Chapter 46
Cole
“Cass, this is too many cupcakes,” I say when I walk into the kitchen this morning. “I’m getting a little worried.”
Cassie pauses her whisking to look up at me. God, she looks pretty with her ponytail a little wilder and messier today. She’s wearing a baggy Winter Olympics sweater, leggings that show off the perfect curve of her ass, and a flour-covered apron.
I don’t move from where I stand, even though technically I’m running late. I’m heading into the arena early today to spend some time running through some shots with Noah and a couple of other younger teammates. But girlfriend going crazy with baking takes priority.
“What do you mean?” Cassie says, wiping her hair back with her hand and leaving a sprinkle of flour on her forehead. “I’m fine. So fine. In fact, I’m doing great. Don’t I look like I’m doing great?”
My brows raise. For the last two days, since she was suspended, Cassie has been baking obsessively. Yeah, yeah, it’s her way of dealing with shit. But she’s worrying about her job, and she’s used to working long days at Legacy Sports. Now she has a whole lot of free time to occupy with spiraling.
I lean in to brush the flour off her face. “You look beautiful, but you also look like someone who is baking to not deal with her feelings.”
She stares around the kitchen as if she’s just realizing the extent of her baking mania.
“Ah. Okay. Maybe you’re right.” She drops onto the stool by the kitchen island. “Oh my god. I really baked a lot of cupcakes… I think I’m just distracting myself so I don’t check my phone every thirty seconds in case Rick has emailed me about my job."
“I’m sorry, Cass,” I say, running my hand along her jaw. “I feel responsible. It’s because of us that you’re in this situation.”
She leans into my touch. “I told you already. Don’t be sorry. I’m going to see what Rick decides, and then I’m going to figure out what to do about my dad. I don’t know how, but I will.”
I stare at her face. Determined, but still soft.
For the hundredth time, I open my mouth and nearly tell her I love her.
Not just that I love her.
That I’m so crazy fucking gone for her, I’d just about risk everything I’ve built to make her happy.
But an anxious pull inside me stops the words before they leave my mouth. I don’t want Cassie to have to choose: me or her career. We agreed to take things slow, and then everything went off the rails.
I don’t want to push too hard or end up failing her. But biting back the words is its own kind of torture.
So instead, I just press a kiss to her forehead and pray I can find a way to fix this for her.
I’m leaving practice that afternoon when Jess calls me.
When I answer the phone and hear her voice, my stomach sinks.
“Cole?”
Her voice sounds unusually wavery, and she’s calling me by my name, not dude or asshole or loser in a (mostly) affectionate way. Something’s wrong. I feel it in my gut.
“What is it, Jess? Are you okay?”
She sniffs. “Can you come over?”
I drive straight to her apartment, dread spiking through me. There are tears running down her face when she lets me in, and I feel a lightning crack of fear in my chest.
“What’s wrong?” I demand. “Talk to me, Jess.”
I follow her inside as she paces in circles, fidgeting with the strap of her dungarees. She runs a hand through her hair.
“It’s my internship. They offered me a permanent job.”
I blink, confused. “What? That’s awesome, Jess. Congratulations.”
She rounds on me as if I’ve just mortally insulted her. “No, not congratulations!”
“Okay… I’m sorry you did such a great job that they want you to stay. Is that better?”
She sighs hard and flops down on the couch. I tentatively sit down at the other end.
Ever since Jess’s overdose, she accepted her problem, worked hard as hell to fix it, and did it all with a strong, confident outlook. But I’ve been living in fear of this, of her hitting an obstacle. Of it all coming crashing down. Of me not being there when it happened.
But now it’s here, and so am I.
“I’ve been telling you for months that everything’s good,” Jess says.
Her voice is small and vulnerable in a way I’m not used to hearing from her.
“That I’m ready for a change, a move, a fresh start.
But if I take this job, then it’s real. Then I’ve really moved away from Maine for good.
I’m really having a fresh start here in Boston. ”
“Yeah, and you were right. I was the one who was worrying too much. You’re thriving here already.”
She bites her lip. “I guess. But a fresh start means a new chance to screw things up.”
“Look, Jess. If it’s too much, you can move home again. But I think this is just a wobble. It’s natural to be scared of a new challenge. But all the evidence says you’re doing great.”
“You think so?” she whispers.
“Of course. You moved to a new city and found a kickass apartment and you crushed your internship. You wouldn’t have been offered a permanent job otherwise.
Take the win, Jess. You think if the Nor’easters won a cup, we’d say, oh but we didn’t play that well really, maybe those assholes from Florida’s team deserve it more? No. We would take the damn win.”
Her face breaks out into a little smile. “You’d have to actually make the finals to win a cup, though.”
“Smartass. You know what I meant.” I flick her on the shoulder, and she laughs. “You know I’m no good at this sappy shit. But I’m so proud of you, Jess. Stop with the imposter syndrome and accept that you can do this.”
“You’re right,” she sniffles. “I’m the shit, dude.” She sits up, a brighter look in her eyes. “Sorry, I’m crying all over you and not even asking what’s going on in your life. Have you heard about your contract extension from the team yet?”
“Not exactly.”
I tell her about the photo. About Cassie being suspended from her job. About how this is one challenge I don’t know how to tackle.
“I got Cassie into this mess. I know I need to fix it.” I shake my head.
“But for the past year, I keep thinking that maybe there isn’t room in my life for hockey and my own life.
That maybe I have to choose. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, Jess.
I don’t want to let Cassie down like that, too. ”
Jess stares at me. “Oh my god,” she yells, jumping to her feet. “Are you serious?”
“What—”
“You think you weren’t there for me?” She waves her hands in the air emphatically.
“Look around you, dude. Look where you are right now. You dropped everything to be here for me. You helped me find an apartment. You helped me move all my shit from Maine. You tried to pay for everything. You’ve driven back and forth a million times the last year just to be there for me even though you’re literally an NHL star with a ton of obligations.
” She catches her breath, still glaring at me.
“You weren’t in Maine when I hit rock bottom, but that was my responsibility and my own battle.
You didn’t abandon us in Stoneport. You got out and achieved your dream.
But you were still there when it mattered.
If you need my permission to move on, then fine!
Here’s your permission! But you don’t need to choose between hockey and life, dumbass.
Playing hockey makes you happy. Cassie makes you a better hockey player and a better person. ”
Goddamn. It’s like a gut punch. “Christ, Jess.”
“Good speech?” she deadpans.
I manage to smile back, though the emotion is full in my chest. Relief and surprise and pride in my sister. “Great speech. I didn’t—I didn’t know that’s how you felt.”
Her voice turns gentler, and she sits back down next to me. “You said you’re looking for balance. Cole, I think you’ve already found it.”
I feel something open up in my chest. Slow and soft. “Goddamn it. I think you’re right. But I think I need to make sure Cassie knows it too.” I pause. “Does your roommate still work at the flower shop?”
She blinks. “Um, yeah. Why?”
“How does she feel about making a lot of money?”