Chapter 13 Tangled
TANGLED
A soft glow stretched like warm sunshine across my skin as we lay there naked together, sated and entwined in each other’s arms, our breath moving as one. Randall’s fingers traced along my bare skin, stopping to explore the small purple iris tattoo on my arm.
“What does this mean?”
“I got this one for my mom, it’s the state flower of Tennessee,” I turned the wrist on my other arm to show him the bluebonnet, “And this one is for Texas, for my dad.”
“That’s cute.”
“I mean, they hit the roof when I got them. I was a kid, really. But the reason they’re where they are is so when I stand like this…
” I sat up on the bed and put one hand over my forearm, covering the iris, with the bluebonnet on my wrist hidden as it turned inward, “…They wouldn’t show in my wedding photos. ”
“You wanted to hide them?”
“Just for my dad. He’s pretty traditional. I knew he wouldn’t want to see them on me in the pictures.”
“But you never got married.”
I blushed.
“No, it didn’t work out.”
Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed, and unsure what else to say.
“My car will be here soon,” I told him.
“Why don’t you stay?” He asked, dreamily.
“No, I really should get going.”
“For real? I mean, this is… Nice, isn’t it?”
“I don’t think nice is the right word, Randy. It’s been fun, though.”
“Okay.” He looked annoyed. “Hell, I’m sorry I’m just a lay and not the man that you deserve.”
I turned my head to him. “And what do you think I deserve?”
Randy lay back, one of his thick, chiseled forearms behind his head, “Do you even know what you want? Like, how does that guy look for you, Lucy?”
“The man I want?” I didn’t have a fixed idea in my head, but surely I knew. “I want someone who’s there… But, you know, not all the time. And he’s kind!” I mulled that one over for a second, before adding “But not too kind!”
“Gotcha. So, a sweet and kind, but not too kind, bad boy who’s there, but isn’t there?”
“Sort of,” I replied, embarrassed that was the best I could come up with.
“So, what you want is a walking contradiction?”
I sighed. What do I fucking want? What have I been waiting for?
“Well, hey,” He shrugged. “I’m not Mr Perfect. But I am Mr Right Now.”
“It’s good enough for tonight, Randy. But I’m not staying.”
“What are you so afraid of anyway? I promise I won’t strangle you in your sleep.”
What I’m afraid of is that I might actually end up liking you, Randall, and that is a horrifying thought.
“I just don’t want to get tangled up, is all. Let’s not make it complicated.”
He sighed at me. “Okay. But just so you know, I make a hell of a breakfast. Champagne, smoked salmon, the works.”
“The breakfast buffet where I’m staying is actually pretty great,” I lied.
It was hard to know who I was disappointing, him or myself? And why? I just knew that I wanted to be alone right now, to process this all properly.
“Just don’t mistake this for anything other than sex, Randy.”
“Right, so you don’t feel anything? You wanted a good fuck. You got it, now you’re gone.”
“Randy. My body likes yours. I mean, goddamnit! It’s very attracted to you, and I needed to let off some steam. But my brain does not trust or particularly like you.”
“Ouch,” he grimaced in pain.
“C’mon, you know who you are.”
“Lucy, if this is all fake, then why the fuck does it feel so real?”
“You’re wrong. And I can’t fall for you. It’s already gone too far.”
The honk of my car outside meant the conversation ended right there, with Randy looking at me in angry disappointment—like it was me who was the nightmare—and me hastily grabbing my scattered clothes from the floor and leaving him there.
I felt bad and annoyed with myself about what I’d said to him. I knew it was cold. But it was Randall. He could handle it. Still, after everything he’d told me, it didn’t feel right. I knew I’d just been prickly and said those things to get some time for myself.
It wasn’t that I wanted to hurt him, it was that I didn’t want to get hurt. I could feel myself opening up to the chance, the idea of an opportunity with him, and I knew how that would end. How it would always end with Randall. How it had ended with Jack.
I cursed that his name had come into my head. If Randy hadn’t asked about why I wasn’t married, then maybe the night would have ended differently, and I wouldn’t have tried to push him away so cruelly.
Perhaps if the next day wasn’t what it was too, then I could’ve just enjoyed it. But I knew those familiar ugly feelings were waiting for their moment to appear when it came.
I resolved that tomorrow I’d fix it with Randy. I’d apologise, explain a little, perhaps even get a good wild romp in, and everything would be forgotten.