Chapter 8
I try gauging Noel's face when we arrive at my house. It’s not fancy like the homes on Barkley land, but it’s solid. A place where a kid can grow up feeling safe. Like they belong somewhere.“Ready?” I ask, reaching for her hand.
She nods, but her smile is shaky. This isn’t just meeting my daughter—this is stepping into my whole life—the life I built without her.Inside, Rosa and Jelena are in the kitchen. My girl’s sitting at the counter, coloring with the focused determination only a four-year-old can muster. Rosa looks up from where she’s chopping vegetables, her expression carefully neutral.
“Noel, this is Rosalee.” I make the introduction. “And you remember Jelena.”
Jelena peeks up from her artwork, more shy now than she was at the tree farm. “Hi,” she whispers.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Noel says softly, and something in my chest tightens at the gentleness in her voice.
“Rosa’s been with us since Jelena was two,” I explain, moving to the coffee maker. Keeping my hands busy helps with the awkwardness. “She was friends with Marisol, and her husband Trick was one of my closest friends in the club.”
“Was?” Noel asks quietly.
“Trick died a year before he adopted Jelena,” Rosa answers, her knife stilling on the cutting board. “After that… well, sometimes family isn’t about blood.”
I watch the understanding dawn on Noel’s face. We’re all carrying losses, all trying to build something new from the pieces left behind.
“Daddy!” Jelena’s voice breaks through the heavy moment. “You promised snowman.”
“Did I?” I scratch my chin and feign ignorance before I turn to Noel. “Want to help us build the world’s best snowman?”entire face
Her smile lights up her face. “I’d love to.”
Outside, the December air bites at our cheeks as we roll increasingly larger balls of snow. Jelena runs around us, collecting sticks for arms and rocks for buttons. When she slips on an icy patch, Noel and I reach for her at the same time. She giggles as we catch her, and for a moment, it feels like we’ve been doing this forever.
“He needs a hat,” Jelena declares once the snowman is assembled. “And a carrot nose!”
“I’ll get them,” Rosa calls from the porch where she’s been watching us. When she returns, she’s carrying not just a hat and carrot but also a scarf that she artistically wraps around our creation’s neck.
“Perfect!” Jelena claps her mittened hands. “Can we have hot chocolate now?”
Back inside, Rosa serves her special hot chocolate—the kind with real melted chocolate and a hint of cinnamon—along with grilled cheese sandwiches. Jelena insists on sitting between Noel and me, chattering about her snowman and showing off her earlier artwork.I watch them together, these women who mean everything to me. Rosa, who’s been my rock through the hardest years of my life. Jelena, who saved me without even knowing it. And Noel, who’s looking at my daughter like she’s something precious.
When Jelena starts yawning between bites, Rosa stands. “Nap time, little miss.”
“But I’m not tired,” Jelena protests, even as she rubs her eyes.
“How about I read you a story?” Noel offers, surprising all of us.
Jelena’s face lights up. “Can she, Daddy? Please?”
I nod, my throat suddenly tight. When they head upstairs together, Rosa catches my eye.
“She's good with her,” she says quietly.
“Yeah,” I agree, watching them disappear up the stairs. “She does.”
As they head upstairs together, Rosa catches my eye.
Rosa leans against the counter, giving me that shrewd look I’ve come to know so well. “Is this why you were so insistent on Bear Ridge? Of all the small towns in the middle of nowhere, you had to have this one?”
I busy myself with rinsing dishes, but Rosa’s never needed words to read me.Then,
“I see,” she says softly. Then after a pause, “How long have you known her?”
“Ten years ago,” I say, finally facing her. “I worked the fields at Barkley Farms that summer. She was home from college. We fell in love, but her father…” I trail off, the old anger rising.
“Made sure it ended?”
I nod. “Threatened to have my uncles deported if I didn’t leave.”
“Damn, that’s messed up,” Rosa says. “And now you’re back.”
“Now I’m back.”
We both look up as Noel returns. “She’s out cold,” she says. “Didn’t even make it through two pages.”
