Chapter 20 Hungry
HUNGRY
As we cruised along in Randy’s car, there was a warm feeling in my blood and a softness to the air.
I wanted to just be mad at him, get out all my frustrations, and then let him go.
But it didn’t feel like this was where it ended, not just yet.
That there was more to it before I could feel satisfied and move on.
“You know how many people I’ve slept with since you?” He asked casually.
“Well, I guess Georgia Moss for one…”
He shook his head, as if what I’d said was ridiculous.
“Zero, Lucy.”
“Zero!? I don’t believe you,” I said, wondering if I did or not. “Hey, is that why you and Georgia broke up?”
“No.” Randall sighed heavily. “Lucy, what you said was right, I just didn’t want to admit it, but in a lot of ways, I got sex mixed up with love. I thought because I slept with people that I had love in my life, but it was empty.”
“But you love sex, Randy. You literally said it at least ten times on television.”
“I’ve been getting a lot of things wrong, Lucy. Remember how I told you about that night I spent in a jail cell?”
“Yeah, your juvenile grand theft auto days…”
“Right. And how I’d taken a look at myself and knew I had to change?”
“Sure.”
“Well, after Love Villa, Mexico, you, it was the same thing for me. I’m not a boy who’s trying to protect himself anymore. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time for the authentic Randall Jackson. After all I’ve done, though, who wants to love Randall Jackson now?”
“Well, you haven’t done yourself any favors. Oh, and hey! Didn’t you just try and get in my panties back there without a second’s hesitation? So, forgive me if I don’t believe a word of it.”
“It’s just… It’s different with you. I don’t know what it is about you, but it feels like something I can’t control. If I’m honest, maybe you got under my skin, Lucy.”
“Oh, so that was your idea of romance back there?” I said.
“No! Maybe? I’m sorry. For some reason, I can’t help myself. There’s this energy around you. It’s like I can’t resist it.”
His face crumpled, and he seemed so earnest that I couldn’t help but feel a small pang of pity for him. Outside the window, a sign to a late-night diner flashed up.
“Jeez, Randall, you really are a mess. C’mon, let’s get some coffee.”
“Coffee?”
“Yeah. I don’t trust myself around you with tequila.”
Randy pulled into the diner parking lot, then took out a cap from the glove compartment and pushed it down sharply over his head. I tried not to laugh when I saw it had ‘USA Hockey’ emblazoned across it.
“Oh, I didn’t know Bobby Holiday was coming along too?” I teased him.
He grinned back, rolled his eyes, and slipped the gold chain with his name dangling from around his neck into his shirt.
We went inside, finding the place fixed up as if the 50s had never ended, and a waitress in a pink outfit and beehive hair welcoming us.
“Well, hi there! Getcha a table for two?”
“Sure, we’ll take a booth,” Randy told her.
“Okay, hon, no problem. Get you fixed right over here in the window.”
We nestled into the booth, and Randall fumbled with a menu.
“Hey, Randy.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What did happen with Georgia?”
“Georgia…” Randall stared off into the distance and sighed like the weight of the world was on him.
“Georgia was a fix. It just worked for both of us. She wanted the shine and attention it came with, and it helped me, too. The press and social media ate it up, endorsements came in. It was easy. I didn’t have to be anything for her.”
“So, what? Like, a marriage of commercial convenience?”
“We did our own thing, but we’d both be there when we needed to be for the cameras.”
“But, you must have had some feelings for each other?”
“For a hot minute, maybe. Then, it was more like we worked together. I know that sounds odd.”
“But you broke up, more than once.”
He waved it away with his hand, “All for show. Just feeding the media.”
“So, if not Georgia, who were you seeing?”
“No one in particular, some people here and there. Honestly, I was more interested in myself back then. I was a selfish and self-absorbed brat.”
I watched him move uncomfortably in his seat as I considered it.
“You know, I wanted to ask you, too. What happened?” He asked.
“With what?”
“Your marriage.”
I grimaced.
“Not a good line of questioning if you’re looking to get some action, Randy.”
“Okay. You wanna go fuck in my car instead?”
“Um. Hard pass.” I looked at his amused grin. “Has that ever actually worked, by the way?”
Randy wiggled his eyebrows at me in a way that made me want to both laugh and punch him in the face.
“Fine.” I groaned. “Seeing as we’re sharing.”
The waitress came and filled us up two cups of hot coffee. I waited for her to leave us as the deep notes of the aromatic steam rose into my nose, teasing my senses awake.
“I’m not proud of this,” I started, giving him a look that told him I wasn’t looking for any jokes to be made. In return, Randall gave me his best-behaved and serious look back.
Did I really want to get into this? I’d spent most of the time since that disaster just trying to block it out. But, perhaps, it was time to let it out. Wasn’t that exactly what I’d once told Randy to do?
I took a deep and long sigh as I felt my feelings wobble uncomfortably inside, knowing I would have to say his name out loud.
“Jack… Jack was perfect. I mean, really. He had his shit together. Good job, dressed real nice, flowers, dinners, all of it. He was everything I could ever imagine. God, he was a beautiful man, too. All my friends were jealous. They didn’t have to say it, but I knew. I would’ve been too.”
Randy pulled a face at this, then went back to listening while sipping on his coffee. I will not cry in front of this man, I told myself, at least half-convincingly.
“But, something just didn’t feel right. It was like I started to feel like I was one of his possessions.
A part of his collection of things. We always did what he wanted, and Jack always got what he wanted.
