Nine #2
I understand what he means, the same way I understand why he said “person” not “woman.” Everything about him starts to make sense.
He shakes his head at himself. “Everything with Natalie has made me wonder. If I can’t have sex without feeling connected to someone, did I convince myself that having sex with her meant she loved me? ”
Turning his body to face me, he looks for a real answer, not reassurance. He trusts me enough to be open with me. That’s an amazing feeling—being someone’s safe space. But am I safe for him?
Is not telling him what Natalie said helping him or hurting him? Does fantasizing about being with him mean I’m fantasizing about causing the same damage she did?
“You were together for a long time. People don’t usually stay with someone for years if they don’t love them in some way.
But not all love is romantic love,” I tell him.
“From what she said to me, she did love you, but she wasn’t in love with you.
Blurring that line is very easy to do if you don’t communicate openly. ”
“Like we do?”
That catches me off guard. “I guess so.”
“Natalie and I definitely didn’t do that.
” His eyes drop from mine. “In hindsight, I see where I got it twisted. We couldn’t be open about our relationship, or whatever it was, when it started, and I got used to that.
But when she . . . We went through a rough time that bonded us together.
Maybe our definition of ‘together’ was different. ”
“I feel you.” I couldn’t have been more open with David about my commitment to him and what I wanted from our future; meanwhile, he was nodding his head in agreement and lying through his teeth.
“Do you think I should?” he asks.
“Should what?”
“Sleep with someone else. Find someone trustworthy that I won’t fall for. Prove to myself that sex and love are two different things.”
“Only if you want to.”
His eyes linger on mine, and I try my best not to read into it. Liem always makes intense eye contact. People with pretty eyes seem to do that. It’s a look, nothing more, but he should be aware of how lethal his face can be when I’m having the cravings I am right now.
“Do whatever feels right,” I say to end the silence.
He nods. “Whatever feels right.”
The last sip of wine warms my chest and stomach yet fails to distract from the heat burning lower. Liem takes his own drink, and if I didn’t know him better, I would think he felt the same pull toward me. But that’s not him. And now I understand why.
Suddenly, he looks away, his teeth gnawing thoughts onto the corner of his lips. Those agonizingly beautiful lips.
“Hey, Bri?”
“Yes?”
“When you said you wanted sex . . . you meant—”
The spine-tingling sound of a video call rings on his laptop. He groans and gives me a rueful look. Our conversation is over, and it couldn’t have happened at a more inopportune time.
“I’ll leave you to it,” I tell him. “Go to sleep before two a.m., okay?”
“No promises,” he says.
When I’m out of his webcam’s view, he answers the call. I seal myself in my room with a sigh.
~
The next morning is for the dogs. Literally.
I picked up another walk appointment in a building up the street from my other clients.
A sweet old lab who loves everyone, especially the bringer of treats and walks.
He sits with me at the park, giving the occasional sniff to other dogs, enjoying his time in the fresh air.
After dropping him off, I offer a discounted rate for future walks in the hopes of getting him as a regular.
After my time with the old man, I get home early in the afternoon, wondering if Liem will be awake after his nearly all-nighter.
He seems used to the lack of sleep. Like an owl, he gains a predatory level of focus after dusk, hunting down numbers—or whatever the fuck he does—with his full attention.
Inside, the apartment is quiet. Walking by his room, I catch a glimpse of him undressing for his shower.
Before I can get close enough to say hi, he pulls the shirt over his head, displaying a rather appetizing view of what’s hiding underneath.
His body is tight, but I didn’t know he had all of that.
Slim and buff, his abs make that perfect V dusted with hair trailing down to his—shit!
I look away and flee, but not before I see it.
Liem’s dick. Does he not wear underwear? I wish I hadn’t seen it.
The enticing way he grooms himself so well is akin to a peacock, minus the cockiness.
He moves through life like an anthropomorphized mood board.
He is a perfect, unattainable aesthetic come to life.
If I was a lesser woman, I would have walked into his bedroom and finished removing his pants myself.
A quick fuck is all I want, and after our conversation last night, that’s the complete opposite of what Liem needs. As convenient as it would be, Liem matters too much to me to put him in that position. Or let him put me in that position. Any position he wants.
The shower running in the bathroom is enough for me to feel safe. This won’t take long anyway.
Sliding my pants off my legs, tossing them to the side, pulling my panties down just enough.
My little toy looks like a candle when it’s closed, and when it’s open, it’s the perfect boyfriend: quiet, thorough, vibrating like a dream come true.
It can get me to the finish line in two minutes flat on its highest setting.
Overstimulated in the worst way, my eyes pinch closed for focus, and all I see is the top of Liem’s penis.
The fat base of Liem’s groomed penis. A moan slips from me before I can catch it.
I stifle the next one into a hum. His hands on me, that look in his eyes, the heat that made me want to risk it all, and . . . fuck.
I can’t hold in my cry when the orgasm hits me. I bury my face into the pillow, shaking as intensely as the vibrations against my most special spot. I can only take it for a few seconds before I have to toss it away to let myself come down. As I do, the embarrassment sets in.
I’m horny, yes, but I’m still fantasizing about Liem after he told me his truth? That’s low for me, no matter how high he makes me feel.