Chapter 25
No matter how many times I flew back to Monaco, it never got any easier.
The place was filled with nothing but bad childhood memories, something I had no doubt my therapist would have a field day digging into—when I eventually grew the balls to go.
Driving the rental car down the roads I used to call home birthed a tsunami of unease that verged on wreaking total havoc on my digestive system.
I swore I’d downed nearly two bottles of Pepto Bismol before the plane took off.
The little amber bottle of Xanax hiding in my carry-on suitcase called out to me like a siren.
Ignoring the urge, I glanced over to Livi, who was too busy taking in everything through the passenger window to notice the waves of nausea washing over me the closer we got to my Grand-mère’s.
Thankfully, we weren’t going to the house I grew up in.
When Frederic and Jaxon broke their first million with Dade Diamonds, the first thing they did was buy our Grand-mère a new, albeit over-the-top, house.
They claimed the bigger-than-one-person-ever-needed home was a gift, a way of repaying her for all the years she had sacrificed to rear us.
And although that wasn’t untrue, it wasn’t the whole truth.
The reason my eldest brothers bought the house was because none of us could bear to step foot into our childhood home.
When our mother passed away, our Grand-mère moved us into our new family home. A small house that could barely fit two people, never mind six. But it was all we could afford, after our father lost everything to his former friend and business partner, Lexington Reynolds.
Evelyn’s father left my family with nothing, and the humiliation drove both my father and mother to the brink of despair.
I’d barely turned three years old when my mother succumbed to her mental illness and left us to navigate the world without her. Most memories I had of her were shrouded in haze, lost and obscured as the years went on. Except one. One that involved finding her lifeless on the bathroom floor.
I did, however, remember all the years when my Grand-mère struggled to make ends meet, working three jobs to ensure that we always had full stomachs, the best education she could afford, and a roof over our heads.
More than our father ever did.
He was a shell of a man, too scared and broken after his wife’s passing to do anything but try and join her in the afterlife by drinking himself to death. But he couldn’t even manage to do that right.
During those turbulent years, I realized, and tried my fucking hardest to hide, that I shared more than physical attributes with my father.
I hated looking in the mirror and seeing him, but I loathed that we shared the same weakness.
His addictions dictated his life to rubble, and as much as I tried to deny that I was anything like him, my own addictions had done the same thing.
“I know I said it when we landed, but I will say it again,” Livi’s excited voice pulled me from my thoughts, “but this place is like a freaking postcard come to life.”
Monaco was beautiful; the sunshine, the mountains, the clear blue ocean, everything New York wasn’t.
And if it weren’t for the childhood trauma, I’d have easily stayed here.
“I can’t believe I’ve waited thirty years to come here.” Her nose was practically pressing against the window as we weaved between the tight streets. “I’ve done myself a disservice by not finding time to travel more.”
“Have you ever been to Europe before?”
She shook her head. “The furthest I’ve ever travelled is to Montreal, and I drove there, which I mean, come on, is nothing compared to here.”
I wasn’t sure what surprised me more: her lack of world travel or the warmth funneling through my nervous system at the thought that her first time aboard was with me.
“You’ve officially taken my Europe virginity.” She grinned with a mischievous wink.
I choked on a laugh. “What can I say, I’m honored to have taken it.”
She looked back out the window. “You know, a few years ago, I planned on visiting the Netherlands. I went as far as booking the flights to Amsterdam, even reserved this beautiful canal boat to stay in.”
“What happened?”
“Between my hectic work schedule and health reasons, it wasn’t meant to be.” Clearing her throat, her gaze dropped to her lap. “Plus, Daniel didn’t like the idea of me going solo. He said if I went, he’d spend the whole time worrying about me, and that wouldn’t be fair on him.”
My knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. “He could have went with you.”
“He hates flying. Barely manages the flight back to Montana to see his family, never mind a long-haul flight.”
Her fucking wet-cloth of an ex had stolen more from Livi than I thought truly possible.
I hated him more than I thought humanly possible to hate someone I barely knew.
Not just for everything he’d done to her, but because of him, she was reluctant to ever trust anyone with her heart.
He was the reason she’d never allow herself to fall in love again.
Because of him, she’d never take a chance on me.
“You should make a list,” I said, pulling up to my Grand-mère’s house.
“What kind of list?”
“A list of everywhere you want to visit in the world.” I parked the car and turned to her.
“Or better yet, create a travel binder. Write down every country, every city, every tourist trap, right down to the forgotten villages of the world you want to see. And then start ticking them off one by one.”
Chewing the corner of her lip, her brows came together. “It’s not that simple. I have a job, remember?”
“A job that could take you anywhere. You could organize events around the globe if you wanted to.”
“Not while I still have my mother as my majority business partner. She’d never allow me to take the company away from her reach and outside her control.”
“But the event you’re planning for Una—”
“Ursula,” she corrected. “Seriously, we need to find a way to get you caught up on pop culture.”
“Whatever her name is, you said it would be enough money to buy out your contract, to get yourself free, right?”
“That was the plan, but Ursula keeps changing what she wants. It’s practically every day she scraps everything I’ve worked on and demands I start again. I swear, it’s like she gets more pleasure out of testing me than she does an orgasm.”
“She sounds…delightful.”
“Oh, she’s something alright. Usually, I can keep up.
I can be the genie to her wishes, but not this time.
” Exhaling deeply, her shoulders sagged in defeat.
“The new location she wants, the Monarch Club, is impossible. I don’t have connections there, and if I can’t deliver, she will get someone who can. ”
Why did that club sound so familiar to me?
Before I got a chance to say anything, my attention was stolen by my Grand-mère grinning and waving like a child from the open front door.
Except she wasn’t alone.
