Chapter 36
Cassie
“Holy shit, I knew it,” Jess’s voice rings out from the hallway.
I glance up to where Cole is standing in the doorway.
Well, this should be interesting.
Cole came into the spare room last night. Wrapped me in his muscly arms, pulled me against his broad chest. I was way too sleepy and happy about it to send him back to his own room.
This morning I woke up with his arm still hooked around my body. Cole groaned as if it were basically torture tearing himself away from me, but he slid out of bed to go sneak back to his room before his family woke up.
I guess that plan didn’t work out.
Still in my baggy vintage Nor’easters 1999 championship t-shirt and flannel PJ shorts, I get out of bed and walk up behind Cole.
Jess is in the hallway, carrying a laundry basket with one arm and pointing an accusing finger at him with the other. He stares stonily back at her, but there’s a slight flush on his neck, which is so cute.
“Busted,” Jess says, grinning wildly. “I knew you liked a girl, asshole. You tried to deny it, but I could tell you were pining for someone for months. I just didn’t know you were pining for your agent. That’s hilarious.”
“Hi.” I poke my head out from behind Cole’s huge frame with a smile. “I’d love to hear more about this whole pining for months thing.”
Cole grits his teeth. “Don’t encourage her, Cass.”
Jess looks delighted. “Morning, Cassie. So, if Cole refuses to talk, I’m going to need details from you. How long has this been going on?”
I glance up at Cole. “It’s new, I guess. But it’s good.”
New, but also ten years in the making.
“Is it serious?”
My pulse jumps. It’s supposed to be casual. But nothing feels casual about this right now.
“None of your business,” Cole says firmly.
But when he looks down at me, his glare melts into a reluctant smile. He lightly drapes his arm over my shoulder and presses a quick kiss to the top of my hair—still messy from sleep, not tamed into my usual ponytail yet.
Jess’s mischievous grin softens. “I hope it’s serious. Because I’m happy for you guys. Like really, really happy. It’s actually kind of disgusting how cute you two are already.”
“We are, aren’t we?” Cole says, voice kind of husky.
Jess snorts. “Okay, don’t get a big ego about it.
Anyway, you should get up and ready before Mom and Dad try to put you to work somewhere.
” She starts walking back down the hallway with the laundry basket before turning back.
“But my one request is please god no high-level PDA in the house. Go take a boat out into the bay if you want to get all touchy-feely.”
Cole grunts a laugh. “Fine. Deal.”
Jess disappears, and a little part of me just wants to get back into the warm bed with Cole, not just because the chilly winter air is already seeping in through the single-paned windows.
But we separate and both get ready for the day in our own rooms. This time, I slip on jeans and a thick yellow sweater.
By the time I leave my room again, showered and ready for the day, Cole’s dad has cornered him about helping out with chores in the yard.
Cole glances at me, but I nod. “Go ahead,” I smile.
He grumbles but follows his dad out into the yard.
I don’t have to occupy myself long before Jess appears at my side. “Help me make breakfast?”
Her tone is too light and innocent, and I get the feeling she less wants help and more wants to grill me about Cole.
“Happy to.” I nod and follow her into the kitchen.
“How do pancakes sound?” Jess asks, filling a stovetop kettle with water.
“Perfect. The answer to ‘how do pancakes sound?’ is always ‘perfect’.”
I watch her whirl about the kitchen, getting out bowls and flour and butter.
She has the same green eyes as Cole, her dark hair in a bob.
But unlike Cole, all stoic and steady and strong, Jess flits about the kitchen, bursting with energy.
She has a short attention span and a chatty, sarcastic streak.
I can see how her energy is too much to be contained in a little town like Stoneport.
I chop up fruit while she mixes together pancake batter and rants about rental prices in Boston, going off on at least three tangents on the way.
“I meant what I said earlier, by the way,” Jess says, not looking up from measuring.
“That if the Red Sox don’t make it past the Wild Card this year, you’re going to do something drastic?”
“No,” she laughs, “that I’m really happy for you and Cole.”
My lips tug into a smile. I know just how important Cole’s family is to him, and I’m grateful to have his sister’s approval, even if the future of this thing between us is uncertain. “Thank you. That really means a lot.”
“I’ve been dying for him to get a new girlfriend forever. He needs someone.”
Girlfriend.
The word jumps out at me, a warm and sweet feeling deep in my chest.
But we’re not doing labels. That was our deal. We can’t even tell people, at least no one in the world of hockey, which makes up most of both our lives.
“Cole thinks he’s an island,” Jess continues. “And maybe he’ll always be independent. But islands are better when they’re inhabited. Less like a deserted tropical island. More like…” She waves a hand, searching for an end to the sentence. “Guam.”
“Guam?” I laugh.
“That metaphor got away from me. But the point is that he shouldn’t be alone.
He seems happier lately.” She whips the batter a little harder.
“I feel bad, in all honesty. I had a tough few years and went down a really bad road. But for the last fourteen months I’ve been in recovery, and I’m finally excited about the future again.
I’ve moved on. But Cole is still caught up in thinking that he should’ve been there for me, for our family. ”
I watch as Jess places a pan on the stovetop. It warms my heart, how much Cole and Jess care about each other, how much they feel like they owe each other. From the outside, it’s clear how much they love each other.
