Chapter 35
“We all know the rules by now, gentleman, but for those new to the table, Jokers are wild, and there is a mandatory fifty bucks buy-in.”
To say this was my worst nightmare would be an understatement.
I mean, I was in literal hell.
All of Daniel’s friends gathered around the kitchen table. Cigar smoke filled the air, mixing with the aroma of chargrilled steaks and the umpteen glasses of bourbon being passed around.
Alcohol, gambling, the only thing missing was a couple of Xanax and then it’d be a real fucking party.
Merde, I should have stayed in the bedroom.
But when Livi came back to get ready, I ran away like a coward and ended up getting dragged by the groomsmen to another form of personal torture.
Before she left, it was impossible to miss the concern and deep-seated hurt in her eyes when she came to say goodbye to me.
I couldn’t stop replaying it over and over in my mind. The sheen in her gaze, the way her hand reached for mine, only to fall short when I moved back, causing her to flinch.
Honestly, it was too much.
I loathed seeing her like that; it nearly brought me to my knees.
Yet, it didn’t compare to the black void slowly spreading through me, thinking of her betrayal.
“You in?” Barney, the best man, pushed a chair toward me. “Gotta pony up the fifty bucks if you are.”
For me, addiction was like getting bitten by a venomous snake.
The poison slowly seeped through my veins, pumping its way around my entire system, aiming right for my heart and brain until it was all I thought about.
Staring at the poker chips and the deck of cards being shuffled, the oh-so familiar sting of venom awoke in my blood.
Rooted to the spot, my mind and body fought each other. My body wanted to flee from the temptation, but the dark voice in my mind demanded I stay and dull myself to the fact that I was once again losing control over my life.
After all, what was one game of poker?
‘Your brother knows you’re a disappointment anyway, what’s the harm?’ the voice whispered.
It wasn’t like I was in a casino; therefore, it shouldn’t count, right?
‘And that woman you stupidly love, she betrayed you because she knows you deserve to be alone. Why would she want a burden like you?’ the voice grew louder.
I could trust myself to stop when it got too much. I mean, I learned my lesson before.
‘You know what will make you feel better, it’s right in front of you,’ the voice screamed.
I had everything under control.
Total and utter control…
Fuck, I need help. Someone help me.
A hand landed on my shoulder. “Hey man, you want to check on the steaks with me?”
“Nah, he’s playing,” Barney replied on my behalf.
The owner of the hand said, “C’mon, Barney, you know I can’t be trusted around an open flame, unless you want a repeat of freshman year.”
“Hell no! Because of you, my eyebrows never grew back the same. Fine, you both can deal in later.”
I let the stranger turn my frozen body and walk me outside onto the back wooden porch.
The second cold air hit my face, sweat dripped from my brow, tears blurred my sight, and a wave of nausea snuck up on me.
Thank fuck for the lack of food in my stomach.
“How are you meant to know when these are cooked?”
Inhaling deeply to combat the urge to wretch, I watched the stranger open the grill and stare down cluelessly at the steaks.
“People are weird about their steaks, right?” he continued. “Some people like it cooked until you need a chainsaw to get through it, while others want it so raw that it’s practically still mooing.”
There was something familiar about him. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He looked around Olly’s age, with a mop of dark curly hair, pale freckled skin, and a pair of intense green eyes.
“Maybe if I flip them?” he mused, scratching the back of his head. “What d’you think?”
Once I was confident my stomach wasn’t trying to escape out of my throat, I said, “Truthfully? I have no idea. When it comes to cooking, I’m pretty hopeless.”
“Aren’t you a doctor or something?”
“Yeah? Though, why would that make you think I know anything about cooking?”
“Being a doctor means you’re smart, guess I thought you’d be smart with a grill too.”
“Unfortunately, I missed the grill section in med school.”
He grinned. “Fuck it, I’m going to flip them.”
I walked to the edge of the porch and held onto the railing tightly.
I’d been so close, too fucking close to throwing nine months of sobriety out the goddamn window.
And for what?
A quick thrill? A way to shut my brain off for a couple of hours?
Hadn’t I learned a damn thing?
Maybe I was wrong, maybe I lied when I told Frederic everything was under control.
Because right now, hanging onto the wooden railing, trying to center myself back to Earth, I felt the furthest thing from being in control.
Maybe it was time to finally suck out the poison, or better yet, cut off the infected limb once and for all.
Closing the grill, he came to my side and stared out into the ranch enveloped in darkness. “The starts always the worst.”
I cleared my throat. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
A beat of silence passed before he dug into his back trouser pocket and pulled out a coin.
Except it was bigger than any coin I knew.
Twirling it between his fingers, he said, “My name is Flynn Reynolds, and I am three years sober.”
I opened my mouth only to shut it quickly.
His lips curved into a small smile. “It’s been a hell of a journey, a fucking brutal one at that, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
It twigged in my mind suddenly why I recognized him. Flynn Reynolds was Evelyn’s younger brother.
