Chapter 2 #7
Yet… a part of me, knowing nothing would fix this or my butthurt feelings, yelled in my head, God, does any of it REALLY matter?
He ditched you. You were kids. No one actually cares. Get over it. Grow up, Pru!
Yet here I stood, sitting in my feels, like I was a sniveling teen again, standing in front of the boy I used to love more than anything, maybe in more ways than I’d ever admitted, asking him why he didn’t love me back. Why didn’t he keep me?
Like a little lightbulb went off over my head, or maybe the sudden blank washing over me was my brain hitting the emergency shut off switch before I imploded, it felt like a shock of clarity stabbing at me. Clarity or a heart attack? Maybe a stroke? The odds were probably not in my favor.
“I don’t know why I care.” My hands lifted, a self deprecating laugh escaping me, before my hands fell limply, arms flopping to my sides.
My voice cracked as I spoke— the bull crap I was shoving down rushing up felt like it was stuck in my throat and choking me.
“I’m moving. Leaving. It doesn’t fucking matter.
It never did, did it? Not really. Certainly not to you.
I- No. It doesn’t matter. Time to grow the hell up.
” Hands falling to my sides, I turned, shaking my head, and waved him off.
“Whatever’s in that box, I really don’t want it.
If you don’t either,” I called over my shoulder, “I dunno, burn it, dump it at the curb with the rest of the past I’ll be letting go of.
Use it for kindling. I’m all out of shits to give. ”
“Pru- It not- It-”
There it was again, that soft, sweet, cajoling tone.
No. I couldn’t. If it was motivated by even a fragment of pity, I’d explode.
If I let him back in and he just dumped me again I’d-
I don’t know what I did, what I’d do, but like fuck was I going to allow myself to blindly wade back into this shit.
Waving him off, I stepped inside, grabbed the door and made to close it shut firmly behind me. My efforts were blocked by a brunet giant.
Whirling around on him, I snarled, uncaring how I sounded, what I looked like, “Why do you have to come around NOW? Why come to me NOW? After all this fucking time, Elm…” Tears rolled down my cheeks anew.
My skin pinkened. Embarrassment would normally be my go to but I was angry and it felt good to let it, misdirected as much of it might be, out on someone, anyone.
“You ditched me! You were my best friend, my everything, and you just dropped me like I was nothing! You don’t get to come back around.
You don’t get to do this to me! You don’t get the closure you’re obviously looking for.
” Flipping him off, glaring up at him, I bared my teeth at him.
“This is all you’ll be getting from me, Elm Tree!
Do you hear me? Do you understand? This!
” Lifting my hand higher, middle finger out and up, I shoved it in his face.
Brushing the hair he preferred hanging forward back, his deep green eyes were storm clouds, where his expression otherwise remained perfectly blanked.
He was letting me see but I was past the point of caring, of rational conversation and thought.
I didn’t want to see, not right now. Things had bubbled over.
I’d reached my boiling point. I wanted to let it out, all of it, instead of letting it fester inside of me, instead of calming down and being rational.
This wasn’t just the past, it was so much more than that.
It was the culmination of everything, the accident, losing both of my parents in one go, wading through the mess left in their wake, losing the house, all rolling over into this giant pile of shit I’d love nothing more than to run away from and pretend everything was fine.
He’d just been unfortunate enough to be the main character in the sidequest I’d fixated on in some ridiculous attempt to distract me from everything that was truly eating at me.
“Not- Not want to let Pru go,” Elm blurted.
“Well, you’re going to have to let go of the door and say bye-bye, Elmy-welmy.
I’ve got boxes to pack and, god knows, you’ve got things to do, right?
Too busy to be a part of my life things.
This is my turn. I don’t have time for YOU.
Sit with that, see how it feels, then maybe you’ll have an inkling of my life, yeah?
” Realizing belatedly he had not in fact literally meant the door and was referring to the past, our past, my eyes narrowed to tiny, disbelieving little slits.
Instead of calling bullshit, I took a deep breath, smoothed out my expression, and shrugged my shoulders.
“I’m over it. It was a long time ago. Who cares about kiddie bullshit?
” Me. Very much. I was dying to pepper him with questions, to insist on answers, to keep pushing until it made sense, until I felt settled.
The rational part of me knew that whatever he offered me wouldn’t satisfy me.
It wouldn’t fix what had gone down. We’d never be able to go back to the way we were.