“Maybe one day he’ll realize he can have hockey and a personal life.
He just needs some balance.” Jess fixes me with a sincere stare.
“Just… look out for him, okay? Don’t hurt him.
He seems like he’s made of ice, but he’s not invincible.
He’s loyal as hell when he cares about someone, and I have the feeling he really cares about you. ”
“I care about him too,” I murmur.
It’s more than that. But that’s too much to say to Jess. Too much when I don’t know what our future holds.
So I just hold the thought, clutched deep in my chest like a warm glowing thing. Something to keep me warm when the winter storms batter everything outside.
After we’ve had breakfast and Cole is done helping out his parents, we get to work helping Jess with her move. She tells me twice that I don’t need to feel obligated to help, but after I tell her it’s fine, she takes this to heart and starts handing me a stream of boxes to take out to the cars.
Cole places a hand on Jess’s shoulder as she surveys her empty room, a slightly torn look on her face.
“Ready for the city?” he asks gently.
She smiles, determined. “Ready as I’ll ever be. I mean, you manage to live in Boston, so I’m sure it can’t be that hard.”
After that, Jess releases us because she has a call with a friend from her recovery group.
“Come with me,” Cole says, jerking his head toward his car. “I want to take you somewhere.”
Cole drives me out of Stoneport, down a tiny road until the view around us is thick with pine trees. The sun is bright in the perfect blue sky, one of those days that almost look like summer until you feel the frosty chill in the air.
Out of the car, he takes my hand, leading me a little way along the rocky path. I pull my puffer coat tighter around me. “What mysterious Maine landmark are you taking me to?”
“Here we go. You’re about to see.” He raises his hand, and I listen out.
I hear water crashing before we turn a bend and see it. A waterfall, plunging down through the sparkling winter sunlight. The pines glow evergreen around us, and the water glitters. Vapor makes everything look hazy and dreamlike.
It’s beautiful, so beautiful my chest aches.
“Not bad, right?” Cole says, raising his voice over the rush of water.
“Wow, northern boy.” I grin up at him. “You’re really selling me on Maine.”
“That’s the plan.”
Something clicks into place seeing Cole here. A piece of him I always sensed but could never understand. Seeing his family and his hometown—I feel like I’m touching some part of him he always kept locked away before.
He leans against the mossy stone. “I used to drive out here as a teenager. The summer tourists and hikers never seemed to discover it.”
“Is this where you’d bring girls?” I tease.
He snorts. “More like where I’d come to sit alone for some peace and quiet.”
“Even better. That’s way more stoic and brooding.” He laughs and I see how easy his expression is, how suddenly open. “You really love it here, huh?”
He shrugs. “The city is fine. If I didn’t have hockey, maybe I’d live out in Maine and be happy here. But life is all about compromise.”
“Compromise is one word for it,” I say softly. “Balance is another.”
His green eyes flicker with something. “I didn’t just bring you here to admire the view, Cass. Come on.” He slides his hand around my waist and leads me closer. “A while ago, you told me you were angry underneath all your sunshine. Angry about your dad. Angry about your job.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“No one can hear you under a waterfall.” He shrugs. “Best place to get your feelings out.”
“You mean…” I raise my eyebrows. “Yell about it?”
“Exactly.”
I laugh in disbelief, but he just steers me closer to the falls, and he’s right: it’s hard to hear anything above the wild crashing of the water.
“Okay, sure. I’ll try anything once.”
“Enough smiling,” he orders, “more yelling. Let it out.”
Water crashes down. I breathe in deeply, letting the fresh air fill my lungs. The spray of water tickles my face. It feels so refreshing. It’s almost enough to make everything feel new.
I open my mouth and give a half-hearted yell for approximately two seconds. The sound dies as it hits the water.
Cole gives me a withering look. “Really?” I can just hear him yell over the roar. “That’s the best you’ve got?”
I slowly shake my head. I think about what he said. How I do have that anger inside me, how it’s the part of myself I could never truly accept.
And so, I open my mouth and scream.
It feels wild and raw in my throat. I don’t know when it starts, but I suddenly realize the mist of the waterfall isn’t why my cheeks feel damp. Tears spring into my eyes.
I always thought between me and Cole, I was the emotionally in touch one. But this has opened something up in me I barely knew was there: a deep well that’s spilling out with my scream.
It feels better than baking cupcakes to repress my feelings.
It feels good.
Suddenly Cole’s arms wrap around my body, drawing me close, pulling me away from the water. His thumb comes up to brush the tears from my cheeks. “How did that feel?” he murmurs.
“Amazing.”
I look up at Cole’s face. His eyes are intense, and if it wasn’t too soon to use this word, I’d say they look… loving. A rush of heat runs through my body, settling between my legs.
I can’t stop myself. I go on my tiptoes, at an even bigger height disadvantage in my white sneakers instead of my usual heels, and kiss him. The warmth of his minty breath on my lips feels good in the cold that’s chilling my face, and suddenly my body feels desperate to be tangled up against him.
“Glad I finally brought a girl here,” Cole murmurs through a smile, and scoops me up in his arms like I weigh nothing at all.