CHAPTER NINETEEN BE AFRAID WITH ME
ROWAN
I woke to Shaarr threatening medical staff. Normal enough.
"If anyone reconnects that interface—"
"Nobody is reconnecting anything."
Juno sounded tired.
"Then why is it still in his neck?"
"Because removing implanted military hardware from a conscious patient requires consent."
Silence. I smiled before opening my eyes. Progress. Juno noticed first.
"Welcome back."
I opened both eyes. Human ceiling. Southern outpost. No cave-in.
No Rootmaws. No obvious death.
"How long?"
"Nine hours."
Shaarr appeared beside the bed. He looked terrible. Cracked shoulder armor. Fresh bandage at the leg.
Dried blood beneath one jaw plate. I liked his face anyway. Annoying.
"Motor function," Juno said.
I moved both hands. All fingers.
"Vision?"
"Still cursed with it."
"Pain?"
I considered lying. Shaarr's expression stopped me.
"Four."
Juno nodded.
"Better."
"Can I leave?"
"No."
"Expected."
"You are not using that neural interface again."
"Ever?"
"Correct."
"That's dramatic."
Shaarr growled. Juno pointed at him.
"This is one of the rare moments I'm allowing him to strengthen my argument."
"Unfair."
"Effective."
He scanned me one last time. Then left. The room changed. Shaarr remained outside touching distance. Of course I noticed.
"You can sit."
"I am not tired."
"Your leg says otherwise."
He stared. Then sat. I smiled. He disliked that too.
"Nursery?"
"Stable."
"All nine?"
"Alive."
Good.
"Rootmaws?"
"Returned below the western root band."
"All?"
"Most."
"Will they stay?"
"We do not know."
Honest. Better.
"We'll monitor."
"Yes."
We. The word sat there. Neither touched it. I looked at my hands.
"I came back before you forgave me."
"Yes."
"Not to force anything."
"I know."
"And I'd do it again."
"I know."
"You say that a lot."
"Only when I do."
I looked at him. The usual defenses were gone. No anger. No old guardian authority.
Just Shaarr.
"I remember Kael's final day every time I want you," he said.
My chest tightened. He looked toward the window.
"He left."
"Yes."
"I let him."
"Yes."
"I believed waiting caused his death."
"It didn't."
"I know."
The words were quiet. Certain. New. I stayed silent.
"I spent twenty-six rotations treating desire like advance notice of grief."
"That's efficient."
His good eye narrowed.
"Bad joke."
"Very."
"But accurate."
"Yes."
I waited. He continued.
"When my receptor recognized you, I saw Kael."
I nodded.
"Then human armor."
That one hurt. Still fair.
"Then the weapon."
"Yes."
"And I thought wanting you meant choosing all of it again."
His claws curled against his knee.
"Loss. Powerlessness. Failure."
"You left one out."
"What?"
"Me."
He looked at me. I swallowed.
"Whatever else I remind you of, I'm still me."
The receptor between us warmed. Not violently. Present.
"I know that now."
Good. I wanted to say it. Didn't. He leaned forward.
"I do not forgive what you withheld because you returned."
"Good."
His brow plate moved. I smiled slightly.
"Sorry. Banned word."
Something like amusement moved through his face. Then vanished.
"You were wrong."
"I was."
"I was also wrong."
"About?"
"Trust."
He looked directly at me.
"I thought trust meant never giving someone the opportunity to hurt you."
"That's not trust."
"No."
"What is it?"
His answer took time.
"Knowing what they do after they have the opportunity."
That landed. I looked away because my eyes were suddenly irritating.
"That's annoyingly decent."
"Juno has damaged my language."
"Probably."
"Rowan."
I looked back.
"I am afraid."
There. The entire man. No armor around it. I let the silence hold.
Then:
"Me too."
"I may lose you."
"Yes."
"You may leave."
"Yes."
"You may decide not to complete the bond."
"Yes."
He hated every answer. That was the point. I reached toward him. Stopped.
"May I?"
His gaze dropped to my hand. Then back.
"Yes."
I put my palm against his wrist. Warm armor. Steady pulse. His hand turned beneath mine. Claws retracted before his fingers closed around me.
"I don't think the fear goes away," I said.
"Then what do we do with it?"
"Stop using it to choose for each other."
He went still. Then his grip tightened once. Not restraint. Agreement.
"Be afraid with me," I said.
His receptor brightened.
"I want you."
My pulse jumped.
"I know."
"I want the hunt."
That changed the room. Heat. Memory. A promise he had made before either of us trusted what might come after it.
"Not today."
"Obviously."
"I'm still injured."
"I know."
"Juno would murder us."
"Vorrn would help."
I laughed.
"When?"
"When you are cleared."
"Responsible."
"I dislike it."
"Better."
"And only if you still choose."
I squeezed his wrist.
"Ask me then."
"I will."
No declaration that fear had been conquered. No promise that nothing bad could happen. Just two men finally agreeing not to let fear write the answer first. For now, that was enough.