“Come here,” I say, reaching for her hand. “Let’s go relax.”
In the living room, I pull her into my lap as we settle on the couch. She fits perfectly against me, just like she always has. Rosa brings us fresh hot chocolate, then disappears into the kitchen, giving us space.
Noel takes a sip, then nestles her head under my chin. She’s quiet for so long that I wonder if she’s fallen asleep.
“What are you thinking?” I ask softly, running my hand along her spine.
“I can’t describe what I’m feeling,” she says finally. “Being here, with Jelena… it’s tough. And before you tense up,” she adds, pressing a hand to my chest, “it’s not about you having a child.”
I wait, letting her find her words.
“I was her age when my mother left.” Her voice is barely a whisper. “Four and a half. Sometimes, I try to imagine how she could do it. Leave her children, her life… How do you walk away from your babies?”
“Did you ever try to find her?”
She shakes her head against my chest. “She knows where we are. Where my brothers are, she chose to leave, and she’s chosen to stay gone.”
The pain in her voice makes me hold her tighter. “Tell me.”
“She ran off with a farm worker,” she says, and suddenly, her father’s reaction to me makes more sense. “Dad’s resented women ever since. So really, I lost both parents that day. One to distance, one to bitterness.” She lets out a shaky breath. “I had people who loved me—my brothers, my grandmother. Mee-Ma left me the house by the lake and tried to make up for everything. But it doesn’t erase that feeling, you know? Of being unwanted.”
“Listen to me,” I say, shifting her in my lap until she’s straddling me, forcing her to meet my eyes. “You will never feel unwanted again. I want you with every breath in my body.”
I slide my hand into her hair, pulling her close until our foreheads touch. “You’re mine now,” I whisper against her lips. “And I protect what’s mine.”
When I kiss her, I pour everything I can’t say into it. Every promise, every certainty, every ounce of love I’ve carried for her these past ten years. She melts against me with a soft sound that makes my blood burn.
***
Four days. The best four days of my life. Watching Noel with Jelena fills spaces in my heart I didn’t know were empty. We’ve transformed the house into a winter wonderland, maybe going overboard with the decorations, but neither of us can help ourselves. We’re both trying to give Jelena the childhood we lost—her with her dead mother, me with my distant one.
My mother. The thought of her brings a familiar ache. She hasn’t spoken to me since I patched into the Renegades. “Not the life I wanted for my son,” she’d said, disappointed. I hope the trucking company will change things. I hope she’ll see I’m trying to be the man she raised me to be.
Life feels almost perfect—almost—until we run into James Barkley at Morton’s Department Store. Jelena’s trying on her third princess dress when he appears at the end of the aisle, his face a mix of longing and regret when he spots Noel.
“Sweetheart,” he starts, but Noel turns away, suddenly interested in a rack of tiny shoes.
“Beautiful weather we’re having,” I offer stiffly, because someone has to say something.
He nods, but his eyes are fixed on his daughter. “Noel, please—”
“Look, Daddy.” Jelena twirls out of the dressing room in a sparkly blue number. “I’m Elsa!”
James’s face softens as he watches her spin. No one is immune to Jelena’s charm, not even stone-hearted patriarchs. She grins up at him, completely oblivious to the tension.“You look just like a princess,” he tells her, and for a moment, I see the father he could have been. Should have been.
“We’re having Christmas dinner at the house,” he says suddenly, eyes darting between Noel and me. “Nothing fancy, just family. You should—all of you should come.”
Before I can respond, Noel cuts in. “No.” The word falls like ice between them.
I watch James’s face crumple, years of regret etching deeper lines around his eyes. Part of me wants to step in, to soften the blow. But this isn’t my battle to fight.
“Come on, baby,” Noel says to Jelena. “Let’s go find some sparkly shoes to match your dress.”
As we walk away, Jelena chattering excitedly about her new outfit, I catch one last glimpse of Jim Barkley. He stands alone in the aisle, looking older and smaller than I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes revenge doesn’t taste as sweet as you thought it would.