As if time slowed down, a flash of blonde hair appeared at my Grand-mère’s hip. My heart battered against my ribcage, trying to escape as Penelope came barreling toward the car.
Bile scorched the back of my throat.
If Penelope was here….
“Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought you said I’d only be meeting your grandmother, not your whole family?” Livi’s nervous voice sounded a million miles away. “?Oh Dios mío! That’s not who I think it is, is it?”
Frozen solid, the muscles in my shoulders tightened painfully, my hands at risk of ripping the steering wheel clean off, as all I could do was stare at Frederic standing behind our Grand-mère.
Oh, fuck my life.
Thankfully, my whole family wasn’t here.
Just the one member that I’d been avoiding like the plague for eight months.
After crashing on the sofa and sleeping off the jet lag, the next morning, I silently prayed to a higher power that my eldest brother had gone back to Ontario.
But of course, the second I opened my eyes, there he stood.
No matter how hard I tried to avoid him, I felt his icy gaze watching my every move from the corner of the kitchen as my Grand-mère fussed over Livi.
Was it too late to run?
“Here, have some more, mon cher.” Grand-mère topped up Livi’s empty mug with more tea. “And please sit down, you must be famished this morning. I will get something for you to eat.”
“Oh, that’s okay, I’m not that hungry right now. I don’t want to cause a fuss.”
“You’ve barely eaten,” I interjected. “All we ate yesterday were those horrible in-flight meals.”
“That’s fine.” Livi’s cheeks reddened. “Seriously, that’s plenty of food for me…”
My Grand-mère silenced her with a look. “Nonsense, airplane food is not real food.” She pointed to the kitchen table before opening the oven and dishing up her fresh pains au chocolat. “Now sit yourself at that table, jeune femme.”
“If I were you, I’d do what she says.” I pulled a chair out for Livi. “The last person who refused her food ended up with a rolling pin up their—”
“Elliott Dade!” Grand-mère scolded, her hands trembling as she tried to balance the plate and walk at the same time. “You were raised better than that.”
Taking the dish from her, I let her lightly tap me on the cheek before she gave it a pinch for good measure. “Go and sit down, I got this.”
She hobbled to the kitchen table slowly. Ever since her stroke a couple years back, the mobility in her leg never returned to full function. No amount of physiotherapy was able to recover what she lost, and the damn stubborn fool refused to use her walking aid.
The kitchen smelled exactly like my childhood.
Freshly baked bread and lavender. It didn’t matter that it looked nothing like the small terrace house we called home; the smell instantly transported me back twenty-five years.
“Thank you,” Livi beamed, tucking into a warm pain au chocolat I set in front of her. The moan that escaped from her—a noise that I wouldn’t soon forget—after her first bite shot straight to my cock. “Oh my freaking god, this is heavenly. Pure, buttery chocolatey heaven.”
My Grand-mère grinned.
Livi eagerly patted the empty seat beside her. “You need to try these! Seriously, they are hands down the best things I’ve ever tasted.”
Not bothering to inform her that my entire childhood involved eating them, I instead relished watching her take another mouthful.
Unlike her own family, no one here made her feel bad for eating what she wanted. And how she looked right now, carefree and happy, she’d never been more beautiful to me.
I made a step toward the table, only to be stopped by a heavy hand on my shoulder. The black titanium ring caught the corner of my eye, causing my heart to meet my stomach.
“Can we talk?”
It wasn’t a question.
Looking between the two women at the table for rescue, I knew I was at a loss. My Grand-mère had started to ask my fake girlfriend a million and one questions, all the while looking at her like she’d hung the moon in the sky.
I silently pleaded with Livi to meet my gaze, but she, too, remained oblivious.
My last hope was my niece. But who knew where she’d disappeared to.
She refused to leave my side when we first arrived, filling me in on all about school, her friends, the paintings she was working on with Orla, and, of course, her birthday trip to Disneyland. Every word out of her mouth was a gut-wrenching reminder of what I left behind eight months ago.
I reluctantly turned to my big brother. “Sure, what’s up?”
Frederic motioned to the hallway. “In private.”
Fear spread through me like wildfire, my nervous system going into overdrive and screaming at me to flee.
Frederic didn’t wait for a response as he stepped into the hallway. My vision tunneled, my chest tightened, and the unwelcome visitor that was anxiety took hold of me once again.
I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t be alone with him.
The truth would come spilling out of me, and the mere thought of seeing that disappointed look on his face made me want to vomit.
And even worse? I knew he’d want to help me. He’d do everything in his power to put me back on the right path, and worst of all, he’d forgive me for pissing his money away.
This was my fuck up to fix.
My brother’s eyebrows knitted together as he silently waited for me. People thought Frederic to be cold, unflinching, and downright terrifying under certain circumstances. Yet right now, all I saw was the pain I’d left behind eight months ago.
Frederic tilted his head. “Elliott?”
Each breath felt like a thousand matches being lit at once inside my lungs. I told myself to move, to do something—anything!
“Actually, can it wait?” Livi appeared at my side, her hand slipping into mine. “I’ve planned a whole day for the two of us and we’re already behind schedule.”
“You can’t ignore me forever, Elliott.” Frederic’s jaw twitched twice. “All I’m asking from you is to stop running for once and talk to me.”
Squeezing my fingers, centering me back into the kitchen, Livi ignored my brother and remained smiling up at me. “Ready to go, baby?”
“Don’t you dare run away from me again.” Frederic’s voice broke. “Je t’implore, tell me what’s going on, Elliott. No more bullshit.”
He may as well have reached into my chest and ripped out my heart.
Blinking slowly, I somehow found the strength to nod at Livi and let her lead me out of the house, past Frederic, who remained rooted to the spot.
Shame mixed with my anxiety into a toxic cocktail, poisoning my system.
I was going to fix this.
I just needed a little more time.