“Look, man, I am not here to pry or give you some speech about how help is out there when we both know you’re fully aware of that.”
The muscles in my jaw tightened painfully.
“I only brought you out here to get you away from all that shit in there. Being around that stuff when you’re trying to stop is worse than a kick in the balls.”
“How did you know?” I asked lowly.
“Apart from the fact you looked like a lamb being led to slaughter?”
Tightening my grip on the railing, my knuckles screamed at me to stop.
“I guess I know that look all too well,” Flynn shrugged.
“Spent years telling myself that drinking until I blacked out wasn’t a problem, because it’s university, everyone does it.
And that I only did cocaine occasionally, so it didn’t count.
But the second my sister tried to talk to me about it, I froze up. I always fucking froze.”
Car headlights blinked into existence in the distance.
Out of the corner of my eye, Flynn flipped the chip once more before placing it safely back into his pocket.
“That’s when the lying started. Easier to lie than admit the truth. Everyone called me a fuck up, they joked about it behind my back and to my face,” he admitted. “Telling them the truth, it felt like I was accepting myself to that fate and admitting they were right.”
“Trust me, I understand that feeling.”
“Every day I woke up, I couldn’t breathe. There was a weight on my chest that refused to budge. The drugs, the alcohol, the partying, the constant lies—they were suffocating me.”
I swallowed against the invisible force wrapping around my throat. “Is that when you knew?”
“Knew what?”
“That you needed help.”
He watched the headlights come up the dirt path toward the house. “Not a first. I didn’t realize I needed to hit rock bottom before something in my brain switched.”
At this point, I didn’t believe there was a rock bottom, but rather an endless pit I kept falling deeper into.
“I hurt my sister badly,” Flynn’s voice wavered. “She didn’t deserve the pain I caused her. She’s done so much for me, she put her life on hold for me, and I betrayed her because I was upset with her.”
A feeling I knew all too well.
“Then my dad passed away, and after all the shit I did to Evie, she still looked after me during those months. She didn’t give up on me, not for a single second.”
I turned my attention fully to Flynn. His head was bowed, his brows pinched together, and for a second, it was as if I was looking in a mirror.
“I went to rehab because she made me believe I deserved better. When everyone else gave up on me, she refused. I wanted to be the man she believed still existed beneath all my shit.”
Evelyn was a force to be reckoned with. Not only had she helped Flynn, but she had also healed the parts of Jaxon that he couldn’t.
They were lucky to have someone like her who cared so deeply for the people in her life.
Like I had Livi.
No, not like her. Not when she took the secrets I trusted her with and handed them to the one person I tried so goddamn hard to hide them from.
“I owe my sister everything,” Flynn said firmly. “If it wasn’t for her, I’d probably be dead.”
The headlights of a cab drove around the side of the house and headed for the front door.
“Eleven months ago, I lost everything to several casinos. Every dime, every damn cent, gone.” I forced myself not to look away. “For years, for too long, I’ve struggled with alcohol, prescription and non-prescription drugs, and over the last couple years, gambling too.”
Flynn remained silent.
“I thought I had it all under control. I quit taking prescription drugs, I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in months, and the last time I placed a bet was that fateful day eleven months ago.”
Pushing my shoulders back, I urged myself not to break, to finally open up and set the demons free.
“But every day is a constant fight. It feels like I’m treading choppy water, my head just above the surface, while I wait for the next wave to come and drag me back under until I can no longer see the surface.”
“A feeling that doesn’t go away without help,” Flynn said gently yet matter-of-fact.
“I’d be lying if I said when I moved to New York, I wanted to get help.
It felt like it was something I had to do because of a promise I made, not because I wanted to do it,” I continued.
“But I utterly convinced myself that a life of solitude was safer because that way I could keep hiding my issues.”
“What changed?”
“Like you said, you find someone who sees the person you want to be hidden deep beneath all the shit. For the first time, I don’t want to hide anymore or try to survive alone.
I want help because I want a future where I can be better, for not just the woman I am falling in love with, but for myself too. ”
“Admitting that is the first step,” Flynn offered a smile. “Choosing help over hiding, I won’t lie, it’s terrifying, but trust me, it’s worth it.”
I nodded, slowly releasing my grip on the railing and looked back out into the distance.
I was falling in love with Livi.
To be honest, I think I fell for her the second I laid eyes on her in the emergency room.
And although she may have told Frederic the truth, deep down, I knew she did it because she wanted to help me.
I mean, how could I hold that against her? Not when she continued to change me for the better.
Exhaling slowly into the chilling air, I said, “My name is Elliott Dade and I am an addict.”
“No fucking way.”
Flynn and I turned in unison.
The universe had a funny yet wicked way of messing with people.
Time moved in slow motion, my heart stopping mid-beat in my chest as we came face to face with the one person I never wanted to hear my admission.
A shit-eating, feral grin spread across Daniel’s punchable face. “Well, well, well, this is going to be fun.”