***
“No, Prez. I mean it. I’m done.” I add, “I’m happily part of the ninety-nine percent now.” We end the call, and I sigh. Shit was not easy.
“Are you really?” Rosa’s voice startles me. I turn to find her in the doorway of my study, her expression unreadable. “Are you done with the life?”
“Yes.” The answer comes easily, naturally. “I love Noel. I’m not leaving her again. In fact…” I smile, thinking about the ring I’ve already picked out. “I’m going to ask her to marry me.”
The sharp intake of breath makes me look up. Rosa’s face has gone pale, her hands clutching the doorframe like she needs the support.
“You can’t,” she whispers.
“What?”
“I thought… I always thought…” She steps into the room, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “We’ve been raising Jelena together. Living together. Being a family. I thought maybe, in time…”
My heart drops as understanding dawns. “Rosa—”
“I know I’m not in love with you,” she rushes on. “But we could be a real family. For Jelena. We already are, aren’t we?”
“Stop.” The word comes out sharper than I mean it to. “Rosa, you’re family. You always will be. But not like that. Never like that.”
“Because of her?” There’s a bitter edge to her voice I’ve never heard before.
“Because my heart has belonged to her for ten years. You know this.”
She turns away, wrapping her arms around herself. “I need to go.”
“What? Rosa—”
“I can’t stay here anymore.” She faces me, tears falling freely now. “I can’t watch you build a life with her. Can’t pretend I’m okay being the help when I thought… when I hoped…”
“You’re not the help. You’re family.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I’m not. Not the way I want to be.” She straightens her shoulders. “I’ll pack my things tonight.”
“Wait until after Christmas,” I plead. “For Jelena—”
She hesitates in the doorway. “Are you sure about this, Trace?”
“Of course I am. You’re family, Rosa. You’ll always have a home with us. I’m not putting you out—hell, I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.”
“But Noel—”
“Will understand. I’m starting a business, and she basically works two jobs. We’ll need help—”
“Help?” She turns, her eyes flashing. “Exactly, that’s what I am now. It's not fair. I've been her mother since she was two and now I'm just the help.”
“No, that’s not what I meant—”
“But it’s true, isn’t it?” Her voice cracks.
“Rosa—”
The doorbell rings, cutting through the tension. I hesitate, torn between finishing this conversation and answering the door.
“Go,” she says, wiping her eyes. “You and Noel had plans. I’ll see you tomorrow, like we decided.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “Because hey, nothing’s changed, right?”
I want to argue, to fix this somehow, but she’s already walking away. The doorbell rings again, and I run a hand through my hair in frustration before heading to answer it.Noel stands on the porch, snowflakes caught in her hair, cheeks pink from the cold. Just seeing her soothes something in my chest, even as guilt gnaws at me about Rosa.
“Everything okay?” she asks, catching my expression.
“Yeah,” I hedge, pulling her close. She lets me slide with the evasion. Stroking the side of my face and piercing my gaze. “Really, everything’s fine—or at least it will be.”
“You don’t want to talk about it?”
“Not now. It’s been a rough day. But seeing you, holding you—is all I want. It’s what I need.”
Her lips quirk up, and her eyes twinkle. “Aw, does my tough biker need me to kiss it better?”tonight,
I laugh. Didn’t think I’d have it in me to laugh tonight but her teasing pulls me out of my funk. I take her soft hand with my calloused one, place it over the zipper of my jeans, and growl. “Damn, straight.”
She bursts into laughter, and the sound mends the cracks in my breaking heart. I just wish there was a way to share that same magic with Rosa. Because the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt her.
Later, at her place, I lose myself in her. Each kiss, each touch, each gasp of pleasure helps push away the heaviness in my heart. I sink into her warmth, needing her tonight more than ever, needing to remember why I’m making these choices, why I’m changing everything.
I hold her tighter than usual when she falls asleep in my arms. Tomorrow, I’ll figure out how to fix things with Rosa. Tomorrow, I’ll make this work, for all of us.
But tonight, I need this. Need her.