Like, if we were going to the movies, he’d choose the film without even asking.
I didn’t get to have an opinion, or at least my opinion wasn’t asked for… Or important.”
“So, he liked dumb movies, got it.”
I glared at Randy.
“Okay. Sorry, just sounded like… Anyway, go on. Perfect Jack, who chooses bad movies.”
“And the restaurants, the holidays, what we did on our weekends, who we spent time with, who we didn’t. I barely noticed at first. I mean, in some ways, it was nice. I was swept along in his life and completely looked after. I told myself I was happy, how could I not be?
“So, when he proposed, I should’ve been ecstatic. This dream of a man who wanted to pin me down forever. It was only then I knew that I didn’t want to be his object, that I didn’t want a whole life with him… But, of course, that was after I’d already said yes.”
“Ouch.” Randall winced.
“Then suddenly there were family, friends, venues, dresses, bridesmaids, and all of it quickly spiralled into motion, while I was just an outsider, watching it all happen. And I let it happen, because I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy.
Honestly, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.
Something medical or mental, I didn’t know.
But there was no obvious reason for me not to feel happy and excited about marrying Jack. ”
“Except there was. Your life was just a side-piece to his.”
I checked that Randy wasn’t making fun of me before I nodded in agreement.
“My ambitions weren’t important anymore. Even my hobbies died. I had no purpose other than turning up to things as his fiancée. He even booked the wedding venue on the day of my birthday, like that day was no longer my own either. It would always be overshadowed by our anniversary.”
“So, what happened?” Randy asked.
I suddenly didn’t feel quite so bad talking about it, and I was pleasantly surprised that Randy was actually listening and being considerate. He didn’t seem to be judging me, and he wasn’t putting any of his own opinions on me like I was used to.
“I really did try to bring it up, to find some time for myself and my own interests, but he always found a way to get in the way of it, or to dismiss them as something silly and pointless. The closer we got to the day, the more I dreaded it. And then, before I knew it, I was about to get married.”
“Cutting it a little fine, huh?”
“Randy. I never even turned up. I was too ashamed and too cowardly to even tell anyone. But I suppose I didn’t exactly know that I would do it either.”
“You left him at the aisle?”
“So, it’s the big day, my birthday. I get ready, put on my wedding dress, smile at everyone, and wave away my lack of enthusiasm as just nerves. Everyone’s telling me how damn lucky I am.
“Then I’m in the car on the way, and it’s just me and my dad, who’s going to walk me down the aisle. He turns to me and says, ‘Lucy, darling, it’s not too late to back out, you know?’. I don’t think he was being serious, but as soon as he saw my face, he told the driver to pull over.”
“And what, you just got out?”
“I kissed my Dad and got out of the car.”
“While Jack was standing there waiting for a bride that was never to arrive?”
“Yeah. I know. I get it, I’m a terrible person.”
“Welcome to the club.”
I gave Randall a withering look back, “If that’s your idea of making me feel better, you could try harder.”
“I don’t think you’re a bad person, Lucy, but even good people do shitty things. You looked out for yourself and that’s cool and all, but damn, I can’t help but imagine what it was like when you didn’t show. What did he do? And where did you go?”
“I went to a park and I cried my heart out in my wedding dress because of what everyone would think and say.”
Randall was watching me intently as I fought back the tears from those emotions being dug up to come back and haunt me again.
“What did he say? I mean, when you got round to it.”
“We never talked again after that, at least not in person. He gave a note to my friend, Hannah, when it became clear I wasn’t coming. All it said was, Sorry you couldn’t make it. Have a nice life, Lucy. Goodbye.”
“Oh man, that’s pretty cold.”
“It could have been much worse. He was well within his rights.”
“I suppose so.”
Randall gave me an odd, satisfied smile.
“What is it?” I threw back at him, annoyed that he’d found something to smile about in the story of my failed marriage.
“It’s just… This is nice. Lucy, since my mom, you’re just about the only person I’ve spent time talking with about anything real. Or even seems interested in talking to me. Not Randy, not The King. But the version of me that isn’t always certain, that gets scared sometimes, that hurts sometimes.”
“Hmm. That’s sort of sweet for you. But it can’t always be about what you want. You get that, right?”
I remembered what Hayden had told me. About how he was different. Was it true? He was looking at me more intensely now.
“Lucy, I’ve got to ask you something.”
“Go on.”
He paused, wondering how to ask.
“I want to fake date you again.”
“Ha! Nice try! I mean after everything...”
But I could tell from the look on his face he wasn’t going to give it up that easily. I also knew that, maybe, I didn’t want him to.
“I know that perhaps I don’t deserve it, but I’m not asking you for anything, except a chance. I’d really like to show you who I am. Maybe even why I am.”
“And how do you plan on doing that?”
“Come meet my family.”
“Ohhh. Hard pass. Thanks for the offer, though.”
“It would help you understand, is all. Also, I could use a date so I don’t look so ridiculously useless and alone.”
“I don’t do so well with parents, Randy. Historically, that is.”
My brain delivered a slideshow of broken memories of deathly dinner silences, broken heirlooms, awkward conversations, unflushable toilets, being woken naked in bed by seemingly innocent mothers with cups of tea… Nope. Definitely not good at that.
“It wouldn’t even be a good date. They’re… Complicated. But, I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be there.”
“That’s almost sweet, Randy.”
“What could I do for you in return to make you come?”
“Um… Right now? I’m hungry.”
“Oh. I know a place.”