Chapter 18
K
Henry gave me two days off to recover before we leave for the Kremlin Cup in Moscow.
It’s my last event of the season, so I’ve spent these past few days with Miss Annie, catching up with school and getting a daily well-deserved sports massage with my physical therapist. That’s helped get my mind off my conflicting feelings for Henry and my breakup with Liam. It still tugs at my heart so bad.
It’s been a struggle not to slip back into the familiar, toxic rhythm Liam and I had fallen into for nearly ten months. The constant breaking up and making up. But this time feels different. Final.
The sadness comes in waves, each one reminding me of what we had and how hard it is to let go.
I keep biting it back and reeling it in, because deep down, I know this is the right thing.
Still, that doesn’t change how much I love and care about him.
Or how much I’m going to miss him. My heart knows it.
Having Henry around all the time has proven to be a delicate kind of torture. Trying to decipher my feelings for him and battling the urge to sit next to him and talk about anything takes up most of my day. I know I need to give him some space to forget about seeing me drunk at the party.
To forget about our kiss.
I know I’ve tried and failed to pretend it didn’t happen.
The China Open wrecked my confidence, but I’ve been holding on to the incredible feeling of knowing Neel Ultex wants me back.
It’s made me realize I should appreciate the good things I’ve accomplished in my tennis career and how lucky I am to have such a solid support system behind me, sponsors included. I’ll never take that for granted again.
I’ll be good and do my best to set an example for young players while enjoying myself in the process.
Henry seems to be enjoying his time off, too. He’s spent it reading his novels around the apartment, going for long runs, and hitting the gym—a convenient way to ignore me.
As I struggle through my calculus homework on the phone with Miss Annie because I am not in the right headspace to understand shit, Henry walks into the apartment, drenched in sweat. Robbie trails behind him, his face blotchy and red.
“Thanks for the workout, man,” Robbie says, patting Henry’s back. “Hey, Carmen!”
She greets him back, and he jerks his chin at me before disappearing into his bedroom.
Robbie’s been acting weird since last Saturday. I already asked Gemma what he wanted to talk to her about when he picked me up from her place, but she said it was just a few questions about her dad’s company since he’s planning to apply for the internship soon.
Knowing Robbie, he’s overstressing about it.
I made him promise not to tell Dad about me drinking at the party, but I know my secret’s safe.
He knows I’ve got plenty of his own up my sleeve.
Not that I needed to remind him. He knows exactly what I know, and none of it is terrible, just the stuff any parent would rather not hear about their college-age son.
The partying, the drinking, the occasional girl sneaking into the apartment.
“Hey, Bells,” Henry says, heading toward the kitchen.
I greet him with a jerk of my chin, tapping my pencil’s eraser against my notebook as he maneuvers around Carmen, who’s busy making lunch. He says something that makes her laugh, grabs a glass from the cabinet, and fills it with water from the fridge dispenser.
“Still there, Belén?” Miss Annie asks over the phone.
“Ah, yes. Sorry.”
I’m a lost cause. Too distracted, too in my head to focus.
I tell her I’ll call back later.
Henry sits across from me at the dining table and takes a long drink from his water. This is the closest he’s been to me since Tony drove us back from Montclair.
I bite my lower lip, forcing my eyes back to my notebook. Who am I kidding? I can’t focus. Not with him sitting right there, all sweaty and running a hand through his unruly hair before sliding his red Yankees hat back on.
Ugh.
“What are you working on?” he asks casually.
“Calculus,” I say, looking at him. “And I freaking hate it.”
I let out a frustrated chuckle and toss my pencil on the table.
“You keep glaring at that notebook like it personally offended you,” he says with a raised brow. “Want some help?
I snort out a laugh because he’s not wrong. “Sure.”
He moves to sit next to me, his pheromones practically mocking me.
“Let’s see …” Henry picks up the pencil and scans the exercises on my notebook. He quickly points out a few errors and explains how to fix them.
I nod and mumble, “Mhm,” a few times, but math isn’t my thing. Never has been, never will be. I’ve made my peace with that.
“Try it yourself …” Henry hands me the pencil and slides the notebook in front of me.
All I see is a mess of scrambled numbers that make absolutely no sense. He can probably tell because he chuckles softly under his breath.
