn't push her away. I didn't want to. Her warmth was seeping into me.
How long has it been since someone touched me this gently?
“But it's never going to end, is it?”
Her face twisted. “It will if I have anything to say about it.”
My eyes took in her face. Her dark hair. Her sincere eyes. The tattoos that littered her skin.
She was so goddamn handsome. And it just made me all the angrier.
“Why did you buy me? Why didn't you tell me who you were?” My voice cracked at the end.
Why did you give me the best night of my life if you knew it wasn’t going anywhere?
I wanted more. I wanted her.
And part of me… blamed her for making me want. I'd gone so long without feeling… this.
The need for her was pushing me off balance. Maybe if she weren’t involved in this now and I didn't have the threat of my daughter finding out hanging over my head, I would actually be able to handle this.
But it was all too much.
Her mask cracked for a moment.
“Liz, I… It was a mistake not to tell you. But trust me when I say that you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever met. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I don't want you to think this was some… impulsive decision for me. It was selfish, but not impulsive.”
Her words only stoked the fire inside me.
My breath caught.
“Is that it? I'm hot?”
Her lips twisted into a smile.
“You’re beyond hot. You're my dream girl.
You know what you want, and you're not afraid to take it. You're kind. You care for your daughter and for your workers. You’re a fucking badass. And even in the face of these horrible things, you're still holding on, and you still have a smile for everyone around you. You’re selfless. And I have a feeling no one has ever told you so.” She slowly started getting on her knees.
“Or shown you. Will you let me make it up to you, Mommy?”
“I'm not selfless,” I whispered as my hand found her hair.
“You are,” she said, and let her hands roam up the side of my thighs. “Let me be selfish for both of us.”
She looked so pretty on her knees for me. I couldn't deny how much I wanted her. And I couldn't deny how fake the life around me had seemed until now. How this was exactly what I'd always wanted.
So why couldn't I have it?
I deserve this. After everything. I can take a little bit of this and be selfish, right?
She must have seen the hesitation in my face because she got up.
“Sorry. It’s too much, isn’t it? It’s late. I’ll leave you—”
“Jax.”
She took in a sharp breath. I looked up to meet her gaze, but instead of the need-filled one I expected, there was understanding and… regret?
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m being selfish. Too selfish. Today was hard for you. I thought I could maybe take your mind of things, but I didn’t realize it—”
“I didn’t say you could get up.”