“Not ‘llowed no more. Have no choice,” he rushed out, like he was already cottoning on to where I was headed, accepting whatever he said without more if only to get him the hell out of my doorway.
“Good to know,” I clipped out, anger thick in my tone. So he was barred from being my friend? So then all those years I’d wondered if it was me, it probably was? Goody. This was turning out to be a fun day of revelations.
“Not want to. Elm have no choice.” He fidgeted hard in place, hands lifting to fall like he wanted to reach out to me but didn’t want to risk the rejection.
“Maybe it was for the best,” I offered, my tone light. It was the biggest pile of crap and we both knew it. My body was rigid, shoulders tense, arms folded tightly over my chest. I just wanted- I needed him to leave.
“No want to,” he growled out, frustration thick in his voice. “No choice.”
“Heard you the first time. Your parents thought I was a bad influence and made you give me the boot. I get it.” Unfolding my arms, I grabbed for the door again and gave it a yank. It didn’t budge. “My mama tried. I suck. We done here?”
“No! Not done here. Elm not done!” A spark of emotion turned into an avalanche. “Elm not done with Pru. Elm never done with Pru. Not want to stay ‘way. No choice!”
“Stop yelling at me! I hear you just fine from down here!” I bellowed back.
“Elm trying to say but Pru not hearing! Elm talk louder! Pru needs hear!”
“I’m not deaf, you great oaf!” Coming right up to him, I bumped my chest to his. It was near impossible with our height difference, my eyes near his nipples, but my intentions were clear. What now, punk?! “Can YOU hear ME from all the way up there? Is the air too thin?!!”
Bending his thick frame, he craned himself down to get right in my face. Our noses were nearly touching, forcing me to look at him feeling cross eyed, his image distorted, or pull back. I chose Optical Illusions During An Argument for five hundred.
“No choice,” he hissed right in my face.
“I’m about to make a choice you might regret, veggie boy, you don’t get out of my face,” I hissed back, tit for tat.
“Elm ‘bout to make choices, Pru not listen Elm,” he grumbled. His voice deepened until it was a gravelly rumble. “Elm. Have. No. Choice.”
“I’d take you more seriously if you weren’t always referring to yourself in the third person, Captain Spud!
” Elm had been in charge of the potato harvesting as he took on more chores, heading into the teen years.
He’d graciously accepted Tuber King as a running title. Anything beyond that was poking at him.
“Make Elm crazy!” he growled. Pulling back, he threw his hands up.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have reinitiated contact with me after all these years of shutting me out, asshole!
Give it a minute and I’ll be out of your damn hair, your whole family’s for that matter!
The second I find somewhere else to live, I won’t be around to drive you anywhere!
Ever again! For a start, how’s about getting your big assed foot out of my doorway! ”
Like my words were the pin poking the anger balloon puffing him up, he quickly deflated. “No want that,” he croaked out hoarsely. “Never want that.”
Disbelief and confusion warred within me. A short, shocked laugh bubbled up inside of me. “Could have fooled me.”
“Elm have no choice.”
Instead of telling him to stick that old record where the sun doesn’t shine, a snort left me. This time when my arms came around me, folding, it wasn’t defensive, it was protective, my fingers curling around the sides of my jacket, holding on for dear life.
He wasn’t making any sense and I really didn’t want to do this right now.
Dying for a way out of this, I tried yet again to offer him an escape clause. “Okay.” My head bobbed in a nod. “Alright. You’re right. I get it.”
Elm’s hands shot up, slipped into his hair, and he grabbed fistfuls of it. “No. No get it.”
“My god, am I fucking supposed to? You had no choice. Okay, you’ve said that.
But then you reached the age of majority, and this thing called adulthood came knocking.
Don’t even think to try and convince me you remained that far under your parents’ thumb, and that they think I’m that fucking awful, you chose to remain distant all these years after! What changed?!”
When he looked like he might respond, I kept going. I was far from done.
We were gonna have this all out, right now, right here, and then he could kiss my ass, good-bye!
“You had choices! We all do! And you know what? Yours sucked!” Jabbing a finger at his chest, I barked, “YOU suck! You never once chose me and now I’m doing what you couldn’t. I choose ME.”
Stepping back, hands dropping to fist at his sides, he muttered a string of growling gibberish I only caught bits of, something about Cy and dibs and finally something about him not caring.