Chapter Two
Zeph
“You’ve been coming to munches for several months now.” Will picked up an ube fry and trailed it through the creamy mango aioli. “So, about ready to give it a try?”
“It” referred to a visit to the little room at Chained, a local kink club where Will was a member. They were a sponsor of the munches, although not the only ones, and I had received invitations from several of the clubs and groups.
So, why hadn’t I accepted any of their invitations? What was I waiting for?
Tough question, and one I wished I had a good answer for. I came to the munches as a bridge between learning more about being a daddy and actually stepping into the role. I moved to this town, starting a whole new life, one in which I swore I would be true to myself.
Five years of living with an ex who scoffed at any attempts to take care of him yet managed to demand it at the same time had left me raw and aching.
His game playing hit me where it hurt, and dug at my confidence until I couldn’t think clearly beyond surviving every day.
I knew for a long time I should leave, but we’d made a commitment to one another, and I took my promises seriously.
While we weren’t mated, thank heavens, I promised he would be able to live under my roof as long as he wanted. Rent-free.
I blamed my desire to care for other people while pushing back on any likelihood of being a daddy.
I didn’t really understand what that meant and feared it might mean something lacking or needy in me.
My ex shut me down the one time I tried to talk about it, in so many words, just asking me what time dinner was.
I never made him leave.
He found someone richer and, likely more gullible, which I considered ended any obligation on my part. But just in case, I changed the locks. And put out resumes.
Which led me to a job offer in a whole new town and a chance to start fresh.
My field, a very specific type of auditing, paid well, but there were rarely openings, so I got lucky to find one.
Luckier than I even realized, since I had no sooner waved the moving men on their way and started off with my car piled full of things I hadn’t wanted to trust to them, than I got a text.
Can we talk?
I ignored it, and not two minutes later, voice to text spoke from my dashboard. I want to come home.
This time, I replied, I don’t live there anymore. I wish you all the best, but we have nothing left to talk about.
I blocked him.
My new life had no room for someone who manipulated me in ways I hadn’t fully understood until he left and I finally had room to think. Had he not dumped me, I would probably still be stuck in the same place, living the same life, feeling stifled and resentful. But honorable.
There had to be things I could learn from that. Like, what promises should be made and to whom. Sure, Carlo was hot, and before he moved in, he was charming and attentive and even seemed nice, but the moment he tricked me into that promise with a few crocodile tears, it all began to change.
I shrugged off the thoughts that had no place in my mind. I’d spent a year working through it all, and that was 364 days longer than he deserved of my mind. I’d used that time settling into my job and my home and, most recently, exploring the part of me I’d never felt free to set free.
Was I ready to give Chained a try? The little room where I could see more than I’d been able to find on the internet in my research?
“When I go online, the videos and images are nothing like I imagine it would be to be a daddy with a little in his life,” I mused.
“No, I imagine they aren’t.” Bridger sat down and tugged his little, Hudson, into his lap. Sammy had arrived with them and stood behind will, arms loosely around his daddy’s neck. “I don’t know any true daddies who are filming and putting it out there.”
“Not to say there aren’t some,” Will added. “But it wouldn’t be my choice.”
Sammy shook his head hard. Dressed in jeans and a button-down, he looked just like anyone else on the street, but after spending these evenings with the Chained coupes, I could pick up on some things.
His happiness at seeing his daddy even if he’d only returned from the bathroom or from visiting with littles at another table.
His general sweetness and joy at simple things like a cherry on a milkshake or two dino nuggets engaging in a mock battle.
It was hard to express exactly, but Will said only a daddy could pick up on it all as I did.
I hoped he was right, because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know where I really should be.
“You’re never going to learn the reality if you don’t give yourself a chance,” Bridger said, as if he’d been in my thoughts.
Hudson lay back against his chest, resting his head on his shoulder, so relaxed, so comfortable.
The munch was not always in a place with privacy, but tonight, we’d been given a back room, and the littles were all more playful.
Maybe that was why I said, “All right. I’ll come.”
And why I didn’t back out.