Thirty-three
Bri
It happened this morning. Two weeks before my birthday, and the stars are finally beginning to align for me.
The email makes my heart race with excitement every time I read it.
We would like to invite you to interview with us early next month. Please let us know what days and times work best for you.
Lisa
The first thing I wanted to do was scream and, directly after that, call Liem, but it’s still so hard for me to trust that good things will happen.
Imposter syndrome, having a chronic illness, being a Black woman in a professional setting—whatever the source of my trepidation, it makes me want to keep the news close to the chest until it’s real.
After a quick, My schedule is open. Whatever works best for you, it’s become a waiting game again, making me check my email every thirty seconds in case I somehow miss a notification. I want to pin down a date expeditiously, make sure it’s—
My phone vibrates the pattern of my email notification, and my heart races.
Jace has an opening in the morning on December 14th then she will be out of the state for two weeks. Does that work for you?
Lisa
On my birthday? What am I going to do? Delay my chance because I want the full day to cry over the end of my twenties?
I take a deep breath, telling myself to wait at least five minutes before sending off a response. Why are you waiting? Like it will make them think you have options? Trying to wait to text back so you don’t seem too thirsty? This is a job, not a date. The fuck?
After arguing with myself in my head, I forget the five-minute wait and email her back.
That’s perfect. See you then!
Bri
My pace quickens with the rush of adrenaline. There’s only two blocks left to Junie’s office, where she will trade me her car for a ride to the airport and house-sitting while she’s on vacation. Such a difficult offer to accept.
It’s the final countdown in a few ways. I’m giving Keisha some space to be alone with her stupid husband before the baby arrives.
She still seems thankful to have me around, especially when I’m doing laundry or picking up all the chores that have become harder while carrying around a watermelon in her uterus.
With only a month left, they need to sleep as much as possible while they still can.
Liem and I haven’t been speaking as often as we used to.
He says it’s because of work, but I’m not sure our last time together went well for either of us.
I want to protect him, always, and doing that means I have to redraw the boundaries he put in place.
Until I’m confident we will not repeat the past and hurt each other, I can’t entertain something more with him.
Living with him, becoming his girlfriend, whatever it would be.
He’s still my best friend, and I miss him.
I call him, and the phone rings and rings. When I end the call, his text comes through.
Liem: In a meeting.
He doesn’t text like that. It’s an auto-generated response. He’s too busy to write a sentence? I feel bad for him. And for me.
Finally, I arrive at the office, only to find Junie’s shades are down and her assistant is gone for the day. She’s meticulous about her privacy during tough meetings, so she must be in one that’s running late.
I sit in the lobby, waiting for her to finish up whatever she needs to do, watching the clock tick down.
When more of the office lights go out, I feel awkward sitting alone in the dark.
For a moment, I worry she left and didn’t tell me, but the light is still on inside.
Let me go poke my head in and make sure she hasn’t lost track of time.
“Junie, are you—oh my god!” I close her door, but not before I see her sitting on her desk, legs spread wide for the tall, dark, and handsome male specimen between her thighs. I cover my gaping mouth, trying to process what I just saw. Junie’s getting some. At work.
After they finish up, they walk out of her office, exchanging a nonchalant nod like they just wrapped up a meeting. They may have wrapped something up. Or not. I’ll find out.
Before I can say a word, she grabs me by the arm and drags me to the elevators. My face is stuck in an Ooh, I know what you’ve been doin’ expression.
She waits until we’re in the elevator on the way to the parking garage before she answers the first of my questions. “Yes, he’s my boyfriend.”
“What?” Sneaky link, I expected, but boyfriend? We’re using titles. “How? Who? When? Also, why?”
“His name is Sean, we’ve been seeing each other for almost a year, and—”
“A year?”
“Yes. Because he technically works for me until next week. He’s transferring to another department, then we’ll disclose our relationship after a couple of months.”
The elevator doors open into the garage. We walk to her car in silence as if the security cameras will catch all her secrets. The second we’re in the car, I need to learn more.
“You have plans,” I say.
“Yes, bitch. Did you think I’m going to Punta Cana by myself?”
“Oh my god.” I could cry happy tears if I didn’t have to drive. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There was nothing between us until there was. Then we decided it wasn’t going to be a thing because it couldn’t be a thing, and now . . . it’s definitely a thing.”
“But a year?”
“We’ve only been serious for six months or so.
We made it official right before you went to New York.
Then there was your breakup, then Keisha’s baby news, all while I was focused on getting partner.
Life was moving fast, and we were enjoying whatever we had in private. Sound familiar?” She means me and Liem.