“I’m sorry,” I say, tapping the pencil against the table.
“It’s okay. It really is simpler than it seems. Look, you could also do it this way if—”
“For kissing you,” I cut him off. Our eyes meet, and the tension between us sharpens.
I mean it. I am sorry I kissed him and for the distance it’s put between us.
He exhales slowly through his nose before glancing at Carmen, who’s still clueless about our conversation.
“Follow me.” He stands and leads me to his bedroom. I step inside, and he closes the door behind us.
Henry has finally made himself at home. At first, everything looked temporary, like he could pack up and leave at a moment’s notice. But now his things are everywhere, blending in with the few items my parents left behind.
It seems like he’s decided to settle in, and I’m not mad about it.
“Listen …” I begin, but the words feel heavy.
Henry sits on the bed, and I take a seat beside him. Not too close, but not too far either.
“I know I messed up. And I know you’re still angry about seeing me drunk. I get it. You’ve told me how hard it was dealing with your dad, and I promise it won’t happen again.”
I sigh, tucking my hair behind my ears. The next part is harder to say, but I have to.
“I’m sorry it happened the way it did.” I blow out a defeated breath.
“It was out of place. I was still with Liam, even if I’d already made up my mind about ending things.
I put you in an uncomfortable position, and I regret that, too.
” I swallow hard and meet his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you again.
I don’t want that kiss to cost us something real. ”
“You won’t,” he says. “I can’t lose you either. I wouldn’t allow it. But I might not be as good or righteous as you think I am.”
That stops me.
“I’m not sorry I kissed you,” he admits, making me frown. “I know I initiated it, but I got … carried away. I’m sorry.”
“No, Henry. I …” I shake my head, confused. “I kissed you.”
“No, Bells. You didn’t,” he says with a soft chuckle. “But you sure as hell kissed me back.”
He smiles, and the butterflies in my stomach go haywire.
We stare at each other for a long moment as I try to dig through the hazy memories of that night.
I remember the feeling of kissing him all too well.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. If I let myself linger on that fleeting moment, it still makes my bones vibrate.
But the memory is incomplete. I don’t know who leaned in first. Not that it matters much, anyway.
“I should’ve known better,” he says, looking away.
“I don’t mind,” I say quickly, like that might stop him from spiraling.
“You should,” he says, standing up and beginning to pace.
“Your dad would kill me if he found out. I can’t break his trust. Joe gave me a chance to start over.
He’s helped my family in ways I can’t begin to explain.
He entrusted me with your tennis career, and the second you’re vulnerable, we’re kissing? ”
He stops and looks right at me.
“Henry—”
“It can’t happen again.”
My lower lip trembles, so I bite down on it to make it stop. The emotions hit me hard, but I can’t let Henry notice. My heart wants to throw a tantrum, but my head knows better. Knows that my friendship with him and his presence in my life matter more than anything else.
“Bells, you know how much I care about you,” he says, dropping his hands in front of him, the weight of defeat settling in his posture. “Breaking up with Liam was the right call. And I won’t lie; the news made me happy. You know, for personal reasons.”
He squats in front of me, leveling his gaze with mine.
“You were starting to lose your edge out there, and I could tell Liam had something to do with it. But that doesn’t mean your relationship didn’t matter. You’re still dealing with the breakup. I know you, and I know you’ve been crying.”
I keep forgetting how well Henry knows me. I can’t hide from him. And he’s not wrong. But no matter how much I try to reason with myself, I feel something whenever he’s around. And it’s only getting stronger with time.
“It would be selfish and greedy for me to want more than our friendship,” he says. “Your relationship with Liam was already costing you your focus, and you saw how it affected your performance in China. How it led you to that party, trying to wash the frustration away with a few drinks.”
Henry exhales sharply, disappointment laced in every breath. “You and I …” He waves a limp hand between us. “We can’t be careless when it comes to drinking.”
“But—”
He cuts me off again, holding up a hand. The words die in my throat.
“I made Joe a promise, Bells. You’ve got great things going for you.
You’re on the right path. Big sponsors are backing you up.
You’re young, healthy, and just getting started.
And I won’t be the one to fuck that up for you.
Not if I can help it. So I refuse to get in the way because there’s nothing you want more in life than tennis. And you know it.”