Chapter 11 In Too Deep
IN TOO DEEP
“I just think he’s kinda sad, Han.”
“Girl, I don’t know. It sounds like you’re giving him an excuse. Like when you start to feel bad for the movie villain because he had a rough childhood.”
“Maybe that’s true. But I can’t help but see something in him that I want to like. The real side of him has got a lot of hard stuff, but I know that’s also where all the warmth, care, and happy stuff is, too. He can’t just shut it all off.”
“You seeing him again tonight?”
“It’s a really bad idea, right?”
“The WORST.”
“Maybe I’m the kind of girl who makes terrible mistakes these days?”
“Oh, you’re so far over that line already. Hey, but if it’s just fun…”
“Yeah. I mean, that’s all it is.”
But, deep down, I wasn’t so sure.
I went down to the reception to book out another car for that evening, secretly relieved Leon was not on the desk.
Not that I should care, but I didn’t want anyone to think I was up to something mysterious and depraved every night.
A sweet feeling rushed through me at the idea that I actually was.
Was that so bad? Just as long as the lines didn’t blur and I didn’t let my feelings get too carried away.
It is what it is, and that’s just fine. Isn’t it?
As much as I tried to convince myself I was cool about the whole thing, it was proving hard to keep him out of my head. The feelings I’d experienced the previous night were lingering seductively, right on the tip of my thoughts, making me feel warm, and my daydreams were sensual and enticing.
I knew what would happen if I went over that night.
What I wanted to happen. So, why did I feel so uncertain about it?
I’d told Randall that he’d mixed up the ideas of love and sex, but were things ever that black and white?
There would always be deeper feelings than you could see on the surface.
Of bonds being made, trust being established, and vulnerabilities being exposed.
Now I was caught between the pull of temptation and protection, and something else that I couldn’t yet see. An emotion that was blurred and heavy inside, but my brain was keeping hidden from me, hidden somewhere in my thoughts of him.
I nestled into a deckchair by the pool and took out my book, looking for a distraction. For those who never stopped loving, even when it felt like the world was ending… Page one, chapter one.
A couple walked past laughing, and I found myself watching them in the way a woman watches children and wants one of her own.
Lucy, get it together. Why can’t you just relax and enjoy a fun holiday fling?
I let the book rest open on my chest and closed my eyes.
Under my eyelids, Randy’s fingertips began tracing their way along my warm skin…