Junie has always been career first. She was my role model of independence, reminding me of my momma in the way she purposefully avoided dating while focusing on her career. Turns out, she wasn’t.
“I really like him. Well . . . I kind of . . .”
“You love him?”
“Yeah. I do.”
She won’t look at me, but the soft grin on her face makes me melt. My bestie is in love, and I had no idea. “I’m so happy for you.”
She bats a hand against my arm. Can’t let a boss bitch get mushy now, can we? “You could have that too, you know.” I swear she wants me to be with Liem more than we want to be with each other.
“How tall is Sean? Like six foot ten?”
“Six eight. Don’t change the subject. I want you to be happy. You are not happy. All this dread over entering your thirties is casting this awful shadow over you, and I hate to see it.” She’s right. “Shake it off. Do what makes you happy. Be with him.”
If only it were that easy.
~
With Junie off to her dream vacation with her dream man after having her dream sex, I sit on her couch, counting the minutes that have passed since Liem was set to be off work.
Finally, my phone vibrates with a call.
“There you are.”
“Hey, sorry, I just left work.”
“It’s almost eleven!”
“I’m telling you, work is insane.”
“I’m so sorry, Hoodie. I have good news, though.”
“One sec, I’m getting in the elevator.”
Now I have to wait longer to tell him about the email.
The countdown is a screaming clock. Every day, time pushes me closer to the edge of my twenties, threatening to shove me into the empty chasm of the thirties, naked, unskilled, and unhoused.
All that will keep me from spiraling out on the day is the party Keisha insists she is planning.
With Junie and her big job, Keisha and her big job and her baby, and all our friends who are exactly like them, I am going to be ugly crying in all my pictures.
This isn’t where I wanted to be at this stage in my life and I have no one to blame but myself.
I’ve felt so close yet so far from the dream I’ve been chasing. Until I got this interview.
The video call request comes through. His gorgeous face makes me miss him even more. “You look tired,” I say. “Fine as hell, but tired.”
He can’t even muster a blush at my compliment. That, or he’s used to it. “I’m exhausted, but thank you.”
“You’re working too much.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“Can I give you some good news?”
“Please do.”
“I got an interview!”
He perks up. “Really? Where?”
Where? He doesn’t know it isn’t in LA, and I don’t want him to know yet either. “The firm of that woman I met at the gallery event when you were here.”
The uncomfortable memories must hit him too. It takes him a beat too long to say, “I’m really happy for you. And I’m one hundred percent sure they are going to love you.”
His use of that word adds another layer to our awkward sandwich. “Thank you, Hoodie. The interview is on my birthday. Not ideal. but at least I’ll get to knock it out in the morning and get to see you that night for the festivities.”
He sits with a sigh, looking rather serious. “There’s something I have to tell you.”
The last of my cheerfulness withers at his words. “That doesn’t sound good.”
He frowns. It lacks sincerity, as if he’s not upset about what he’s going to say next. “This project is harder than we expected, and they want it done before the holidays. Our deadline is the week after your birthday.”
His words fall onto my skin like cold rain, as if the melancholy of Seattle is coming through his phone. “You won’t be able to make it to my party.”
“I’m so sorry, Bri.”
The gravity sinks slowly onto my shoulders, crushing me. I won’t see him on the day I want his warmth the most. My heart aches.
“I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” he says. “We can meet up somewhere the following week and have a great time.”
“I’ll have to work, but yeah. We can hang.”
“I’m really sorry,” he says again. I nibble my lip to hide its quivering. “Please don’t cry.”
Too late. I swipe the tear from my cheek, pushing words past the lump in my throat. “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal. I’m just in my head about turning thirty, and I’ve turned a day into a monster. It’s my fault.”
“Listen to me. We’re going to do something really special to celebrate your day, I promise.”
I nod, doing my best to hide the emotion still welling inside me.
Of course I want to see him whenever I can, and with the amount of dread I have surrounding my birthday—this birthday, specifically—I need my person.
But I’m the one who has been pushing him away, telling him we can’t be more than friends when we’ve always been more than friends.
“A birthday is just a day,” I say. “We’ll celebrate whenever you’re—”
“Shit,” he says, lifting his phone. “It’s Sai again. I have to go, I’m sorry. I’ll call you when I have dates pinned down.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.”
The call ends, and my arm goes limp, my phone tumbling onto the cushion in front of me.
My life doesn’t feel complete without Liem. If I can land this job, I won’t have any excuse left to push him away.
I need this to work, because I need to be happy again. I need him.
Because I love him more than I’ll let myself admit.