19. Priestley #2
“They do, though.” He shrugs.
I have an irrational hatred for this Elias guy and nothing Jamie can say will sway me otherwise.
“So, they’re your best friends at school, then? Travis and Joelle?”
He shrinks in on himself. “I do make an effort with my fraternity brothers.”
“I’m sure you do.” I try to sound soothing, but he continues to make himself small. Everything about his body language is defensive and on edge. He looks how I imagine I look when having lunch with our father. It breaks my heart.
“Jamie, I’m not here to admonish you. I’m not Father.”
“I know,” he says meekly.
The food arrives and he picks at it like a bird. I flinch at memories of Father chastising him at the dinner table while Jamie shrunk deeper and deeper into himself.
He’s quiet, and I wonder if he’s frightened to say the wrong thing, the way I am around Father.
Once we’re out in the parking lot, I find it impossible to keep this up.
“Jamie,” I say, turning to him. He looks stricken, like I’m about to shout at him. When have I ever shouted at him? But of course, you don’t need to shout at someone to make them feel talked down to. Father does it to me all the time.
“I just want you to know …” I clear my throat. God, why is this so hard. “I … love you.”
His eyebrows shoot up. Surely I’ve told him this before? No? Well, wasn’t it implied?
“Is everything okay?” he asks.
“Yes, of course. Can’t I tell my brother I love him?”
“Are you sick? Is Mom sick?”
“No, no one’s sick.”
I try my best to keep my frustration in check. Getting visibly annoyed right now is not going to help.
To my surprise, my brain jumps to, What would Will do with his brother right now?
I cast my mind back to Will with his little brother. Or Will with his dad. How did he act around them? How did they make their relationship look so natural? So loving and relaxed?
I reach out, putting a hand to Jamie’s shoulder first. He doesn’t move, but he does glance down suspiciously at it. Taking a step closer, I let the arm snake around his shoulder until I’m in a one-armed hug with him. From here, I can turn it into a full hug.
Jamie just stands there, not pushing me away, but not hugging me back either.
“What are you doing?” he asks. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I break away enough to look into his face, holding him by the shoulders.
He’s so like Mom. He got all her beauty without the cold edges.
He’s so warm, far too warm for our family.
But I’m worried we’ve already broken him if he can’t even accept a hug from his brother. That Father has already broken him.
“Don’t you hug people?” I ask.
“Of course I do. I hug Joelle all the time.”
So it is just me. Well, at least he’s not broken. I release him from the hug.
“I want you to be able to talk to me. I’m here for you and I’m on your side—even against Father.”
His eyes get wide at that.
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve always been on your side. Didn’t you know that?”
He shakes his head.
“I was there for you when you came out, wasn’t I?”
He doesn’t meet my eyes.
“Wasn’t I?”
“You weren’t against me, you were just … quiet.”
My heart sinks.
“Quietly supportive.” I hate how uncertain my voice sounds.
Jamie’s coming out meant any feelings I had toward men had to be promptly squashed.
But I’d tried not to focus on that, focusing instead on helping Jamie.
I’d spoken to Father in private, more than once, using my diplomatic skills to smooth things over.
I know how Father operates, how his mind works.
A big, noisy declaration of support would have only made things worse for Jamie.
Eventually, Father came around. Mostly. Just like I’d known he would.
But I hadn’t realized that Jamie didn’t know I was just trying to be strategic.
“I’m so sorry, Jamie. I am supportive. Of whatever you do. I just want you to be happy.”
He stares at his shoes. The nicer I am, the more uncomfortable he gets.
“I’m on your side, that’s all I’m saying. If you’re ever in trouble or need someone to talk to …” I trail off, realizing that no matter what I say, I probably won’t be his first call. Joelle or Texas Travis will be.
I feel raw when I drop Jamie outside the coffee shop. I wait, torturing myself by watching him meet his friends through the window. How easily his whole demeanor relaxes as soon as he’s away from me and with them instead.
I text Will.
Where are you?
Rolling around your apartment in your underwear.
I snort.
Freak.
Seriously? Where are you?
Everything okay Rosie?
I need you, I think. But then images of Jamie—so vulnerable to Father’s scorn—come to mind. I tell myself I can have this thing with Will, for now. So long as I know I can’t have it forever.
Everything’s fine. I was just wondering if you wanted to study?
Heading over to the library from the rink in ten. Meet me there?
Pick you up?
Sure. See you soon.
Watching Will walk out of the hockey arena in his college hockey hoodie does strange things to me.
He has a gym bag slung over his shoulder and is laughing about something with some guys who definitely look like hockey players.
He looks like he belongs. Something drags in my chest before he looks up and spots me.
He smiles and waves. I start the car as he slaps one of the hockey players on the shoulder and starts jogging toward the car.
“You stink of old hockey gear,” I say instead of telling him how good he smells.
He laughs and rolls his eyes. “Hello to you, too, Rosie. How was your day?”
He starts messing with the stereo while he waits for a response.
“It was … fine.”
“Did you tear your old frat bros a new one about dropping the ball on that Indian Spring game.”
“Indian Wells. Sort of.”
He looks up. “Don’t tell me Priestley Rosenthal’s losing his touch? They weren’t shaking in their boots?”
He must spot something in my expression, because the teasing smile drops into something more concerned.
“Hey, I’m just fucking with you. Everything okay?”
“It’s fine,” I lie. “I’m just disappointed with them. I’m gone for five minutes and Nathan can’t even keep it together enough to win one match.”
He snorts. “I feel bad for this Nathan guy. His ears must be constantly burning with how much you lay into him.”
“I just want him to reach his potential.”
Will pauses before he replies. “I know.”
Once we’re safely out of sight of the Hobey Baker hockey arena, Will rests his hand on my thigh, letting his victory playlist play through the car speakers.
The thought of sitting next to him in the library makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
“Shall we study at my place?”
“You know we won’t study,” he says, giving my thigh a squeeze.
I whine. What has gotten into me? I do not whine. Or growl. Or plead. But ever since I’ve met this man, it seems like it’s all I do.
“Let’s make a deal. We study for a few hours at the library, then go back to your place.”
“That’s not a very good deal. My deal was better.”
“You do wanna be top of the leaderboard, don’t you?” Will asks.
“Of course I do.”
“Or are you trying to distract me?”
“I can’t distract you with sex without distracting myself now, can I?”
“If we’re not careful, Alice Liang will leapfrog us both because we were too busy fucking to study.”
I gasp. He’s right.
“Rosie, relax.” He laughs.
“No, you’re right. We’re going to the library, and we’re not leaving until we’re better than Alice Liang.”
He lets his head fall back against the seat with a groan.