Chapter 26
“Okay, why are you with this guy again?” Lennon closes the door of my Jeep and meets me at the back of it.
I’m parked in the alley behind the bakery after purchasing all the groceries I need to make samples from my menu for the farmers’
market this weekend.
And I just told her about my date with Duffy. And the good-night kiss.
In retrospect, I could’ve made it all sound a little better than it was, but I didn’t have the energy.
Since the comic convention, we’ve been texting back and forth, and while Duffy might not be an obvious choice, I really do
like him. Which is what I tell Lennon as I slip plastic bags onto my arms. “He’s really nice. He makes going to the dentist
fun. I know, because yesterday, he invited me to his office for a teeth cleaning.”
She stops moving and stares at me. “He cleaned your teeth.”
“It was very pleasant.” I start marching toward the door. “He has a great chairside manner.”
“This guy’s hands have been in your mouth?” She winces.
“Well, when you put it like that,” I say.
“Claire, you can’t be serious.”
I unlock the door and walk in, hauling the bags up onto the brushed metal counter at the center of the space. “I am serious.
I’ve given this a lot of thought.”
Because I am trying really hard not to think about Miles, which I think but don’t say.
I slide my arms out of the bags and look at her. “He’s successful and smart and quirky and kind. And he likes me. A lot. He told me so. Several times.”
She looks unconvinced.
Same, actually.
I press on. “There are no games, no big mysteries. He wants to be in a relationship. With me. Do you know how refreshing that
is?”
“Okay, but . . .” She puts her hands on my arms and waits for me to look at her. “Do you want to be in a relationship with him?” Her eyes are wide. “Does he make you feel tingly inside? Do you think about him when you’re not together? When he holds
your hand, do you feel like someone flipped a switch and everything is just a little brighter?”
I stare at her.
“Yeah. I thought so.” She shakes her head slowly. “That’s what you deserve, Claire.”
The words hang there, true as steel.
“You deserve all the things,” she says, dropping her hands from my arms. “Passion, and nervousness, and excitement, and butterflies,
and all of it.” She pauses. “That’s not this guy.”
I close my eyes and draw in a slow breath. “I can’t hold out for all of that, Lennon. I’ll end up alone.”
She crosses her arms and frowns. “What about Miles?”
I start pulling ingredients out of the grocery bags. “What about Miles?”
“There’s a lot of tension between you two—”
“You’ve been around us once.”
“And there was tension.” She walks around to the opposite side of the counter and opens one of the bags. “The good kind.”
She shoots me a look. “I just kind of thought, you know, you guys needed some time to figure it out.”
Oh, I figured it out all right.
I shake my head. “Miles isn’t on the market.”
“Oh.” She frowns. “Is he with someone?”
I stop moving and look at her. “He’s off-limits. He’s made that clear, and it’s totally fine. And understandable. Something
happened to him, something in his marriage, and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship ever again.”
She eyes me for a long moment, tilting her head slowly like she’s reading my mind. “Something happened between you two.”
I freeze. There is no way I’m going to be able to open my mouth to say a single word where it won’t be obvious to Lennon that
I’m lying. “It was nothing.”
“Oh my gosh, it was totally not nothing,” she says, a slow smile creeping across her face. “He flipped your switch.” She wags
her eyebrows at me.
I bark out a laugh. “What? No, he didn’t.” I pull two boxes of baking soda from the bags and walk them over to a shelf that
I’ve only just now decided will be where they will live.
She follows me.
And stares.
I make a face.
She tilts her head toward me with her eyebrows raised.
It’s weird—she’s not saying anything, but I feel the increased pressure, and I can’t stand it anymore, so I blurt out, “Fine.
Yes. We kissed.”
“Ha!”
“Once. It was . . .” I sigh like a lovesick middle schooler.
She leans back, eyebrows still raised.
I find the only word to describe it. “Amazing.”
“I knew it.”
“Nobody’s kissed me like that in . . .” I pause, trying to remember. “Nobody’s ever kissed me like that. But immediately after,
we both agreed it was a mistake and it can’t happen again.”
Lennon rolls her eyes. “Oh, please.”
“Which is why I am throwing everything into making this thing with Duffy work.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” She walks back to the counter and pulls out a bag of lemons and two cartons of
strawberries.
“It’s not dumb,” I say. “It’s self-preservation.”
“More like self-sabotage,” she says. “You’re settling. You like Miles. You’re both adults—why is it so complicated?”
Yeah, Claire, why is it so complicated?
I go still. “You don’t know how hard it was to recover after John left.” I look at her. “I didn’t leave my house. I got really
angry and depressed. I didn’t take care of myself . . .” My gaze falls to the floor. “I can’t do that again, and if I let
myself fall for Miles, who does not want a relationship—” I snap my jaw shut and look away, a traitorous tear giving me away.
She drops a carton of blueberries and walks around the counter and pulls me into a tight hug. “I am so, so sorry for what you went through, Claire.” She squeezes me so tight, I’m stunned frozen.
“Hug me back,” she says over my shoulder.
I laugh through fresh tears, then bring my arms up around her. I can’t remember the last time I hugged anyone or the last
time anyone hugged me.
She pulls back and looks at me. “I understand your hesitation. I really do. Every time I saw a negative pregnancy test, I
wanted to quit. It felt too painful to try again. But, Claire, I have to point out the obvious here.”
A tear streams down my cheek.
“You survived it,” she says. “You made it. You’re still here. More than that, you’re thriving. I mean, look at you. You gave
your body and your mind and your heart time to heal, and you made a decision to start again. Do you know how amazing you are?”
I stand there dumbfounded, sitting in the remnants of her words, not sure how to process what she’s said.
“You don’t,” she says. “I can see it in your face. What you did is incredible.” She looks around. “What you’re doing is incredible. Why would you take all these amazing risks in every area of your life except the one that makes the most difference?”
I wipe my eyes, not sure how to feel about any of this. “I’m convinced that I can be happy with a safer kind of love. That’s
all.” I look at her.
She smiles. “But denying yourself the happiness of falling in love—really falling . . . it’s like driving home just when the fireworks are about to begin.”
I lean against the counter. “I don’t need fireworks. I’m okay with safe. I’m okay with fine. Duffy is a good man.” I look at her. “And he would never cheat on me.”
Lennon’s eyes go soft at the corners as she studies me. “You can’t possibly know that, Claire.”
“He’s just not the type,” I say, defensive.
“Nobody is the type,” she says, “until they are. You can’t keep yourself in a box. There’s no reward without the risk.”
She steps closer and takes my hands.
“Love is worth the risk.”
I shake my head. “Spoken like a woman who is married to the best man on the planet.”
She grins. “He really is.” A pause, then she leans toward me. “What if you let yourself believe that maybe it’s all going
to work out exactly as it’s supposed to?”
I think about my journal. I crossed off “I don’t knows” and replaced them all with “what ifs.” But was that only symbolic?
“Just think about it, Claire.” She opens the refrigerator and sticks two gallons of milk inside. “You might be pushing to
make it work with Duffy because you’re too afraid of your feelings for Miles.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
That’s exactly what I’m doing.
“Good,” she says. “Because that wouldn’t be fair to him. And it’s really not fair to you.”
John: My lawyer did some digging. He thinks he can get you out of the lease on that bakery.
Claire: Please stop digging, and please stop helping.
John: You’re making a huge mistake.
Claire: It’s mine to make.
John: Seriously. It’s madness.
Oh, and did you come up with anything idea-wise for the account?